The other day at work, everyone was talking about movies. You know, what's your favorite, remember that scene, unforgettable quotes. Then it turned into a discussion of horrible movies, wastes of time, wish I had my $10 back, that kind of thing.
My pal Jim went on for almost 10 minutes about some particularly awful no-name-actors-straight-to-DVD-stranded-on-a-desert-island pirate flick. The "plot" is loosely based on a Survivor-type game show & the movie starts out pretty bad & gets progressively worse.
He couldn't even make it halfway through, that's an hour of his life he'll never get back, he can't believe he spent even $5 on this garbage, etc. So imagine my surprise when I walked in to work today & Jim comes skipping over to thrust this dvd into my hand.
"Hey, I thought you might want to check this out," he said.
"Isn't this the worst movie ever?"
"Well, yeah . . . " awkward pause . . .
"Ummm, thanks . . . I guess."
I'm a Cartoon Burglar
My fascination with pirates has combined with my total lack of fashion sense to bring a new, nautical-themed piece into my wardrobe. Feeling kitschy & cool, I flounced off to work in my new top but only got as far as my own kitchen before the heckling began.
"Did you escape from jail? Are you robbing me? Where's your little mask?"
It only got worse as the day progressed. By the time I got to my desk, I was considering a dash over to the dollar store for a different shirt. Yes, it was that bad. Henceforth, I'm now known in the office as The Hamburgler, or so I'm told.
Lest both of my readers suspect the pirate-themed posts have anything to do with that movie, I'll just nip that in the bud right now. Yes, I like pirates & I probably just have them on the brain because of all the baseball I've been watching lately. As far as carribbean pirates go, I'm just not interested. Not my kind of movie.
Plus, Johnny Depp is so feminine. Men that look like girls are creepy. Drag queens are cool because they go all-out & you've got to appreciate their abilities. But this quasi-feminine, metrosexual, pretty-boy thing -- whatever you want to call it -- gets on my nerves. Men shouldn't have hairdressers, wear make-up or have less body hair than small children.
Torturing Homophobes with Pirate-Themed Silliness
In high school, I worked at a pizza place with a guy who was extremely homphobic. He was constantly concerned that his male coworkers were "secretly gay" & checking him out. The paranoia was probably rooted in the fact that everyone stared at this guy all the time. Although we were firmly ensconced in the 90's, he was always wearing a leather vest & fingerless gloves.
Add his trademark dangly gold earring, too many cheap gold necklaces to count, shirt unbuttoned just enough to let a little chest hair peek out & you've got a real looker. Oh, plus he had a tail, which of course has never been, isn't & will never be ok. I used to call him "Early 80's Guy" but the nickname alone just wasn't enough.
His preoccupation was stupid, disruptive & annoying. I have a mischevious streak & just love to find an easy mark so this guy was throwing himself to me on a platter. I devised my own little game that seemed to eventually take on a life of it's own.
Whenever he walked by, I'd fake a cough & mutter "Ass Pirate". He'd flip out every time.
Frankly, I don't see any homosexual connotation in this phrase whatsoever. It doesn't even make any sense, it's just gibberish. But it drove him crazy & his tantrums were entertaining for all. Even his wife liked this game. His agitation was an aphrodisiac to the mischevious little devil Steph inside me so every few tantrums, I'd ramp up the "Ass-Pirate" game a notch.
It escalated to the point of little cartoons of a swashbuckling Dave marching little cartoon people with round, voluptious asses down the plank of his ship . . .
Those were good times indeed. Maybe I'm a terrible person & I'll burn in hell for flaunting my evil. But I've given tens of people hilarious memories that will last a lifetime so I have no regrets.