Everything You Need to Know . . .

Farewell . . . for now

2007-02-05T08:08:00.000-05:00

I've been really lax about posting & just haven't been able to give this site the attention it deserves. As such, I've decided to end Ask Steph. I'm sure in the future the unsolicited opinions will build up inside of me, demanding a release in the form of some other blog. Until then, I bid you all farewell & happy blogging!

Check Out the New Chick!

2007-01-26T09:05:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I'm the most unreliable blogger ever. Sorry to everyone, especially Ashly. Thank you so much for introducing yourself.

Ashly rocks, you guys will love her. Welcome, Ashly.

This post was pure trash and cabaret

2007-01-25T16:21:00.000-05:00

So, last night I proved once again that I am a sucker for train-wreck syndrome and tuned into the latest American Idol audition special. As per usual, the show mostly focused on showing the people who were so terrible that you have to wonder why they would try out for this show. Because no one can be that bad without knowing it in some way.

But what amazed me the most was when a young woman who was in school for opera tried out. In her pre-audition interview she talked about how she would probably lose her scholarship if her school found out she was skipping to audition for A.I., but that she didn’t care, she was taking this chance.

Her audition was, honestly, so-so. She sang two different pop pieces before Randy asked her to sing some opera for them. She begins belting out an opera piece looking far more confident than she did with either of her previous pieces. When she had finished, Simon looks at her and says, “You’ve shown us three different voices, who do you want to be?”

She stutters out “The next American Idol…”

Simon, showing some semblance of humanity, says, “I’m not criticizing you. I’m just saying, you sang three different songs in three different voices. Which of those three people do you want to be? Who are you?”

The girl says, somewhat shyly “I’m a singer and a songwriter…” and then, suddenly, she gets this much bolder look in her eyes and says with emphasis “…and a rock star.”

I never thought I would see the day when Simon Cowell would, so offhandedly, make such a poignant statement.

The number of people that come through those auditions and say “I’m going to win because I’m unique,” while dressed up in some ridiculous costume or playing some ridiculous character (and I know that’s what a lot of them have to be doing. A.I. has become two contests, the drawn out one to find the next Kelly Clarkson, and the short audition round one to find the next William Hung. If you can’t sing it doesn’t matter, you can still attain something not totally unlike fame. And you know what? Considering how much of a joke I think a lot of American Idol is, I don’t totally see an issue with that) is overwhelming. But the number of people who can honestly come in and say, “This is who I am,” and believe it, mean it, and be able to back it up? Is very, very small.

I guess that’s just generally how I feel about humanity, though. People talk about how hard it is to be an individual. This is sort of true, but what’s even harder is actually knowing who you are and being yourself. Dressing, acting, writing, dancing, or even just speaking “uniquely” can achieve being an individual, but if you’re not being yourself what’s the point? Honestly, I think it’s harder to be honest with yourself as to who you are and what you want in life than it is to simply be an individual.

So Simon Cowell actually asked the most difficult question in the world last night. “Who are you?” And amazingly, he actually got a response. A response I could get behind, even.

So, who am I? Well, for now you can think of me as "The New Girl." It's a place to start. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Speaking of Windbags . . .

2007-01-11T09:08:00.000-05:00

I know this is kind of behind-the-times but there's been a lot of debate in the local media about controlling the deer population. Some recent letters to the editor in the PG have offered timeless wisdom on hunting & other management methods.

One guy tells us that people are more important than deer so we need to do whatever it takes to protect ourselves. A particularly venomous shrew of a woman decrees one run-in with a deer tick will immediately change the minds of the idiot "do-gooders".

I beg to differ. An encounter with a tick might be gross but it's not particularly painful or life-threatening unless you ignore it for months - or even years - and it just happens to have been an infected tick. Lots of big ifs there. Worst-case scenario for any normal person is a short course of a simple antibiotic such as amoxycillin which is hardly a big deal & only costs about $10 if you don't have insurance.

And by "normal" I mean people who practice even the most basic personal hygeine. I speak from experience when I tell you that you will not miss a tick on your body. Even the most half-assed effort to bathe yourself will reveal them. And local doctors & vets will tell you that Western PA is a relatively unlikely place to encounter any type of tick, especially the kind you need to worry about.

Certainly I don't question the value of human life. However, our wildlife management is not so lacking that we need to be protected from nature. That's freakin ridiculous. Wildlife is usually only a "threat" to us when their habitat has been recently disrupted. I see deer in the heart of the city almost every day, but rarely see roadkill or a wildlife related accident. Why? Because the development is relatively old & everyone has adapted.

But in the suburbs there's a TON of roadkill & lots of accidents. There's also constant development. Wildlife habitat is disappearing daily. Surely, I'm not the only one that sees a connection.

Not to go off on a tangent, but just because a car hits a deer, is it always the deer's fault? Let's be realistic here. People crash into inanimate and/or stationary objects all the time. Is it the telephone pole's fault when you hit it?

Lots of drivers don't pay enough attention: talking on the phone, looking at their kids in the backseat, reading a newspaper, shaving, putting on make-up, intoxication, stupidity or just plain old not a good driver. Sometimes road or whether conditions are simply out of our control & even the best driver can't avoid an accident.

How many people hit deer on suburban roads because they're blinded by some oncoming idiot with high-beams or excessive flourescent headlights? I'd love to see statistics on that. (Note: areas like Shaler & Oakmont do not require high beams. If you think you need them, simply obey the speed limit, know where you are going & shockingly everything will work out ok, dummy.)

All I'm saying is that vehicle-deer collisions are usually noted as unavoidable accidents. They're not always unavoidable but there's no victimized driver to report what you were really doing, so the deer take all the blame.

In short, if you feel threatened by Bambi, buy a house in an established neighborhod instead of building your McMansion on an abandoned farm. Duh. Animals adapt, often much better & more quickly than humans. If you don't like them, stay out of their home & you'll likely avoid them altogether. But if you want to "share" the land, you're going to have be a better neighbor.

I Feel Stabby, Oh So Stabby!

2007-01-11T09:06:00.000-05:00

I recently quit smoking & it's just awful. Words can't even describe it. Let's just say that I'm not fit for social interaction right now. I did smoke half of a cigarette yesterday while wearing a patch but then someone caught me & I was shamed into putting it out. This sucks.

Mind Your Own Beeswax!

2007-01-11T07:37:00.000-05:00

As a blowhard & blogger, I take great pride in giving the world my unsolicited opinions. The beauty of my system is that nobody has to read the blog & the world doesn't change to accomodate me. Sure there's the occasional tete-a-tete with some wacko (see Mr. Enlightenment on why women should in fact not think for themselves or the more recent comments from "Omar", the guy who insists that I mean the opposite of whatever I say . . . ).

The very self-important just can't accept the fact that their ideas are too stupid or unpopular for practical implementation. So they form groups with likeminded jackasses to bully everyone until they get their way. Such actions can be witnessed on every level of our society, from peer pressure among children to political lobbyists. But when it screws with pop culture, even I'm forced to take a stand.

There's a group called the Parents Television Council. Their entire purpose is to watch television shows of which they do not approve, then harass corporations until said companies refuse to advertise during those shows. All of this time & effort is expended in the name of "protecting" our children.

There are shows & even entire channels just for kids and/or family viewing. Federal regulations dictate what can/can not be said or done on TV. Technology exists that allows parents to block out specific channels & shows. Most significant, there are these people called "parents" who are supposed to pay attention to their kids, interact with the children & ensure that the child's life isn't spent in front of the TV.

In their latest newsletter, they are targeting some of the best shows (Family Guy, Criminal Minds, CSI, Rescue Me & others). Even if you don't watch these shows, would you deny the rest of the world an opportunity to view them merely so that you don't have to be responsible for your own children?

In particular, they're harping on CSI: New York right now. Hello, but that airs at 10 pm in most markets. Why isn't your kid in bed yet? They have successfully chased off big bucks advertisers (Verizon, Clorox, Mazda & many more), convinved the FCC to increase fines tenfold & are challenging license renewals for local stations in large markets such as Houston & Dallas.

They're working diligently to "abolish" violence in video games & "indecency" on the radio, as well. Incidentally, they gave their broadcaster of the year award to the Hallmark channel. And their efforts aren't limited to the major networks, as they're attacking cable channels as well.

In short, their tactics work because people give in just to be rid of the unrelenting harassment. We all have the right to choose such things for ourselves for now but that right is going to disappear quickly if we don't counteract their efforts.

They're going to do to television what ClearChannel has done to radio but it's not going to stop there because ClearChannel radio isn't wholesome enough for them!

Let's inundate them with letters, complaints & harassment until they give in & mind their own business! I'm going to request a list of their financial sponsors & then start a boycott of those who support this censorship. I encourage everyone to do the same. Let's see how they like their own medicine.

I don't know about you but I do not want Ned & Maude Flanders to be the final authority on all of America's entertainment choices. If music, television, movies, video games, free speech or autonomy mean anything to you, please act accordingly.

You're It!

2006-12-25T22:02:00.000-05:00

Umm, okay, I'm it . . . I've been tagged by Heather.

Grab the book closest to you
Open to page 123, go down to the fifth sentence
Post the text of next 3 sentences on your blog
Name of the book and the author
Tag three people

"It's true that the various police departments involved in the case --- particularly the Michigan department --- are ready to have both you & Mr. Turner arrested. I, however, do not share their enthusiasm."

"Get to it, Doctor." - Mortal Fear by Greg Iles

That's incredibly boring & is totally not representative of the book, which is one of my all-time most favorite novels! I have no idea who to tag. Seriously, nobody I know is going to do this but I will try . . .

You say tomato . . .

2006-12-25T14:36:00.000-05:00

It's not as though I have some fantastically high profile blog, as though the world waits with baited breath for the next post. As such, this blog receives a variety of interesting & thought-provoking comments but doesn't attract so much attention as to make me a target of wackos.

Until now.

If you disagree, offer a rational point of view instead of calling names & hurling unfounded accusations. If my posts seem ridiculous, ask questions instead of making crazy accusations.

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes or misunderstands others on occasion. But there's no acceptable reason to make comments on a blog if those comments have nothing to do with that blog.

It takes an extraordinary coward to make crude, offensive anonymous "comments"; How easy it must be to criticize others while denying them the opportunity to critique you in any way! If you can't be bothered to make any effort of your own, you should be especially considerate of those who do.

If you have something to say, blog. Blog away! But don't unload the chip on your shoulder on someone else's page. I'm perfectly able to admit it when I don't understand something & require further explanation. I believe that only then will I learn.

When I comment, I apologize when I'm mistaken or misunderstood in any way. I also thank people for taking the time to explain their point to me, since I missed it the first time. Even when I disagree with other people's opinions, I appreciate having had the opportunity to hear them out & consider where they're coming from.

Sometimes I change my views as I gather more facts. But even if I don't, I'm always grateful to have had a chance to critically examine & affirm them. If I read something that I find offensive, I write down my response, walk away for a while & revise it as necessary before submitting -- or sometimes just delete altogether.

Knee-jerk reactions, closed minds & emotional responses never lead to broadened horizons or meaningful discussions.

I believe in being gracious -- and grateful -- to everyone who puts themselves out there and especially to those who that the effort to get their point across to everyone.

The key to good communication isn't getting it "right" the first time, but rather in being able to reiterate your statements as needed to reach as many interested parties as possible.

Life is not static, it's fluid. You can't go through life without ever forming new views, revising existing ones or opening yourself to ideas you've never considered. Well, it's possible but would prevent even an iota of personal or intellectual growth.

As this year draws to a close, I would like to thank everyone out there for blogging & commenting. I learn something each time I read your thoughts & I hope that every reader is enriched by my own, even if only in a very small way.

Merry Christmas to All!

2006-12-25T14:10:00.000-05:00

Would you like to wish a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to some of your online friends in their native language? Here are some great links to translation pages, to help you do just that.

Translations from Omniglot

Greetings & goodbyes around the world

Central European translations

Merry Christmas in all languages

Merry Christmas!

Leave Santa Alone

2006-12-21T08:57:00.000-05:00

Illegal immigration has long been a hot topic in this country & we all know that it will be in the spotlight for the next presidential election. (Yay! Election season! All soundbites & rhetoric, that time of year when facts & intelligent dialogue just fall by the wayside.)

Being of Native American descent, I follow the arguments with both interest & a hint of amusement. I can't help but see the parallels. That said, there's an important point in this debate that nobody seems to want to face. Illegal immigration as a whole is not a real problem in the US. What is a huge problem is illegal immigration of Mexican citizens.

Let's face it, most foreign-born citizens that want to come to the US have to follow a process. There are only two places geographically positioned in such a way as to allow people to sneak into the US illegally & you'll never convince me that large numbers of Canadians are fleeing here.

Since the rest of the world has to abide by our regulations & established process to gain citizenship, why would Mexicans be exempted? It seems really unfair to the rest of the world to let Mexicans just walk right in when that won't fly for anyone else.

