'Tis the Season

It's that time of year again, that magical time when we push & shove through the crowds, elbowing our ways to fantastic deals.

On Saturday, I stopped to fill my gas tank & was chatting with my friendly neighborhood convenience store employees. In the midst of discussing the awesome weather & our fantastically delicious holidays, another clerk straggled into the store, shaking his head.

"Stay away from K-Mart!", he announced loudly. "Don't go there for any reason!"

Normally, I do just that but we're running out of Beggin' Strips so I'd planned on picking up a few bags. Before I could even ask, he offered a harrowing tale indeed.

A quick jaunt around the corner for cold medicine had ended up being one of the most frightening experiences of his life. In his short journey from the medicine aisle - very near the entrance - to check out, he was subjected to bodily injury & witnessed physical altercations resulting from jerks taking stuff out of other peoples' carts.

A blue-light special ($30 no-name brand DVD player) was announced & all hell broke loose. His shaky mannerisms & halting speech were remniscient of refugees fleeing civil war.

Not willing to risk my personal safety for fake bacon, I opted to get Rocco a couple of cheeseburgers from the fast-food joint down the street. As I waited patiently for my order in the 1/4 mile drive-thru line, I decided that this will be the year I do all of my Christmas shopping on-line.

All of it.

I don't like to shop. It's a pain in the ass. I'm quite impatient & hate waiting in line. I can't stand invasion of my personal space & must repress the urge to slap away any hand that reaches in front of me. When hit with an errant cart by a clueless shopper, my first instinct is to start a nasty game of "bumper carts".

The prospect of some jackass taking something out of my cart thus forcing me to re-shop could potentially push me over the edge into a very dark place from which there is no return.

Since I'd rather not celebrate the season by posting bail, I'm committed to avoiding the stores as much as possible until approximately mid-January.

For my regular shopping needs, I plan on to wake up in the middle of the night on Tuesday or Wednesday (not the weekend) to hit the 24-hour stores. Really. And if I can't get it on-line, it won't be under the tree this year.

Of course, there may be a few small exceptions but all in all, my list should be fulfilled with a few clicks of the mouse. I'll group my purchases as much as possible to keep shipping fees down. Many retailers offer free shipping anyway. Even with shipping costs, I'm sure to come out ahead when you consider gas costs & the time wasted driving around parking lots & sitting in mall traffic.

The lack of impulse buys will keep me within my budget. My shopping efforts will be focused on gifts for others rather than stuff for me. I won't snap & assault anyone. There are just so many pluses & nary a con to this plan, so far. But can it really be that simple? Let's hope. I'll keep you posted.