It's ridiculous to characterize the problem as illegal immigration when in fact it's not about immigration at all. The real issue is that citizens of one particular nation consider themselves to be above our laws. They want special preferential treatment above & beyond what is afforded to everyone else.

If you have no respect for the laws of a nation, no faith in that nation's due process & no compassion for others (people such as foreigners from countries other than your own, who seek citizenship through proper channels), then why do you want to come here in the first place? Logically, this place isn't for you. You hate it's laws, you hate the people it welcomes, you hate the people who already live there or you'd pay all the same taxes they pay . . .

You're probably wondering what brought this on. I recently came across an article about an anti-Hazleton, PA website which accuses the town of banning Santa Claus because he's not a US citizen. I visited the site & frankly it's pretty stupid.

For starters, Santa is not a good example. He visits everyone once a year for a few minutes, which does not qualify as illegal immigration. Also, I truly believe that Santa not only pays taxes but also that the elves earn a living wage & have excellent benefits.

More importantly, it's a really bad idea to promote, encourage & champion illegal immigration. It does a terrible disservice to potential immigrants from every other nation, for one thing. They may hear stupid messages such as this & think that they aren't welcome here because they're not the preferred race or ethnicity. In some parts of the US, public & social services which exist to help newcomers are overburdened by illegals & not accessible to our legal immigrants.

Just look around the next time you go shopping or visit a doctor. Everything is in Spanish today. Imagine how confusing & frustrating that must be for the hundreds of thousands of people from non-Spanish speaking countries that come here & struggle with language every day. In essence, by embracing the current "movement" put forth on behalf of illegal Mexican immigrants, we're telling people from all over the world that we don't care about them at all. We're telling them that we're only extending ourselves to the squatters & scofflaws.

The solution is simple: don't support this movement. It harms many & benefits only a selfish few. By being illegal, these people are often put in a position where it is difficult or even impossible to assimilate. By accomodating them, we ostracize everyone else. That isn't welcoming to new citizens. It unfairly burdens the law-abiding taxpayers who have to foot all the bills -- many of whom are legal immigrants themselves; What a slap in the face! It does nothing to help the illegals become legal, yet it condones that way of life & encourages the cycle to continue.

It's a lose-lose situation for everyone. And the root of the problem here is the lack of focus in the debate. Obscuring the real issue prevents critical thinking on the subject. No useful or relevant solutions can ever be put forth when all subject matter is completely out of context. We can only help that this issue will be discussed in context as the debate continues.

Homage to Blinky

2006-12-15T12:38:00.000-05:00

Here's some food for thought: Imagine that you encounter a strangely freakish animal, a mutant of some sort. Maybe a hermaphroditic cow/bull with 7 legs. What would run through your mind?

I think my thoughts would turn to the possible cause of the mutation. I'd wonder what dangerous pollutants or dire genetic abnormality might be responsible. Maybe I'd try to get a photo of it. But I definitely wouldn't accept a burger made from that cow. Would you?

A daring chap in Wisconsin does not share my reservations. The man ran over a young buck in his driveway. Being an avid deer hunter, he decided to take the carcass home for dinner. I can only imagine his surprise upon closer inspection, when he discovered that the buck had both male & female sex organs, as well as 3 extra stump legs similar to crab pinchers.

Incidentally, the story brought to mind good old Blinky, the 3 eyed fish caught in the river just outside the Springfield nuclear power plant.

"It was definitely a freak of nature." He's quoted as saying in a recent MSN article. "It kind of gives you the creeps when you look at it." He also described the deer as quite tasty.

Sorry, but I just couldn't eat the mutant. It would be interesting to see a follow-up story on this guy years from now. Will he have dolphin-like flippers or perhaps nub antlers of his own? One can only imagine.

I don't know what kind of environmental laws they have in Wisconsin, but I sure hope this kind of thing is stringently investigated. That seems unlikely, sine the evidence was promptly processed & consumed but I'd still like to think someone will try to figure it out.

Idiot Laws

2006-12-14T13:38:00.000-05:00

It's a shame that such things have to be legislated but we all know these laws are desperately needed. They're long overdue but 3 new state mandates are about to take effect. The term "idiot laws" is often tossed around in reference to things we shouldn't have to legislate but do, so it seems very fitting in this case.

Has this ever happened to you: You're driving along on an icy morning when suddenly George Costanza's evil twin in 80's couture flys up behind you, weaving in & out of traffic in an extremely unsafe manner.

Between gelling what hair he has left & starching his collar into just the right "casually dork" somewhat upright position, he must have run short of time. He was simply too pressed to clear the 2+ feet of snow & ice from the roof or covered bed of his grotesque, taxicab yellow foreign mini-truck.

He completes his final slalom through traffic & in celebration of his victory of passing all traffic on the right, he floors it & starts to fishtail. The aforementioned winter build-up goes flying & hits the windshield of your vehicle & 2 others, temporarily blinding all 3 drivers on the icy overpass. As a result, you have pull over on an icy road with no shoulder to clear your own windshield.

Even though there are clearly 3 vehicles & 3 drivers occupied on the side of the road, other drivers have no consideration for these people whatsoever. They don't even bother to change lanes when possible. One exsquisitely mannered gentleman in a McClane rig even feels the need to holler disgusting epithets - let's just say British terms for cigarettes & a "Catch you next tuesday" kind of thing.

Apparently, their victimization had somehow inconvenienced him. Maybe he prefers more of a challenge when nearly running down motorists in distress, I don't know.

Of course, there's a few nicks in the windshield from the ice balls that struck it. By the time you drive the final three miles to your office, there's a crack in the windshield. By the time you return from lunch, there are 2 cracks. By the time the glass repair guys arrive, you know you need a whole new windshield.

Three people were put in harm's way, inconvenienced & endured out of pocket expense upward of $200 bucks, all because "George" is stupid & lazy. And yes, I was one of the victims.

But I'm happy to say now "Georges of the world beware". Failure to completely clear one's vehicle of snow & ice can receive fines of $200 - $1000. For inconsiderate motorists like our classy rig passenger, fines start at $250. If you fail to change lanes (or move to your left as much as possible) when encountering a vehicle or person on the shoulder, you can lose your license for up to 90 days.

The third law requires headlights on whenever windshield wipers are in use, which is plain old common sense. At least, it should be common sense . . .

I don't mind taking a few extra minutes to brush & scrape when Mother Nature sprinkles my Jeep with her frosting. I'm short but I keep an empty milk crate handy so that I can fully clear the roof. I'd rather be a courteous, intelligent motorist than injure or kill an innocent person. I wouldn't even want to live with the fact that some poor driver had to spend a few hundred bucks on a new windshield just because I'm a stupid, lazy, selfish jerk.

Personally, I think the penalties are too lenient. But of course these laws aren't made for people like me, they're made for people like "George". Maybe "stupid" really is a handicap & the hit to their wallets will drive home the point. I sure hope so.

A Trivia Nerd's Dream

2006-12-12T08:21:00.000-05:00

My life is fairly stressful, not a whole lot of "me" time. So I like to devote as much of my free time as possible to good old-fashioned silliness. My intellectual side is generally satisfied by my job, my often dour coursework & an occasional serious book.

The fun part of me wants to read funny books & watch stupid-silly movies. Nary a day goes by that I don't quote The Simpsons. I'm one of those annoying people who frequently reference movies most popular with teenage boys. I have successfully surrounded myself with like-minded people who share my love of all things ridiculous.

And I love trivia, although I'm not really a force to be reckoned with in that arena. Have I also mentioned that I'm sometimes the last to know about cool stuff, since I'm often in my own little world?

You're probably wondering why I'm boring you with this. Well, I've recently made a delightful discovery: The Internet Movie Database is chock full of cool trivia & quotes. And it's not limited to movies but includes your favorite television shows as well.

I may not always have time to sit down & watch an old favorite, so IMD lets me steal a moment to relive the funniest scenes & the best lines. It's also inspired some unique & sure-to-be-appreciated gift ideas this Christmas season.

Some of the pages I've recently visited:

Quotes from CB4, one funny movie. Chris Rock, Phil Hartman & Chris Elliot -- could anyone poke fun at gangster rap, right-wing conservatives & clueless wannabes better? Well, no.

Airheads is a cameo-laden exercise in stupidity & I absolutely love it. All of your favorites are here, from the obscure (Ed & His Dead Mother) to the classics (Animal House, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Caddyshack) and the contemporary goofs (Billy Madison, Dodgeball, Old School, Happy Gilmore).

Goodfellas is one of my personal favorites but I'd also like to call attention to one of the most underrated gangster flicks of all time: New Jack City. Memorable line from Nino Brown, referring to his girlfriend: "Cancel that bitch. I'll buy another one." Love it.

Cruel Intentions is totally underrated as well. This story has everything & is no-holds-barred cruel to everyone. An exercise in sarcasm & satire but very entertaining indeed. Great Quote from Cecile: "He took down my pants & started writing the alphabet but he was writing it with his tongue!"

In addition to the entertainment value, I'm learning stuff as well -- useless stuff, my absolute most favorite kind of knowledge.

For the Scrubs fans out there, did you know that (916) Call-Turk is a real number? A voicemail recording is set up to give you the latest information about the show. The cell phone is normally lying around the set & is occasionally answered by cast or crew members who enjoy chatting with fans.

So next time you need a laugh or just a few minutes respite from the world, give it a try.

Is this Irony or What?

2006-12-11T09:27:00.000-05:00

One can hardly read the local news without hearing of yet another effort to prevent a casino in the Hill District. Various church organizations & community groups are working diligently to ensure that the casino is built elsewhere.

Let me first make it clear that I personally think legalized gambling establishments are a complete cop-out from our state government. Our leaders have no vision. They lack the creativity & progressiveness needed to create jobs, decrease government waste & improve our state for the better.

Here's a novel idea: Instead of giving humble public servants lavish perks, salaries more than double the median PA income or free health insurance into perpetuity -- not to mention the extravagent pension plans that aren't subject to any state or local taxes -- use some of that money for property tax relief, infrastructure costs, etc.

But I digress. Casinos are touted as the answer to all of our problems when in reality the money being spent there will most likely just be the same money that's already being spent here right now, it will merely be spent at the casino instead of the mall, some restaurant, concert hall, mortgage payment, grocery store, etc.

The point is that instead of coming up with viable solutions, the whole casino dog & pony show has monopolized public interest, taking focus off of real issues & problems in our little corner of the world. We debate the veracity of the casinos themselves as a good solution to our ills, we bicker over the details - where will it go, how many free drinks can they serve, can we smoke there - and the debates could go on forever with no satisfactory resolution to any side of any argument.

While we debate the details, the corruption behind the entire debacle goes largely unnoticed. The average taxpayer is completely clueless about the role of lobbyists in all of this, nor are they aware of the corruption involved.

But the reality of the situation is that a casino is going to come to Pittsburgh. If history has taught us anything, we know that PA taxpayers will somehow get screwed on the whole deal. Since the proposed sites are basically within walking distance of one another, it's unlikely that any one community will see horrendous detriment due to the actual location of the casino.

Case in point: With the Isle of Capri plan, Pittsburgh will get a new arena for free. That would help our hockey team a lot since they play in the oldest & crappiest arena in the league. Anyone who enjoys music would benefit, since our existing arena is so outdated that it can't support modern equipment used by most bands these days. The arena is useful for much more than hockey & concerts, so this would offer the entire region a perk that would benefit many people.

The other proposals offer considerably less to the region & give little, if anything back to the average citizen. In fact, one of the plans offers next to nothing.

But there are all these groups from the Hill mobilizing protests, rallies & the like to do everything in their power to make sure the best plan for everyone gets shut out.

It amazes me that they'll work so hard against the one plan that would make the whole slots debacle somewhat worthwhile to the region. At the very least, it will create some decent jobs for the area & greatly increase the tax base. Plus, the developer has proposed donating $1 million per year to the Hill itself, which would go a long way toward rebuilding this once-great neighborhood.

I'd like to know why these same "concerned" community groups can't organize that kind of determination to clean up their neighborhood & reduce crime.

For the People

2006-12-11T09:14:00.000-05:00

Life is good with Verizon DSL. Don't let the tortoise commercials from Comcast bias you against it. Anyone who knows me will tell you that Comcast was my archnemesis for years. Crappy service, phony "specials", mysterious rate increases . . . everything about Comcast just plain sucks.

I was stuck in their clutches due to the strange positioning of my townhouse, which prevented satellite reception. But then I moved & got my dish, along with DSL. Best choice I ever made. I now pay considerably less to receive far more. My internet connection is not only faster but more reliable.

My satellite service is far more reliable, offers more channels for less money & gives me channels I actually want. No more of this: "What? I no longer have NFL Network or Bravo unless I pay $20 more each month? No, I don't think the 24 hr. golf station & radio Disney fill that void at all . . . "

And I don't their need the totally overrated "On Demand" -- having a dual DVR box means never missing anything in the first place.

For those of you who buy into the anti-DSL propaganda or are just plain afraid that satellite service means no reception when it rains, you'll soon have an alternative. Verizon is finally working to bring programming to our area. After decades of revolting tyranny, everyone will have a choice, even the meek.

It's way overdue, but we'll take it. Not that I'd get rid of my Dish, but it's nice to have options in case they become somewhat "Comcastic" in the future.

'Tis the Season

2006-11-27T10:18:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again, that magical time when we push & shove through the crowds, elbowing our ways to fantastic deals.

On Saturday, I stopped to fill my gas tank & was chatting with my friendly neighborhood convenience store employees. In the midst of discussing the awesome weather & our fantastically delicious holidays, another clerk straggled into the store, shaking his head.

"Stay away from K-Mart!", he announced loudly. "Don't go there for any reason!"

Normally, I do just that but we're running out of Beggin' Strips so I'd planned on picking up a few bags. Before I could even ask, he offered a harrowing tale indeed.

A quick jaunt around the corner for cold medicine had ended up being one of the most frightening experiences of his life. In his short journey from the medicine aisle - very near the entrance - to check out, he was subjected to bodily injury & witnessed physical altercations resulting from jerks taking stuff out of other peoples' carts.

A blue-light special ($30 no-name brand DVD player) was announced & all hell broke loose. His shaky mannerisms & halting speech were remniscient of refugees fleeing civil war.

Not willing to risk my personal safety for fake bacon, I opted to get Rocco a couple of cheeseburgers from the fast-food joint down the street. As I waited patiently for my order in the 1/4 mile drive-thru line, I decided that this will be the year I do all of my Christmas shopping on-line.

All of it.

I don't like to shop. It's a pain in the ass. I'm quite impatient & hate waiting in line. I can't stand invasion of my personal space & must repress the urge to slap away any hand that reaches in front of me. When hit with an errant cart by a clueless shopper, my first instinct is to start a nasty game of "bumper carts".

The prospect of some jackass taking something out of my cart thus forcing me to re-shop could potentially push me over the edge into a very dark place from which there is no return.

Since I'd rather not celebrate the season by posting bail, I'm committed to avoiding the stores as much as possible until approximately mid-January.

For my regular shopping needs, I plan on to wake up in the middle of the night on Tuesday or Wednesday (not the weekend) to hit the 24-hour stores. Really. And if I can't get it on-line, it won't be under the tree this year.

Of course, there may be a few small exceptions but all in all, my list should be fulfilled with a few clicks of the mouse. I'll group my purchases as much as possible to keep shipping fees down. Many retailers offer free shipping anyway. Even with shipping costs, I'm sure to come out ahead when you consider gas costs & the time wasted driving around parking lots & sitting in mall traffic.

The lack of impulse buys will keep me within my budget. My shopping efforts will be focused on gifts for others rather than stuff for me. I won't snap & assault anyone. There are just so many pluses & nary a con to this plan, so far. But can it really be that simple? Let's hope. I'll keep you posted.

Kramer vs. Everybody

2006-11-25T18:07:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, you're sick & tired of hearing about Michael Richards. It seems to me that he may have had some sort of mental breakdown. (He had at least one in the past). Now I'm not saying that it's ok for comedians to just stand on stage & shout racial slurs at the audience but . . .

Well, wait a minute. Comedians do that all the time & people looove it. How can that be? Well, the comedians I'm talking about aren't straight white American folks. They're black, Hispanic, Asian, Jewish, homosexual, immigrants & handicapped.

For some reason, that makes it ok. It's never a racial slur if it's directed at Caucasian people.

Likewise, it's never hate speech if it's directed at women, children, the rich, lawyers, politicians, Italians, blondes, the poor, anyone from the South, people of Polish descent, the Irish, policemen & women, Catholics (especially priests), your own husband or anyone who has ever lived in West Virginia.

There are a couple of things particularly troubling about this incident. For starters, the "victims'" lawyer immediately demanded a monetary apology. It's impossible to maintain even an iota of integrity while cashing a check with "Sorry I hurt your feelings" in the memo line. If money salves your alleged wounds then you don't have enough human decency in you to even have feelings.

Hip hop & gangsta rap culture are celebrated & even emulated by many people. It's also defined by violent & racist language. I'd like to think that every person pissed at Richards has written at least one letter to the FCC or their local radio stations in protest of this pop music . . . but if everyone was as outraged by this term as they claim to be, rap artists wouldn't be getting richer & more famous every day.

In America, we're at the mercy of the media. When was the last time you saw copious news footage of a murderer, rapist or pedophile being called on the carpet for their crimes? But heaven help any person who commits some sort of perceived social faux pas because the media will flay you mercilessly. Seems pretty lame to me.

The media panders to the poltical correctness of the moment. The same media pressuring us to denounce Richards used the word "colored" with no apologies just twenty years ago. Only a week ago, that same media was salaciously anticipating OJ's new book.

Our culture should shape the media, not the other way around. It's time for America to take back our society from the reporters & broadcasters. They should be reporting what we do, not contriving & manipulating situations to garner the desired reaction from us.

In this country we have freedom of speech. That means that if you don't like what someone has to say, you don't have to listen; You don't have to condone it but it also means that you can't ever shut them up. What's ignorant or demeaning to you is empowering & motivating to another -- for example, words like bitch & nigger, which have been embraced by many women & blacks in recent years.

The downside to your freedom is that everyone else has it too. At some point, a person is going to spit your own sexuality, culture, etc. back in your face & you're not gonna like it.

But freedom is an all-or-nothing principle & it's not to anyone's advantage that we all give it up. If you don't want to be free, there are plenty of other places you can go. There are countries all over the world where people can't speak their mind for fear of execution.

Join the US military & you're almost guaranteed instant deployment to a nation that supports censorship. By the time your tour has ended, your idea of freedom -- and what it's worth -- will probably have changed for the better.

Odds & Ends

2006-11-20T08:54:00.000-05:00

I know I should post more often & I'll try to do better but I have been sick. Very sick. For weeks. It probably has something to do with standing out in the cold & rain handing out flyers on election day. Maybe I supported the wrong candidates & God is punishing me. I don't know.

The pace at school is finally slowing down a little as the semester winds to an end. In fact, there's been such a remarkable downturn that I was able to get caught up on the entire season of Prison Break over the past week. Yay! I love that show.

Sadly, it's just a tease & is not indicative of what's to come. During my lengthy 14-day break between semesters, I'll be loaded down with assignments! They even take Christmas from us, it's so unfair. Right now I'm completely devoid of interesting topics of discussion, save for sports talk & commentary on my favorite tv shows.

By the way, can somebody please tell me why the FBI would bother harassing C-Note's wife & daughter when Teabag is running around the country with $5 million cash, murdering people? Let's take an informal poll: How many of you went to Halloween parties this year & saw at least one person dressed as "Injured Ben Roethlisburger"?

That's a great costume. I hope every single one won a prize. Far more original than the Crocdile Hunter, which was everywhere this Halloween. (Note to my brother: I want my stuffed manta ray back before your dog gets it.)

Bummer of a Nascar Championship. As a fan, I like almost every driver in the sport. Almost. Out of about 45 drivers, there are only 5 or 6 I don't like. Of course, one of them won. I personally believe anyone caught cheating more than once should be disqualified from contention, but that's just me. I can take comfort in the fact that this particular driver is frequently jeered & that the majority of fans were probably disapointed with the outcome this season. Perhaps it will encourage Nascar to dump the ridiculous "chase" format for good.

I'm done wallowing in self-pity & have simply become resigned to a never-ending cold/flu thing. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'll blog more. I promise.

Final Round-Up

2006-11-03T08:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok, I know I've been slacking. But just to prove my point, I've gone to considerable trouble to compile a list of reasons why you shouldn't cast a vote based on the local newspapers' endorsements.

Election day is almost upon us & this state really needs some help. Are the same old dinosaurs going to wake up Wednesday morning with a new outlook on life & sudden motivation? No, they're not. If anything, they'll be more secure in their greed & self-serving agendas.

There are a lot of important issues facing voters across the state. One's personal view of abortion & smoking are hardly relevant for a state legislator. So do not blindly support a candidate merely because the popular local paper endorses him/her.

Visit www.vote-smart.org to get the scoop on the candidates. It's a non-partisan site offering information on candidate positions, campaign finance sources, incumbent voting records, public statements, interest group ratings & much more.

Our local media is doing a horrible disservice to voters by ignoring the real issues & focusing on two hot-topic but essentially inconsequential non-issues. If you don't believe it or feel the previous examples given may be coincidental, just visit these links to see for yourself:

In the 46th district, the PG endorsement goes to the candidate lacking a specific plan to reduce the size of the legislature. This is also the candidate who would choose to raise income tax & sales tax to eliminate property taxes. The other candidate would like to find alternative funding for schools so as not to overburden taxpayers or drive down consumerism. Unfortunately, the guy with the better ideas & more comprehensive plan also doesn't support a smoking ban. Sorry but this kind of logic couldn't help me to find my way out of a paper bag. Thanks but no thanks.

With elections looming, our local media missed a prime opportunity to demand answers from the candidates. An October 11 article introduced the findings of a Harrisbug study that proposes creating and/or raising regional taxes to fund our transportation deficit. The problem with that is 1) our taxes are already quite high 2) we pay a ridiculous gasoline tax 3) taxpayer funds for roads & bridges are continually diverted to bail out mismanaged & unapologetic quasi-governmental public transit like PAT & SEPTA.

Please lawmakers, take more of my hard-earned money, charge me more for gas, force me to drive on crappier roads & then give my money to PAT so that they can raise prices, cut services & pay more drivers triple their base salary in overtime wages.

This is a huge issue crucial to our state & region. In order to make an informed & educated decision as to a candidates qualifications, how about asking their views? Why not ask candidates to provide solutions, proposals or at least some vague suggestions? Our infrastructure is exponentially more important than whether or not you can smoke in a bar, yet the topic hardly receives lip-service in comparison.

It doesn't hurt to add that our state legislature costs more than $431 million per year & our state budget has increased drastically (which dramatically out of step with inflation & with comparable states) under our current leadership. Why isn't the local media focusing on this waste in light of our infrastructure crisis?

And although the PG has endorsed Jason Altmire, they still deserve to be chastised for defending Melissa Hart's rotten voting record in an Ad Watch article on October 24.

The piece states that Ms. Hart did in fact vote with the President 89% of the time (or more) but contends that this is a lower number than other Pennsylvania Republicans. What does that have to do with anything? Her vote is her vote, regardless of what anyone else is voting.

Some other politician votes against his/her constituents more often than Ms. Hart does, so that somehow absolves Ms. Hart from her duty to represent those who elected her to office? Certainly not. It has no bearing whatsoever on the matter.

The article also questions Altmire's choice to criticize 9 specific Hart votes by reasoning that these particular votes all took place among party lines with very few defectors.

So what? As my mother would say, if every other Republican legislator jumped off of a cliff, would you jump too, Melissa? That's no excuse for ignoring the voices of your constituents. She is a representative of the voters, not a representative of her party. If she'd prefer to serve the party then she should bow out of elected office & become a paid employee of the GOP.

Be Careful What You Wish For

2006-10-27T09:36:00.000-04:00

Was your political post an endorsement for the 20th District challenger or do you actually have a point to make about local media election coverage? - Scott in Westmoreland

Sorry, Scott. I've been busy & slacking on my posts. I'll try not to bog this down in too many details but here goes:

The October 17 PG editorial valiantly refuses to endorse any candidate. Well, thanks for nothing. Challengers in the 27th & 24th districts are apparently not pro-abortion & anti-smoking enough for the paper's editorial board.

In the 27th, the challenger (Ogden) would suport a ban on Roe v. Wade & feels that business owners are competent to run smoking or nonsmoking establishments. He supports reducing the size of the legislature, term-limits & would like to promote fiscal accountability (i.e., state funds shouldn't have to keep bailing out public agencies such as the City of Pittsburgh & the Port Authority.)

The incumbent (Petrone) has given us 12 useless terms & has no accomplishments to speak of. He voted for & took the pay raise, tried to weasel out of repayment by claiming he "donated" the money to families of servicement killed in Iraq & now claims to be paying it back in $100 monthly installments. If I stole thousands from my employers I'd go to jail, how about you?

Petrone claims to be pro-choice but is listed as an abortion foe by various PACS. He says city leaders are fiscally responsible & wants state funding to relieve Pittsburgh of various financial burdens -- including the generous pensions enjoyed by the generations of nepotism-spawned yokels on the city payroll.

In Petrone's time in office, much of his district has seriously declined. What used to be thriving neighborhoods in the West End of the city have degenerated into bastions of section 8 housing, businesses are closing their doors & crime is skyrocketing. Gangs are fighting in the streets & people who have lived in these areas for 40 years or more are desperate to leave & having difficulty selling their homes. No thanks to the local rep, the area is going to get their police station back but a lot of work still needs to be done to revitalize these communities.

The choice here is clear: Petrone has had 12 terms to act in the best interests of the citizens & has done nothing to make this a more prosperous or better state. He is part of the problem in Harrisburg & serves only himself, not the constituents. While Ogden may not be an ideal candidate, is there ever such a thing?

We don't need career politicians in Harrisburg. They have proven time & again that they are more concerned about their own benefits & salaries than any of the issues of taxpayer concern.

Give the challenger a chance. If he doesn't satisfy, we can replace him next election. Why vote to keep the proven failure?

In the same editorial, the incumbent in the 24th (Preston) is called "uninspiring" & it's noted that he voted for the pay raise, illegally took the money & isn't repaying it.

Yet the editorial board still can't find it within themselves to endorse his opponent? Who's running against him, Osama bin Ladin? What could possibly be so bad about the challenger?

The challenger (Koger) is honest about how much one rep can accomplish. He speaks frankly about issues such as reducing the size of legislature & admits that it isn't likely to happen anytime soon. That's probably true. Unless we make a concerted effort to send a lot of inspired challengers to Harrisburg, it will never happen.

Apparently being realistic & honest will work against you in PG country. Rather than fault the guy for telling the truth, they should be shouting from the headlines that this is the man for the job & he needs likeminded colleagues from other districts to get results.

They're critical of the fact that Koger is a lifelong Independent running as a Democrat. Party affiliation is pettiness at this point, because both major parties are are lazy & self-serving once they get to the state capitol. These ae facts evidenced by our crumbling infrastructure & skyrocketing state budget.

Of course, it doesn't help that while Koger supports the indoor smoking ban, he feels it's not likely go into effect. And of course Preston wants to keep abortion legal.

Preston is another 12-term disapointment, representing some of the most impoverished & troubled neighborhoods in Western PA. His district is in continual decline & he has not had any notable accomplishments for his constituents in 12 terms. Is any challenger going to do a worse job for this district? Seems unlikely. Give the newcomer a chance to produce.

PA Politics (Sigh)

2006-10-19T13:27:00.000-04:00

It's election time again, so brace yourself for disappointment. In this area, we're continually subjected to the same useless, self-important jerks winning re-election with little (if any) effort.

Everyone should become a politician in this state. You've got nearly unconditional job security. No matter how poor your performance, you'll be grossly overcompensated & always get re-elected here.

Our new state motto should be "Pennsylvania: Bastion of Low Expectations".

After the last election, I didn't think I could ever be more disapointed in politics. There was so much to break my spirit last November but a here are standouts:

A man who's never practiced law or held any job in the private sector was elected as a judge. He was the only candidate not endorsed by the local bar association.

And the chorus of praise for the Sheriff's office absolutely floored me.

There was more integrity in the Wild West than there is in the Allegheny County Sheriff's office. A lawless criminal element masquerading as law enforcement, it makes the murderous gunslingers of prospecting days seem like mischevious neighborhood boys in comparison.

After that, what could possibly be worse?

Right now, it's our local media. Hard to believe, especially if you've witnessed the juvenile debate tactics of our US Senate hopefuls, but true.

Many voters rely on the local papers to inform & guide their ballot choices. Passionate reporting of the facts might even motivate some listless folk to cast a ballot they would not have otherwise cast. Sadly, the wishy-washy drivel in our local papers is nearly identical to the noncommittal lip service we're receiving from our politicians.

For example, the Post-Gazette has chosen to narrow it's scope of issues to a frighteningly myopic two. Every candidate is rated based on their views of abortion & smoking.

This isn't to say that the hot potato of property tax relief is being ignored, it's just that the PG will endorse any candidate no matter how futile their ideas, as long as the person is pro-choice without restrictions & anti-smoking without exception.

Regardless of your stance on either issue, any informed voter would concede that neither issue is the most important in Pennsylvania right now. Nor is either issue even close to being important enough to decide an election.

It's very irresponsible to endorse incumbents who have proven to be useless for the public's interests, term after term. I'm hard pressed to provide a worse alternative than most incumbents. Even the ones that didn't take the pay raise did nothing to warn taxpayers of the sneaky pending legislation.

None of the incumbents are making a concerted effort to decrease the cost of our legislature which exceeds $430 million dollars per year. Imagine the roadwork, bus rides & property tax relief that could be financed instead.

There's been a recent spate of articles about our crumbling transportation infrastructure (mass budget deficits, bridge safety, etc.) but the PG hasn't felt the need to tell us what (if anything) incumbents have done or propose to do to fix it.

On the same day, they ran an article about proposed transportation taxes while specifically shunning a promising candidate (Dilemma in the 20th). The editorial admits that the incumbent (Walko) is poor a choice but criticizes the challenger (Stalter) for having a job in the private sector (he'd be "a part-time legislator"). A lot of people think that's great but a lot of sheep are going to be against it, thanks to this editorial.

I'd love to see someone in office that wasn't there to line their pockets with my tax dollars (has a job), but that's just me. Part-time legislators & term limits are very popular but they're referred to like four-letter words in this piece.

Progressive goals such as tax reduction & accountability in our state legislature are condescendingly dismissed: "Mr. Stalter's agenda is from the standard conservative playbook."

They go on to mention that Stalter is anti-abortion & against the Allegheny County smoking ban. The piece closes by asking if voters should "overlook the incumbents flaw on the pay raise or embrace the obvious flaws of the challengers." (emphasis mine).

To say that the incumbent has just one flaw to overlook is an insult to readers' intelligence. To dismiss progressive ideals & new options when our state is in such dire straits is irrepsonsible at best.

The PG is no friend to the voter this election & is not an objective source of guidance. I don't even know what's more disgusting, the close-mindedness or the assumption that readers are so dumb & pliable that they don't even have to cloak their bias & agenda.

In the Eye of the Beholder

2006-10-15T12:20:00.000-04:00

My girlfriend is very pushy and mean. What should I do? - Anonymous

This one is tricky because I don't have much to go on.

The specifics of this situation could run the gamut from your girlfriend is a selfish, emasculating shrew to your girlfriend is perfectly reasonable & you are the problem. I don't know.

On the severe end of the spectrum, you're girlfriend is pushy & demanding. She wants you to work 3 jobs so that you can financially support her while managing to shower her with lavish treats such as fancy jewels & a summer home in the Keys.

On the other hand, maybe your girlfriend is 8 months pregnant with your child & simply wants you to put down the Xbox controller & bong long enough to find a job, since she's going to have to take a little time off.

I suspect your situation falls somewhere in the very large & potentially complex area between these two scenarios. But without knowing more about the situation, I can only offer some very general advice.

How is she pressuring you? Depending on what she's being pushy about, she may be selfish, controlling or she may just think she's doing you a favor by helping to motivate you. Speak with her about your feelings & find out why she's "pushy".

Maybe she doesn't realize that she's being pushy & by bringing it to her attention she'll have an opportunity to change her behavior for the better.

And "mean" is a pretty subjective term. When she says or does something hurtful to you, point it out to her & ask her why she felt the need to do or say that. Ask her what she hoped to accomplish by doing so.

Again, she may not realize that her actions are hurtful to you & bringing this problem to her attention is the first step in solving it. Some people with poor social skills or a lack of experience aren't even aware of their own unacceptable behavior.

The only way to try to fix the problem is by discussing it with her. If she's unaware, she'll appreciate your honesty & will probably make an effort to be a better person.

If she's dismissive of your concerns or in denial about her behavior, it may be best for you to break off this relationship & find someone who will respect you.

Good luck with your lady.

Lawsuit With a Side of Cojones, Biggie-Sized!

2006-10-14T18:28:00.000-04:00

Everyone knows that America's supposed to be the land of opportunity. The American Dream is the fabled notion of success available to anyone willing to earn it. Generations of people have come here from all over the world to fulfill that promise.

But some people are taking it just a bit too far. Lately we've seen the spotlight on illegal immigration from Mexico. The Mexican government feels that our silly "laws" should only apply to potential citizens from countries that are not Mexico.

(If I were president of Mexico, I'd worry more about fixing my country's problems so that people wouldn't be so desperate to flee, rather than putting such effort into trying to get another nation to accept them unconditionally. But that's just me.)

The US government, millions of US citizens & those attempting to gain citizenship through proper channels seem to disagree.

After all, people from all over the world & every walk of life are trying to become US citizens. Should we deny the refugees, political prisoners & dissidents, the sick, the poor & professionals of all kinds just so some folks from Mexico can come here to flip burgers? That's right, they believe that jobs at Wendy's entitle them to subvert our laws.

Seems kinda unfair to me. I guess the ever-popular undeserved sense of entitlement so rampant in America is big in Mexico as well.

These particular illegals are determined to show us that they're as American as apple pie by engaging in some favorite American pastimes such as:

1. refusing to take responsibility for their own actions

2. demanding preferential treatment

3. filing frivolous lawsuits

They came here illegally & got jobs at Wendy's but then had to be fired since they're not legally allowed to work here.

Wendy's was sympathetic & put considerable effort into helping them to become citizens. But Wendy's lawyers missed a crucial deadline & the government is not very flexible about such matters.

Instead of receiving appreciation, gratitude or applause for their efforts, Wendy's received a notice that the illegals are suing the company for firing them.

Tucker Carlson recently interviewed their attorney. The intriguing & somewhat entertaining transcript can be found here from MSNBC. We should have seen this coming. It's not as though we didn't know litigation abuse is happening constantly in the US.

I've heard that America has roughly 5% of the world's population but more than 75% of the world's lawyers. I don't know if that's true but it wouldn't surprise me. It's pretty much been all downhill since some idiot stuck a paper cup of hot coffee in her own crotch while driving & was shocked when the coffee spilled on her hoo-haw.

This was bound to happen. People can sneak into our country because of lax border security. They can live & work here unencumbered by taxes or any debt to society unlike the rest of us.

We pay outrageous health & car insurance premiums to make up for all of the unlicensed drivers & anonymous hospital patients.

When we ask them to please follow our laws they attempt to disrupt our society & intimidate our citizens via gigantic protests. It's their effort to pressure our nation to change our laws just for them, like one big temper tantrum.

So it was only a matter of time until they realized that not only is it easy to get in to, but once you're here you can sue law-abiding citizens for refusing to aid & abet your criminal activity.

In the interest of preserving America, I suggest the hot topic next election season isn't gun control, energy or even immigration.

The key to preventing a further downslide of our nation lies in another area altogether: limits on law school enrollment & graduation.

Bizarro World

2006-10-14T16:22:00.000-04:00

Some of the stories in the news are difficult to believe. Do you ever read an online newspaper & wonder for a moment if you accidentally went to The Onion instead?

Here are some of the better ones that I've read recently:

Urine big trouble, mister
Children today have enough to deal with what with child predators, school shootings, bullies & the horrifying wave of "healthy" foods in schools nationwide. As if they don't have enough on their minds, why not bother your young relatives at school when you need a cup of urine?

A Kentucky man was recently arrested in an elementary school, soliciting clean urine for a drug test. When his poor little nephew couldn't produce, he started asking other children & they alerted a teacher.

But don't we all have one of these uncles? If he's anything like me, it'll be years before little Timmy makes a connection between this incident & the "horns" that smell like a skunk at Uncle Bob's but he will make the connection.

Later on in high school or college, Uncle Bob will be briefly popular with Timmy & his friends until they realize that he's the only one of the group that never springs for the pizza.

When Your Little Buddy Lets You Down
In unrelated criminal urine activity a Florida man is in big trouble for not being able to produce. For unknown reasons, the convenience store clerk peed into a bottle of Mountain Dew & then sold it to a customer who got ill.

As part of his sentencing, the man has to undergo regular drug tests but now finds he suffers from a shy bladder & is unable to produce. According to an MSN News article, peeing got him into this mess & now peeing is the only thing that can get him out of it.

Talk about scared straight.

Donate to Pension for Child Molesters
A group of Roman-Catholic priests are raising ire by soliciting donations for defrocked priests. In some cases, this wouldn't be such a bad thing. Some very good priests have been defrocked & excommunicated for asking the Church to be more progressive.

Some have ordained women, gotten married, supported same-sex marriage or merely spoken out against Church positions on bioethical issues.

Not all defrocked priests are potential martyrs & some totally deserve to be excommunicated. Like the pedophiles.

These men have ruined the lives of countless victims & families. They went to great lengths to hide their crimes at the expense of others. The average pedophile is said to have victimized approximately 117 children.

Unfortunately, it's primarily pedophiles that are being helped by this organization, although the group will give the money to a fund for the ill if they run out of needy child molesters.

The Manchester Union Leader reports that The Organization of Concerned Priests is a registered non-profit group that requests a minimum $1000 donation from all priests.

Most disturbingly, the group's president was quoted as saying, "We could not imagine how we would have coped if we were in their shoes."

Well for starters could I suggest not molesting children, not abusing your power, not manipulating everyone around you, not tarnishing an entire religion, not leading a life of crime . . .

I could go on & on but the basic idea here is that, forgiveness is a basic tenet of the Catholic faith & very few people are completely cut off from the Church entirely. Even those who've been disciplined & removed from service - including pedophiles - are usually eligible for various benefits.

The absolute heinousness of the extent of the crimes of which these men are guilty must be astonishing if they are completely cut off from the Church. The fact that these peers would solicit on their behalf when the world has an endless supply of worthy & needy people is horrifying.

Seriously

2006-10-14T16:05:00.000-04:00

My bum hurts me. What can I do? - Anonymous

At the risk of some immature goofball laughing his/her head off at my gullibility, I'm going to assume that this is a real question & answer it.

I can empathize with your situation but there's only one thing I can say: See a doctor. Don't be embarassed, just do it. As healthcare workers, they've seen things that you can't even imagine.

Don't ever feel ashamed or uncomfortable discussing your problems or concerns with a professional. They're trained to help you without judging or blaming & their job is to make you better, as well as educating you to prevent further problems.

If you don't have insurance, you need to go online to locate a free clinic or reduced-fee program in your area. There are a number of such places in our local area.

There are countless things that could be causing your discomfort & you didn't give me a whole lot of information to narrow it down.

For the record, even a very detailed description would likely have received the same response so there's no need to elaborate.

It could be an external problem such as a splinter, insect sting or puncture in the fleshy area which can be very painful (I speak from personal experience here).

It could be an internal problem such as hemorrhoids (swollen veins) or a blockage of some sort.

Another potential culprit of mayhem is your diet. An unhealthy diet can cause all sorts of problems so it may be something as simple as a lack of fiber or insufficient hydration.

Whatever the cause, you won't be able to rectify it (no pun intended, I swear) without professional assistance. Don't delay, see a doctor or nurse & feel better soon.

Quickies

2006-10-10T08:29:00.000-04:00

Just a little something to brighten your day. If you haven't seen these already, you're guaranteed a chuckle.

Target Kills Hit Man
Read this fantastic story from MSN Crime here, it's too good. A woman came home from work & caught a suspected burglar in her home. When he attacked her, she strangled him with her bare hands. You go, girl!

Even better, the inept burglar had brought along a backpack containing his day planner. Notes in the book pointed authorities toward the woman's estranged husband & they soon revealed that this was a hired hit gone horribly wrong.

The moral of this story is that it doesn't always pay to be thrifty. Sometimes you really do need a professional to do the job. So if you're planning on having someone whacked, do not hire the janitor from your local adult video store, even if he offers you a really good deal.

Overexposure
If you plan on posting or responding to any internet sex ads, you may want to take below the neck shots & leave out your phone number.

Some guy in Seattle hijacked a real internet sex ad posted by a woman on Craigslist. He collected all of the responses, including photos, email addresses, IM's & even phone numbers then published them all on a prankster website to publicly shame respondents.

These people were complete strangers to him & he basically said that he did it because he likes to piss people off. While I hate a cheating husband as much as anyone, I don't understand why this guy feels the need to publicly shame people or possibly destroy lives.

Incidentally, I had no idea there was a casual sex encounter section on Craigslists until I started looking into this story. Eeeew. I always just look at jobs & bartering, although I have seen some hilarious "sex wanted" ads in the barter section.

The prankster in this case has repeatedly made his own personal information such as photo, address & phone number available online so I bet the next time we hear about him it will be a story about someone beating his ass mercilessly.

Re-Neducation at it's finest
Maybe it makes me a pop-culture trivia whore, but reading this story reminded me of the Simpsons episode where Flanders is Big Brother & everyone had to be brainwashed-a-rino.

Schools in Georgia now have an alternative to those pesky lunch tickets - your child's fingerprints. Instead of using a coupon, which is sooo tedious & cumbersome, they can just stick their finger in a scanner.

This really inspires confidence. because we all know how efficient & disciplined our government is with personal information. The thought of having your child's fingerprints in a government database is priceless really. How soon can they install a GPS chip?

I expect we'll shortly be informed that thousands of lunch preferences have been inadvertently released to the public when a lunchlady loses her laptop.

You're kidding, right?
A court in the UK recently decided against Hormel Foods, manufactureer of Spam canned meats, in a trademark suit. Hormel tried to get a court to believe that people think of fake meat in a can & not junk emails when they hear the term "spam".

Seriously.

Envy

2006-10-10T07:57:00.000-04:00

I've never been much of a fashionista, but there was a time when I'd search high & low for just the right piece. My spirit was soon broken by chasing the unattainable. I wanted a fuzzy leopard print dress. This was before the leopard print craze so the choices were few & far between, but they were out there.

I searched high & low for the perfect dress, imagining in my mind every detail. Basically what I wanted was a lightweight fall fabric A-line but I couldn't find one anywhere. Countless hours & various roadtrips were dedicated to my own holy grail of casualwear, to no avail.

Eventually I gave up & purchased an empire-waist version that served it's purpose, was comfortable & cute but somehow just never felt right. I was disapointed, but I knew I'd get over it. Until the day I saw her wearing my dress.

Was it a beautiful woman walking down the street? No. It was a fake goose on someone's lawn. If I'd seen the dress on another woman, I would have surely complimented it & fished for information. But the goose wasn't at all forthcoming. Resisting the urge to kick her in her smug beak was a very trying moment.

Of course, I got over it, although I've never forgotten. But almost 10 years later I was driving down a quiet street on a lovely fall day. As I admired the cloudless sky, colorful leaves & warm sunshine I caught a glimpse of something in my peripheral vision.

And it was a goose in a fantastically cut A-line leopard print dress.

I'm not really bitter anymore, not much. I was a little miffed at the time but I've gotten over it. But the current item on my must-have list is a Weiner Whistle from Oscar Meyer circa the early '60's. I'm having a lot of trouble finding one & would really love to add it to my Weinermobile collection.

If I see one hanging from the neck of a lawn gnome, I'm just going to do a smash & grab, I swear.

Unschool Me

2006-10-09T13:11:00.000-04:00

I've just learned about a controversial new trend in education called "Unschooling". An MSN Health article on this method of homeschooling describes it as an unstructured way for children to learn what they want, when they want, however they'd like to learn it.

Unlike homeschooling, there's no curriculum & parents don't use any format to teach kids. The child is the architect of learning by being allowed to explore whatever they want.

Where I come from, this is called parenting & has nothing to do with school. Parents are supposed to do these things regardless of the type of school a child attends.

School isn't supposed to teach you every last little thing in the world. Your parents are supposed to fill in the blanks.

But the casual attitude of unschooling is a welcome change from the parents that schedule every second of a child's day, from Kaplan kindergarten prep to no-score "everyone's a winner" soccer.
When I hear the term homeschooling, I can't help but think of the old adage "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I wish I could feed my dog a t-bone from free-range, organic black angus with no hormones that's infused with all necessary nutrients every day. But I don't just stop buying dog food & start screwing around in the kitchen.

How will a child ever fully realize their own personality if there's no seperation from mom & dad? Nobody wants their kid to come home from first grade demanding platforms & a belly shirt "like Xtina's" because everyone else has them.

At what other point are you going to get an opening to teach the kids about sleaziness & how there's no place for it in a little mind full of self-respect? Or, if you're of another school of thought, this is your chance to instruct little Bambi on using what nature's given her to get ahead.

Hey, our future generations of pole dancers & trophy wives have to come from somewhere.

Sure some of the teachers are impatient, mean or unqualified. But someday your child will work for a big dumb idiot somewhere & they'll have no way to cope if their only reference point is mommy & daddy's unconditional love dashed with sprinkles of constant encouragement.

The frank sexuality among America's youth is disturbing at times. Nobody wants their child to be a pimp daddy or hoochie mama. But blinders are temporary. You can't shield your child from society forever.

Would you rather a tween have an identity crisis in 9th grade when Tommy breaks her heart by dumping her for Sally (because Sally makes out behind the gym)? Or a socially inept college sophmore blow an ivy league scholarship chasing booty?

The clique-ish torture of American schools are a right of passage. If you take that away from a child's scope of knowledge, they'll never be able to deal with catty coworkers, backstabbing colleagues or the management that flourishes through nepotism alone.

At that rate, your child won't even be able to fathom the candidates on a given ballot in an Allegheny County election.

And don't ignore the fact that the darker childhood experiences often make the most accomplished adults. If Bruce Wayne hadn't fallen in that bat-filled well because of his overprotective mother, where would Gotham City be today?

Jerk Report

2006-10-09T08:17:00.000-04:00

Far be it from me to judge others but -- who am I kidding? It's one of the things I do best. I myself am surely not above reproach & have at times displayed jerk-like characteristics of my own.

As such, I'm perfectly at ease with others pointing out my shortcomings. Hey, everyone needs some constructive criticism at times. (Although I will say that occasionally those closest to me do get a bit carried away when I open up this dialogue, ahem, Mr. Steph).

But there's an overwhelming presence of jackasses int he world & I feel it's my duty to call them out on it. This may become a regular weekly post, there's such a rich supply of material.

Sienna Miller - Not really a jerk

Now, before I'm accused of Pittsburgh-bashing, hear me out. There's a lot to do here but we're not a real in-your-face kind of place. Shallow people, people who aren't very smart & just plain old boring folks will not find the treasures of our fair city.

Don't hate her, pity her. I can find a good time anywhere you stick me. I've had a great night in Wellsboro, people. All it takes to enjoy yourself in a strange town is half a brain & the will to have fun. If you've got those two things, you'll have a blast. If you don't, you'll be bored for the rest of your life. And when you're not bored, you're probably doing something lame but think it's cool, which is pitiful.

Luke Ravenstahl - Not a jerk

Stop being angry at the mayor for his response to Sienna Miller, people. What was he supposed to say to her? "Sorry you're not finding enough to do here, ma'am. Maybe you need a handler to accompany you. I'm sure we could find you a nanny." Or maybe, "Gee, who do you think Jude's with while your here?"

Cut him a break. He handled it with class & didn't sink to her level. Which says a lot because her apology was worse than her original disparaging remarks, in my opinion.

Ben Roethlisberger - Dancing on the jerk line, but hasn't crossied it -- yet

He didn't have a sophmore slump, so if he has a junior slump, we really shouldn't whine. He played two phenonmenal seasons & was instrumental in our Super Bowl win.

The reason Big Ben is in precarious territory isn't his less than stellar performance on the field. Let's face it, the guy has looked death in the eye twice in the last six months so he does deserve a break.

The problem with Ben is that he's always hurt after a loss. He always limps off the field or pulls in his throwing arm or holds a sore finger . . . You get the idea.

Just admit that you had a bad game & figure out how to do better next time. Spend less time making excuses (or being a hypochondriac) and more time improving your play.

People who want to decriminalize child pornography - Jerk is way too mild

A local woman was recently arrested for running a child porn website. Her site was different from traditional sites in that there weren't any pictures on it. She composed stories about raping, torturing & murdering children. And perverts paid to read them.

In today's PG, there's a letter to the editor decrying the arrest. The writer contends that this is somehow not child porn.

Just because it lacks photographs does not make it ok, mister. I mean, even Sienna Miller could probably figure out that it's porn. If pictures are porn but words aren't, why isn't Penthouse Letters just lying around on every reception area coffee table next to Newsweek?

What's really disturbing about this letter is that he attacks the Mary Beth Buchanon for prosecuting the case. He charges that she's wrongfully imposing her morals on society & abusing her power by arresting those who don't subscribe to the same.

It sounds to me like this guys may just be a disgruntled client. If he was truly a zealous civil libertarian, he'd spend his energy fighting any number of misguided government attempts to criminalize perfectly legal acts* instead of publicly haranguing law-enforcement officials for doing their jobs.

*the Patriot Act, our current Big Brother-esque administration, the local smoking bill, the federal bill against online poker, etc.

The not-handicapped-enough - Not jerks at all

Another gem in today's letter to the editor is a diatribe complaining that some people parking in handicapped parking spaces simply aren't handicapped enough. If you can make it past the crazy pro-kiddy porn letter, you'll find this skillfully crafted work of enlightenment down at the bottom of the page.

So what exactly makes you qualified to determine whether or not a person is handicapped enough to deserve a placard? The writer seems to feel that since she's handicapped, she's the best judge. I disagree completely. A medical doctor has decided that a person requires a placard so your opinion kind of leaves something to be desired.

To be fair, I have heard that there's abuse in the handicapped-parking placard system. Shame on the lazy people who aren't actually handicapped but get a tag.

But she's approaching this all wrong. If abuse of the system is rampant, let's tighten up the criteria. How about lobbying for more spaces in every lot to serve a larger population of disabled consumers? That would be fair to everyone.

But fairness is not her goal. She prefers to get what she wants by shafting others, simply because their disability is not as blatantly obvious as her own. She feels that only people who require devices such as scooters or oxygen tanks should be allowed to have them. Apparently, medical doctors & disabled-rights organizations across the nation disagree.

You can be disabled without requiring a scooter. For that matter, I've heard of lazy people with no physical handicap using scooters. The disabled person with no scooter deserves a better parking space than the person with the scooter, in my mind.

She closes dramatically by stating that she'd gladly give up her handicapped-parking space to anyone that will take her disability, too. I can empathize with her frustration but her ignorance is astonishing.

Maybe that person she's staring down is more handicapped than she, but too proud to use a device. Maybe they're too poor to afford their device, on a waiting list for one or disabled in some way that a device can't help.

Or maybe they're at the mall to buy one, you self-centered harpy.

Sweet, Sweet Question

2006-10-09T08:13:00.000-04:00

I like candy. Do you like candy? - Anonymous

Thanks for asking, Anonymous. I enjoy candy very much. I'm partial to Reese's peanut butter cups, Chewy Sweetharts & very sugary gum.

My heart irreparably broke when the Candy-Rama warehouse in the Strip closed last year. (This year? I don't know, time is flying). That place was like a sweet, sweet wonderland.

Sometimes I even dream in candy. I used to have a recurring dream where the world was entirely made out of that Circus Peanuts stuff, but in many different flavors. It was a fantastic world where everything was cushy & soft & delicious.

I'd Like to Thank the Academy

2006-10-03T21:29:00.000-04:00

Ok, I got all excited by the questions but now they've stopped coming . . . again.

And, uh, a big thanks to all of my friends who forgot that I have a blog, like Lisa S. of Rancho Cucamunga, Ca. One of my oldest & dearest friends -- or so I thought!

A huge "Thank You" to Connie who not only read this blog but was also kind enough to email me to say that she enjoyed it. You rock, Connie! If you were a band, I'd totally wear your shirt & hold up my lighter.

If by chance, Connie, you do have a band, please send me music to post on the blog. I'll bet that both of my readers will dig it.

As always, a big thanks to Heather. Without her inquisitive nature to motivate me, I'd be an even more erratic poster than I already am now. By the way, Heather, how's the book coming?

Stuff

2006-10-03T20:56:00.000-04:00

Things I Do Not Like
(in no particular order)

1. Mayonnaise
(This one's in order. I hate mayonnaise more than anything.)
2. Spiders
3. People who stand too close in line
4. Broccoli
5. Suspenders on anyone over 5
6. Doing dishes
7. Mandals
8. OJ without pulp
9. Cars which have been "Fast & Furious"-itized (for lack of a better
word -- Can someone please come up with a word for that? Let's
have a contest!)
10. Pepsi
11. Fake butter on my popcorn
12. People with unpleasant aromas
13. School
14. Wearing my glasses
15. Living on a dead end street. Because all of the weirdos come here
to . . . do things.

Just tonight, I chased 2 middle-aged trysters out of the street in front of my house! They weren't kids goofing off, they were late 40's if they were a day & I just happened to be walking my dog. I just thought there were some cars parked there but as we got closer . . . Eeeeeewww!

If only there were some way to clean my eyes! There is no sight so repulsive as a not-aging-gracefully bar hag with too tight clothes, too much makeup & huge 80's hair blowing a Larry David lookalike in the street in front of my home!

Just to show I'm not a big grump, I'll be positive too:

Things I Like

1. Worsterchestershire sauce
2. Grasshoppers
3. People aware of personal space
4. Carrots
5. Pants that don't require suspenders
6. Washing the car
7. Sandals
8. Fresh cherry juice
9. When next year's models come up & car manufacturers whip out
the spiffy new paint colors & you wonder, why didn't they ever
make cars that color before? That is a fantastic color!
10. A&W Root Beer
11. Popcorn with real butter & lots of salt
12. Good perfume or cologne
13. Work
14. Wearing my contacts
15. Chasing weirdos out of my neighborhood. I don't enjoy it per se,
but it's better than just letting them stay here doing . . .
uuuughhhhh! I can't even finish my sentence with that horrible
picture in my head!!!

Things I Love

1. BBQ sauce
2. Butterflies
3. Polite strangers that don't laugh when I fall
4. Corn
5. A-Line dresses
6. Cleaning the house (not the act, just the results)
7. Being barefoot
8. OJ with mucho pulp (I like to chew it, babay)
9. Mustang GT's
10. Coca Cola
11. Caramel corn
12. The smell of rain
13. Vacations
14. Cool sunglasses
15. My quiet neighborhood sans interlopers

Yay! Questions!!!

2006-10-01T14:05:00.000-04:00

Hey Steph ~

Couple of things I was wondering...

Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?

Why does there always seem to be a room in the house that's more cold, and one that's more hot?

Since there can be ghosts of people, do you think there are ghosts of spiders? Like, when you're sitting there and you feel a little tickle on your forearm, what if that's the ghost of a spider?

What kind of toothpaste do you use?

Thanks! - Heather

My, Heather, you are one inquisitive lady! But I do appreciate the work so thanks for writing. Let me just say, these are all excellent questions.

I don't watch Grey's Anatomy. I know it's supposed to be the greatest thing since pizza delivery & I'm sure I'd love it. But my TV schedule is packed full of stuff I can't live without & I just can't fit anything else into the rotation.

Ever since I got the DVR, my TV watching has drastically increased. I'm ashamed to admit how much time I spend with the remote in my hand but let's just say, I've been known to sacrifice some sleep for Prison Break, CSI & Scrubs . . .

As far as the hot/cold rooms go, I think it's probably some complicated thing involving physics that I could neither understand nor explain. My bedroom is extremely cold in winter & extremely hot in summer, while the rest of the house is completely normal all year round.

Immature sex jokes aside, we haven't been able to come up with any real explanation for it. Maybe they screwed up the insulation in that room or on that particular section of the roof.

It probably has something to do with the placement. For instance, rooms on the corner of the house often seem colder than others. Maybe they didn't square the corners properly which allows a draft or dampness to penetrate the wall (moisture accumulation could also contribute to humidity & a warmer feeling).

I'm going to do some research ont his one & try to come up with a better answer.

I believe in ghosts & think all living things can become ghosts. If you believe that all living creatures have a spirit of some sort, then it seems logical that those spirits would be fundamentally similar in many ways, including what they "do" after the body dies.

Besides, it would be awfully species-ist to assume that only humans can become ghosts. I mean, what makes us so much better than other species, right? In many ways, animals & insects are far more attuned & receptive to the paranormal than most people.

I've talked to some very credible, not-at-all-crazy people who've had paranormal experiences with animal spirits. Most of the time it involves a pet who's passed away & initiates brief contact to comfort a grieving master. Usually it's a dog, but I've also heard of cats, birds, horses & even pigs. So yes, I think that unexplained tickle could be a spider ghost or ant or cootie or something else.

Horse ghosts are also frequently encountered on battlefields, such as the many National Park historic sites from the Revolutionary & Civil Wars. Sometimes dogs are mentioned there too, as soldiers often adopted strays as mascots. In fact, I've got a great story from Gettysburg about a dog ghost. Since we're coming up on Halloween, I think maybe I'll start posting some of the more interesting Gettysburg stories.

My favorite toothpaste is Aquafresh Extreme Clean. It kind of annoys me that everything is "extreme" nowadays & I was never a big fan of regular Aquafresh. But it's really good. Sometimes I switch it up & use Mentadent or Arm & Hammer but I never use anything with whitening because it makes my teeth hurt terribly.

Horror of horrors!

2006-09-19T08:22:00.000-04:00

I recently had the most traumatizing experience! In fact, it was over a week ago but I'm only now able to discuss it in any detail.

My sister is getting married in July & I'm the maid of honor. Until now, I have successfully managed to avoid being in a wedding party since my few appearances as flower girl. So this whole bridesmaid dress thing has never been a part of my life, for which I'm truly grateful & consider myself quite lucky.

Like the crappy boyfriend that breaks up with you before a holiday to avoid giving you presents, I've always managed to distance myself from friends with impending nuptials so as not to have to be a part of the circus. Of course, I didn't really like those people much anyway so it was no big deal. I am rather fond of my sister, however, so that simply wasn't an option.

I'm happy for my sister & honored to be a part of her special day -- but eternally thankful that she wants to be in charge of everything, which means all I've got to do is plan a shower, buy the dress & show up at the church. Not a bad deal at all.

I think people make too big a deal out of their weddings & horribly inconvenience everyone around them. How many times have you had to pick up the slack for coworkers who spend all their time planning and/or talking about their wedding instead of doing actual work?

And how many times have you been invited to the wedding of someone you barely know or don't even like? I always think to myself, "Gee, I'd never invite you so why are you inviting me?"

Not to mention the seemingly normal friends & acquaintances who morph into weird wedding zombies, incapable of discussing anything else.

Most people do get married so a wedding is not a rare event. It's not like you're getting a Nobel Prize or something, you're doing something that people do everyday.

Thus my philosophy is that nobody cares about your wedding except for you, me included. The only wedding I've ever had any interest in is my own. I think that's the way it is for most people, but it's simply not socially acceptable to admit it.

So I'm happy to be a part of something that's important to my sister but relieved that it won't unfairly burden me by robbing me of time better spent. I skip off to get my dress but then the horror begins.

We have a noon appointment but we can't get down to business until my sister models her dress/veil/tiara for everyone. Ok, that's cool, we sufficiently oooh & ahhh, everyone touches the dress & we're ready to move on. And we're waiting but she's still posing in front of the full wall mirror in her dress. Still posing, still posing. Finally my mom has to tell her to get this show on the road.

In the meantime, people are walking in off of the street without appointments & the salespeople are swarming them. Why not? We're a sure thing because my sister has already chosen our dresses and we have to buy them here. But these people are fresh blood.

So we all stand around making small talk & being graciously patient while being completely ignored. For about an hour. But as we hit the 90 minute mark, tempers begin to flare. The salespeople simply can't be bothered to honor our appointment when they have new marks to woo so they just make their way around us like we don't exist.

Finally the seamstress comes out to measure us so I think things are going to move along. Nope. After measuring each one of us, we have to individually choose our dress size from the chart based on the measurements.

After choosing my size, I assume I can pay for my dress and leave. Nope. The seamstress can't generate invoices so we have to wait for a salesperson. The friendly seamstress yells across the store three times to a saleslady, telling her we need our invoices so that we can get going.

The saleslady just keeps ignoring us & rushing up to people as they walk through the door. I march toward the saleslady in question but the look in my eye must have been hot because someone slips the organza belt out of my hand as I approach her.

"Excuse me. We really need to get our invoices, please."

"Well, let me just measure these girls and help that lady & I'll get them for you."

"Well, we've been here for more than two hours & those people just walked in. They can wait."

She looked at me in shock & horror. Mission accomplished, or so I thought.

"I'll be right with you." She rushes over to the newcomers & begins browsing the dresses with the group, so I just decide to follow her around until she gets uncomfortable.

When she breaks away from the group for a moment, I swoop in for the attack. "Excuse me but our appointment was for noon & we still haven't had the privilege of dealing with anyone in sales. Can we get this show on the road? Some of these women have to drive back to Florida & Virginia today."

A woman is approaching from the newcomer group but I shoot her a look & she just keeps walking. When we finally get called over for our invoices, she painstakingly types slower than anyone I have ever seen. I get mine first & am free, finally. But it breaks my heart to leave the others there & I later find out that it took another hour for the miserable woman to generate 6 more invoices!

Hopefully, I'll pick my dress up in November & never have to set foot inside that hellhole again, since I'm having alterations done elsewhere. God willing, I will never have to speak of this again.

Plan J for Judgement

2006-09-01T09:32:00.000-04:00

Now that the emergency contraception pill has been approved for OTC sales, there are a lot of laments from opponents. It’s outrageous, it’s depraved, it’ll hasten the end of the world. I’m tired of the whining & just want everyone to look at this issue rationally.

To hear these people talk, you’d think the government just mandated a glory hole in every American bathroom.

I wager that many women regularly engaging in irresponsible sex will be too lazy or stupid to use this pill. Let’s be honest, getting pregnant is the least of your worries if you’re having unprotected sex. If you don’t care enough to prevent your own untimely death, thus refuse to run out to the pharmacy for a box of condoms, why would you get off of your skanky ass to go buy this pill at the same pharmacy?

The women using this pill will most likely be rape victims & sexually responsible women who’ve had accidents. Really.

Purchasing this pill is the equivalent of buying many other forms of contraception. It’s not any easier to come by, cheaper to purchase or simpler to use than condoms, sponges, spermicides & the like. So the women buying it will most likely be the same women that already go into these same stores to purchase contraceptive devices.

It’s unbelievable that in the 21st century we’re still treating American women as second class citizens. I’ve never heard a single “moralist” decry Viagra. But look at it logically: if a man has to take a pill to get an erection, he’s got a short window of time in which to act on it. (Apparently less than 4 hours).

In his heightened sexual frenzy, is he going to take the time to responsibly use contraception as well as protection against disease? Any guy on this stuff is an A-1 candidate for irresponsible sexual activity. Yet I’ve never heard a single moralist question the responsibility of this drug or its users.

There was no protest at Viagra’s approval. No one was crying that it would lead to debauchery, the collapse of American society, etc.

So the message here is that men are sexually responsible simply because they are male. Men are supposed to “do it”. Frequently & proudly, even when nature has clearly mandated that they stop.

Thus, any device that leads to an increase in male sexual activity is unquestionably acceptable. Women are not given the same benefit of the doubt by any stretch of the imagination, nor are they given the same respect by society’s moral champions.

To those people I have but one question: If it’s ok for men to have sex but it’s not ok for women to have sex, just who should these men be banging?

Angry Cities & the People Who Love Them

2006-08-26T14:12:00.000-04:00

A recent article on MSN Health asks "How Angry Is Your City?". The 100 angriest cities have been ranked -- from most angry to least -- for your information. I was kind of hoping for examples, so I was a little disapointed by the succinct explanation & bare list.

But then I realized that the simplicity allows us to draw our own conclusions which is sometimes more fun than boring old facts. FYI, da Burgh is #90, which means we're kind of angry sometimes but not nearly as angry as 89 other US cities. Which is good, I guess.

The ratings were based on high blood pressure rates as reported by the CDC, instances of road rage & violent crime statistics. It would be interesting to know if the author considered fan behavior in stadiums because, if so, we might have ranked higher had the list had been compiled after the psuedo-punk post-Pirates show the other night.

Anyway, I've decided to randomly pick on some other cities, many of which I've never even visited, just because I'm kind of a jerk & think my own jokes are hilarious.

The angriest city in America is Orlando. That's right, our very own Disneyland is a virtual hotbed of aggressiveness. The armchair psychologist in me suspects this is a direct result of the correlation between large crowds, stupidity & aggravation.

I'm just not a crowd person, mostly because I'm just not a people person. It's one of my personal pet peeves & I could go on forever but I do realize that nobody cares so I'll just give one example. I recently chose to watch the entire second half of an NFL game not from my awesome 3 rows from the bench seats on the 40 yard line but rather from a ramp at Heinz Field.

There I was, sitting in this great seat watching the game, but the idiot next to me just couldn't stop being a dumbass. By halftime, both of my feet had been stepped on repeatedly, I'd been elbowed in the neck, face, arm, ribs & left boob more times than I could even count. I'd been whipped thrice by his terrible towel, whacked with his hat & sneezed on.

Yelling at a football game doesn't bother me one bit, as I often lose my voice after a particularly action-packed game. But this guy was really on my nerves. He was apparently attempting to start a new catchphrase & just kept yelling stupid things that made no sense.

Most disturbingly, he'd holler "Go Deeeee!" at the offense or "Go Ohhhhh" at special teams, often cheering for players that were not actually in the game.

The selfish jerk to my right was half in my seat as well but it really wasn't Mr. Steph's fault. The grotesque female specimen to his right just coughed & sneezed the entire time, never once covering her mouth but turning her head away from her companions (i.e., toward Mr. Steph) every time she let a mucous-fest fly.

She also had long, greasy unkempt hair that she was constantly flouncing out behind her. I don't know how he kept his composure the entire time because if that filth carpet had touched me even once, I would have completely freaked out then rushed home to boil myself, but that's just me.

Oh and the grandfatherly type in front of us physically shoved me out of the way as we walked down the steps in tandem. He mistakenly though that the cameraman was focused on his empty seat & that he was missing an opportunity to have his wrinkled old ass-face on tv.

I know what you're thinking, Steeler fans are all inconsiderate drunks. Well, these gems all appeared to be stone sober. But I learned something very important in my most recent frustrating encounter. I'm going to practice my pratfalls from now on.

The next time a stranger shoves me out of the way, everyone within a mile radius is going to see an Oscar-worthy performance. I'll cry out in pain & fear in a squeaky, girlish voice. As concerned bystanders come to my aid, I'll tearfully point to the offender. "That's him! That's the man who ran past & shoved me for no reason!", I'll sniffle before breaking into heartwracking sobs.

But that's a whole 'nother post.

People suck. For every normal considerate stranger you meet in a crowd, there are 20 jerks that will do something painful, disgusting or otherwise offensive. Now that I know dropping three grand will get you a VIP pass allowing you to cut to the front of the line at every attraction, I plan to die relishing the fact that I've never visited a major amusement park. Obviously, they're for suckers & I've worn that label enough times to finally know how to avoid it.

Response to Formerly Enlightened

2006-08-21T15:41:00.000-04:00

{Response to a comment from the previous post}

While I feel your pain for having been treated badly by your ex, you need to understand that it has absolutely nothing to do with feminism. In no way does feminism advocate treating others badly, ruining your husband's life or doing awful things to anyone (including men in general).

It does not encourage drug abuse, abortion as birth control, swinging, BDSM (or any particular lifestyle, for that matter). Nor does feminism devalue or reject family values of any kind.

The fact that your ex-wife sounds like a bitch with questionable morals has nothing to do with feminism. There are plenty of rotten people in the world & lots of them are men. Plenty of awful people are stringently anti-feminist but are still worthless human specimens.

I know plenty of men who have done much worse things to people than what your ex has done to you but I don't advocate hating all men because of these few jerks. If I did, that would seem pretty foolish, wouldn't it?

Should rape victims hate men & be anti-man? I mean, these guys do horrible things to women so by your logic, every female crime victim should become "unenlightened" after being victimized. Should women with crappy exes hate all men? Most violent criminals, rapists & serial killers are men. Should society be "anti-man" because of the awful things men do?

Of course not! So why would you be anti-feminist just because your had a bad experience & blame the woman?

The point I'm trying to make is that women & men of all ideological beliefs act like assholes & being a feminist has nothing to do with it.

Some of the kindest, warmest, most gentlemanly fellows I have known in my life were complete chauvenists, as well. Being scum & supporting gender-equality are completely unrelated.

Your first error is linking the two when there is in fact no link. Your "reasons" for being anti-feminist have no rational basis. Your second error is claiming to have been enlightened at some point & then having regressed because of your ex.

Not possible. If you're enlightened, you don't just regress to unenlightenment. A truly enlightened man would recognize that his ex is an awful person & that her gender has nothing to do with it.

Also, you shouldn't judge all women based on one woman (your ex). Intelligent women would be extremely offended to be lumped into the same category as this skanky shrew merely because of a lack of penis.

From your remarks, I don't think you were ever truly "enlightened". Maybe that's why you hooked up with a bad specimen in the first place. Men who respect women attract women worthy of respect.

That said, here's some advice:

If you pay child support, you're entitled to visitation & parenting time with your children. The fact that your kids sound really messed up would weigh heavily in your favor in any court -- obviously, their mother isn't doing much good raising them so mandatory time with dad is warranted.

Second, you have to try to get over your anger at her. If she's as awful as you say she is, then stop wasting your energy on her in any way. Hating someone takes a lot more out of you than not letting them get to you. You can't just forget & cut all ties because of the kids but you can stop letting her get to you.

It's easier said than done & you can't change your feelings overnight. It will take a lot of effort in the beginning. But once you do it, it will be well worth it. It'll save you a lot of energy & heartache in the long run.

If you refuse to get over it & choose to wallow in misery, blaming other people for the way your life turned out, then you have to be prepared to realize that maybe she wasn't the problem.

Dude Looks Like a Feminist

2006-08-21T09:15:00.000-04:00

What do you think about men wanting to be feminists and joining a feminist movement?

Thanks for asking, Anonymous. I think it's great if men want to be feminists & work to further the cause.

The role of men in the feminist movement is one of the keys to it's success, as men have a disproportionate amount of authority & power in our economy & society. For the goals to be achieved, those in a position to make change (usually men) must subscribe to the philosophy & work toward change.

It doesn't make a man gay or weird to be pro-feminist or feminist, although some people might be suspicious of such a man. Would you complain about the whites who fought against slavery in the 1800's, or people of European descent working for Native American causes, or a Christian supporting a Jewish movement? Of course not, you'd applaud it & this is quite similar.

But unlike many social theories that exist to support or advance a minority segment of society, feminism is unique because it touches all of us in tangible ways. While it may be in everyone's best interests in a general, theoretical way to achieve a lot of social movement goals, every single person in the world can tangibly benefit from gender equality.

Other social issues may or may not directly affect any given person in the world, thus making people feel removed from the topic or indifferent to the cause. But gender affects all of us.

For instance, for a married man with a working wife, imagine the benefits to the family if she earned a true wage as he does. How might it have improved your family life or childhood if your mother had earned a fair wage?

In the workplace, fair wages would boost morale & production. In the community, equal financial opportunities for women spurs new enterprise & helps neighborhoods thrive.

It would improve the quality of life for the millions of children being raised in single-parent female-headed households & their parents.

This is just one economic example as to how it affects all of us. Even if you're a complete chauvenist pig, feminism has benefits for you. If you don't like women in the workforce, raise their wages so they don't have to work as many hours, ha ha.

But there are much more dire consequences as well, for all of us. Look at the nations that violently discriminate against women & you'll see hotbeds of unrest in the world. If we can achieve respect & equality of women in such societies, perhaps the violence & hatred would abate to some extent as well. That could could lead to less genocide, terrorism & wars.

Domestic violence against women is linked to child abuse, animal abuse & other criminal activity. It stands to reason that if we can prevent one, we may be able to prevent the others. Think about it: if a guy has no respect for the women in his life, he probably has no respect for children, strangers, animals or the environment, either. If we can change that mind-set about women, we may better work to change bad mindsets about other issues & behaviors.

It's ridiculous that (roughly) half the world's population is discriminated against simply by having been born female. But the sad reality is that much of the world is a patriarchal society & even in the US, which is supposed to be the land of equality for all, women are still second-class citizens.

Even in the 21st century, women earn less than men for the same jobs. More disturbing is that even in traditionally female industries ("pink-collar jobs" such as teaching, administrative work, social work, etc.) men out-earn females. That's right, if you take 2 secretaries, one male & one female, even when the woman has more experience or education, the man will usually earn more.

So come on, guys, we need you to be feminists too! For more information , check out these great sites:

XY: men, masculinities & gender politics
Feminist.com: Men's Groups

Ask Me Anything

2006-08-19T14:20:00.000-04:00

I’d like to make the world a better place by offering my wise yet zany advice for all occasions & needs!

See more progress on: promote my blog

This is my posting for this entry on my "43 Things" list. If you haven't checked it out yet, visit 43 Things because it's really cool. This website is devoted to helping you achieve your goals in life no matter what they may be.

From accomplishing things to meeting people & visiting places, post it here. Find out how many other people share your goal & what they're doing to make it happen. Update your progress, problems or post your questions to those who've already accomplished it.

You can do it on your own or make your friends sign up & work as a team. See a moving or motivated goal? Cheer that person on. It's very interesting reading & some of it is pretty inspiring. If nothing else, you'll get email reminders nagging you to get on with it (whatever it is). You can dictate the frequency of reminders, reorder your list & cross things off as an inspiration to yourself & others.

It's pretty neat, check it.

Paging Common Sense

2006-08-19T10:56:00.000-04:00

A recent news story detailed the plight of a little girl who was mauled by a dog at a local animal shelter. Although I don't recall seeing any coverage at the time of the attack, at least one local paper followed up with the victim as she recovers months later. At just 6 years old, this child has facial scars & has been seriously traumatized by the attack, as you might imagine.

What's even more sad is that this attack should never have even happened. The mother of this child is so clueless & irresponsible, it's sickening. She apparently knows nothing about dogs, thus wouldn't be a responsible dog owner anyway & shouldn't have a dog.

Even more disturbing, the girl's father is now suing the animal shelter. No good can come of this & it's one of those situations that just makes you want to cry in frustration. It's the now-typical saga that plays out daily in our zealously litigious society: Someone does something very, very stupid. They hurt themselves or an innocent party by doing this stupid thing. Then some innocent third party is somehow held responsible for consumer stupidity. As a result, society as a whole suffers in various ways. Here's what happened:

The girl's mother & her boyfriend took their two young daughters (ages 4 & 6) to adopt a dog. The 6 year old was attracted to a malamute because he had the same name as her father & brother.

This 80-pound dog was a stray that had only been at the shelter a few days. Employees knew nothing about the dog's background or temperment with children, but this was of no concern to the mother.

Rather than seek out a dog that the shelter staff could vouch for, or a dog that had a good temperment with kids, the adults wanted this dog. The mother, boyfriend & two girls went into a room to play with the dog but the dog seemed uncomfortable. Then the dog & the little girl were left unsupervised & the attack occurred.

Mom's first error was making a poor choice of pet for small children. Her second error was ignoring what the dog tried to tell them. Instead of recognizing that the dog was anxious & maybe not ready to be adopted, didn't like strangers or didn't like children, she simply chose to assume that he needed to relieve himself.

So the mother left the room to go fill out adoption paperwork!

Picture it. You go to a shelter & you're daughter says, "I want that one, Mommy, because he has the same name as Daddy!" The dog she's pointing to is bigger then both kids & is of an aggressive breed not known for being fun-loving family pets. You ask about the dog & the staff tells you they don't know anything about this stray.

That means he's either been abandoned by a terrible owner or he's a feral dog, neither of which bode well for a kid's pet. They bring the dog into a room to interact with you but instead of everyone having fun, the dog is stressed & agitated. Do you immediately request adoption papers? I think not. This woman isn't knowledgable or responsible enough to even be a dog owner, let alone raise children.

But the story continues:

After the mother leaves the room, the dog knocks over the 4 year old, then puts his mouth near the 6 year old's face. Instead of moving the dog away from the girl, the boyfriend turns his back on them. When he turns around again, the dog is biting the girl.

What happened to this little girl is heartbreaking. But the idea of her father suing the animal shelter is even more so.

Shelters shouldn't be held responsible for your lack of common sense when adopting a pet.

Having adopted shelter dogs for years, I'm astonished by her total lack of good judgment. Any responsible dog owner would elect to steer kids toward a dog the shelter staff can vouch for, even if it means traveling to other shelters to find the "right" dog for the family.

At the very least, she should've elected to return at a later time, once the shelter was more familiar with this new dog. Adult animals with completely unknown backgrounds are rarely a suitable pet for small children, if ever.

Anyone looking to adopt should be cautious of a new stray, since the shelter hasn't yet had time to evaluate & the animal comes with no background information. When the dog showed anxiety, the adults ignored him. The dog was clearly either aggressive or felt threatened (which will also cause aggressive behavior), yet his warnings were ignored & they wanted to adopt him right away!

If these people don't recognize the most basic communications, they aren't equipped to be pet owners. Chances are, this dog's behavior is a direct result of some idiot just like these two having mistreated him his entire life.

And turning your back on a stray dog & a small child is about the most irresponsible act an adult can make, second only to bringing the two together in the first place. What happened to the child is awful & I hope with all my heart that she's able to recover fully, both physically & mentally from this attack. But the people responsible for her trauma are the adults that accompanied her that day, not the shelter.

Her father should be suing her mother & the boyfriend, not the Humane Society of Cambria County. Why victimize a non-profit community service organization & allow the truly guilty parties absolution? This situation is a result of parental negligence (or just plain old stupidity).

Shelters are always in need of resources; many are run almost totally from donations & volunteer efforts. Taking their money is a lose-lose situation for the entire community: Already strapped funding will be further depleted so countless animals in need will go without help, employees could lose their jobs or the shelter could be forced to close.

If the shelter closes, neighbors may be more inclined to buy than adopt, creating a larger burden on other shelters in the area. Or the area could may become overrun with abandoned animals, if there's no place to take them. In those situations, some people always take to "euthanizing" unwanted pets in inhumane ways. If they've raised an animal unsuitable for domestic living & have no shelter to dump it on, people will generally shoot a dog or abandon it to starve to death, get run over, etc.

What's also very disturbing about this story is that the girl's father hopes his lawsuit will force shelters in general to "improve" screening procedures? Screening for what? Are they supposed to give each person that walks in a mental competency test to determine whether or not that person is responsible enough to be a dog owner?

How is the shelter in any position to tell a person they are an irresponsible parent? Shelters exist because irresponsible, ignorant people make stupid decisions when choosing a pet.

In essence, shelters exist solely because people like her make stupid choices & then refuse to accept responsibility for their actions. So someone has to step up & be responsible for the animals & the safety of the community. Shelters of all types may begin to turn away strays, large breeds, animals with unknown backgrounds or even volunteers for fear of liability claims such as this one.

They perform an invaluable public service to both people & animals. The employees & volunteers do it at great personal risk & sacrifice a lot to make the world a better place for all of us. It should be criminal for any person devoid of good judgment to walk into a shelter, expose their own child to harm & then try to hold the shelter responsible for the damages.

These organizations always need your help, so please remember to donate time, money or goods as frequently as you can. Most shelters post wish-lists on their websites so that you know exactly what to donate. If you're interested in making a goods donation please contact me. Mr. Steph & I try to take periodic carloads of goods to Action for Animals in Latrobe, where we got Rocco.

Without animal shelters, we would all suffer in ways we don't even realize. Even if you're not an animal lover, imagine how your community would suffer without them as a public health issue: Animals would be abandoned in the streets, communities would be overrun by strays for lack of cheap spaying & neutering. There'd be danger to everyone for lack of free & reduced-cost animal vaccinations, obedience classes & similar programs. Please realize that they benefit everyone & need help from all of us, all of the time.

Ooooh, a Mystery!

2006-08-18T08:27:00.000-04:00

I love mysteries. Since my earliest childhood, I've dreamed of being a detective. Unfortunately for me, I'm quite possibly the most unobservant person in the whole world. Also, I have the attention span of a gnat. Obviously, these qualities do not make an ace detective.

I love CSI & think that would be the world's coolest job (yes, I know that no real police force actually goes to that much trouble for any case). Sadly, I also know that as a CSI, I would quickly be fired for having trampled through the crime scene like a bull in a china shop, missing crucial & obvious evidence, sneezing away trace, etc.

As a kid, I'd make up elaborate mysteries where none existed, just for the oportunity to "solve" them. Of course, that was always a disapointing end, since there was no mystery & none ever spontaneously appeared in my investigation.

That leaves me with writing as my only chance to solve mysteries, since the only ones I ever encounter are the ones I can dramatically conceive in my own imagination. But every now & then, I do get lucky & come across a genuine puzzle that requires investigation. Now if only I could actually get to the bottom of one successfully . . .

But I digress. My current favorite case is regarding the mystery beast recently found dead in Maine. If you haven't seen the headlines, check out this strange tale on MSN, "Is dead beast the marauding 'hybrid mutant'?" Residents have been reporting sightings of the mysterious creature for about 15 years & the article interviews some who've seen it up close.

It's described as having "chilling cries", glowing eyes, an unbearable stench & an "evil" presence. Pretty severe, huh? Guesses of it's origin include fisher, coyote, dingo or wolf-dog hybrid but one look at the photo makes it pretty clear that this animal is not of the canine family as we know it.

For starters, it's got disproportionately tiny ears that stand straight up, more bat-like than canine. And where wolves & the like have elongated, narrowing muzzles this thing has a wide, snub snout more remniscent of a pig. Eyewitnesses claim it had protruding fangs which curled over the lips, which is also not a typical canine characteristic. In most species of that family, the fangs are mostly straight with a slight inward curve.

What's truly remarkable about this story is that the humane services & wildlife officials of the area declined to view the carcass. Ummm, hello, but when a strange mutant creature just appears in your town, isn't that your job?

A few years ago, a hunter killed an animal that could not be identified although officials claim that DNA testing revealed it to be a wolf-dog hybrid. Well, if you've ever seen a wolf, a dog or a hybrid, this is quite obviously not one of those.

My thirst for answers here is insatiable & I plan to google this diligently until I find out more. I'll kepp you posted & please contact me if you have any information on this story.

From the Heart

2006-07-30T12:46:00.000-04:00

A quick glance at the calendar has sent me into a panic. I've got less than 45 shopping days left until one of the most difficult holidays of the year. I have a large family that showers everyone in love & gifts, which is nice but is also expensive & tedious. Especially for me because I'm a real tightwad & I hate to shop. Hate. It.

For most of my life, my mother has been the most difficult person on my gift list. You know how moms are, they never need anything, they don't want you to spend your money on them, they know you're too busy to run around finding the perfect gift, etc. etc.

Problem is, my mom is awesome & does so much for all of us. It's often a thankless job, taking care of everyone in your world. Though I try to show her my gratitude & love every day, I still feel the need to find just the right things for holidays.

Sidebar: Mom feels the need to impart the same standard for holidays which involve Dad. However, Dad likes to remind us all that she doesn't speak for him & he does in fact expects gifts. Not that I mind because I want Dad to know he is loved & appreciated as well. But -- what could my parents possibly want or need that they can't get for themselves that I could supply? Ummm, nothing!!! It's a real challenge.

So there used to be many gift-giving occasions that I looked forward to with great anticipation & a handful that brought some trepidation as well. Now all that has gone out the window.

For years, I have prided myself on being able to give Mr. Steph the perfect gift for every occasion. A mix of the fun-but-useful, the purely-for-entertainment, the luxury-he'd-never-get-for-himself, the whimsical gadgets & on & on. If there was something he wanted but did not have, I've always made sure he received it for the next birthday or holiday celebration.

Then something awful happened. It seems that no matter how much he loves something, he becomes completely disinterested in it once it has been presented to him by me in the form of a gift. My bestowing a gift of any sort has become the kiss of death for every passion in his life. I'm annoyed & also completely at a loss to explain this.

He pines for that special DVD, fancy wallet, better scanner or remote-controlled something or other. He excitedly plays with his new toy on Christmas morn, his eyes shining with enchanted joy. He'll wear the new watch to his birthday dinner. Then they are put away, never to be seen again.

He claims to love his gifts & insists that he uses them & enjoys them. Yet somehow, he manages to utilize them all for tons of pleasure without me ever witnessing a single second of joy. Curious, indeed.

The straw that broke the camel's back came the other day as we watched a Pirates game. It happened like this: He mentioned how he really wants to "get a model of PNC Park".

Ummm, I gave you one for your birthday 5 years ago.

There followed an extended period of "Yes I did" & "No you didn't", that escalated to raised voices. He was quite emphatic until I threatened to produce a receipt. (I'm kind of anal-retentive so he was afraid to call my bluff here.) Suddenly, he recalls a few boxes of "special keepsakes" he's storing at his mom's house.

I don't understand this phenomenon at all. No matter what it is or how much he thinks he wants it, he loses all interest in it once he gets it. I suppose I should be honored that I haven't been kicked to the curb yet, as we've surpassed the 5 year anniversary. I think poor Rocco lives in constant fear that one day his own attraction to his master shall inexplicably wane.

It makes me wonder what may be next for us all. My daydreams are often fantastically dramatic, I'll admit, but here are some of the possible scenarios I've envisioned:

"Happy birthday, honey. Here's your favorite dinner."
"Thank you, dear, but I no longer eat food. I've found alternative means of nutrition."

"Merry Christmas, sweetie. I hope you enjoy breathing this fresh air I had tanked just for you."
"Oh, that's quite thoughtful of you, darling. But I breathe my own special blend now. See the little tank on my back?"

Maybe I don't have to understand this. Maybe I'm supposed to learn from it. Perhaps his next gift should be a sports package of all college football games for the entire season or a coffe table book about not putting your clothes in the hamper. Yes, I may just be able to use this to my advantage.

Last Seen Making Fun of Strangers . . .

2006-07-29T16:28:00.000-04:00

Finally, a question!!!

Steph - Where's your blog? - Heather

Thanks for asking, Heather. I really didn't think anyone cared! If you can bear with me for the usual long-winded response, I'll explain.

Many aspects of the universe have conspired to prevent me from blogging in the last 2 weeks. It all started with an evil A&P prof, who shall remain nameless. Let's just say that if you're planning on taking classes at a local university, please contact me for confidential advice, as I have now actually attended most of the colleges in the greater Pittsburgh area.

Anyway, Dr. Meaniepants teaches for the test. No, not the all-important professional exam I must pass to receive certification, but rather his own tests. Apparently, this seemingly kind & gentle man is a tyrannical ruler in his own mind. His very lifeforce is dependent upon ensuring that nobody learns anything about A&P that will be useful in the future. He wants us to learn the useless miutiae of the human body because he seems to receive joy only from torturing his students. The only thing he loves more is to give tests. Sometimes 2 in one week.

We have a test every week 2 weeks at least. Often, we only have 6 days from the intro of new material until an exam. The pace is maddening. Although complex science courses always include a lab component, we don't get to "do" anything in lab except have more lecture. There is no hands on action & we aren't in any way exposed to living things. Thus, it's a theoretical kind of abstract biology course which means nobody is learning a damn thing!

Which is too bad, because anything below a 75% is failing & failing any course gets you dropped from the program. So in many ways, studying has become my life.

Usually I still manage to fit in the important stuff, like feeding my dog & blogging but a chain of unforeseen events was recently set into motion. If you recall back to the original posts on this blog, this whole thing was supposed to be a vehicle to develop a character in my novel, which has since begun to collect dust because I spend most of my free time studying. But that sudden nerd-o-morphisis has drained all of my creativity.

No longer could I call up a cool comeback to my snarky neighbor or a witty quip to flow from my characters' lips. Neigh, I could only think & speak & write in stilted, uptight grammatically & scientifically correct non-fiction. All of this studying was driving me mad & sucking the very coolness out of me.

There've also been some concerts, a wedding, a dog-breaks-bed incident & some other miscellaneous situations that demanded my full attention. Compounded with a buggy home computer that was "in the shop" for weeks, a loaner computer 10 times worse than the one being repaired & this being busy season at the widget factory, I had no means of blogging without getting fired.

A couple of times, I managed to get to Widget Co. early or blog during lunch but that just wasn't working for me. I need to blog unrestrained without fear of bosses or coworkers or time constraints. However, I've learned some valuable lessons here & plan to put them to work in the future.

I've decided to stop spending my entire life trying to get an A in A&P. I have a high enough grade that as long as I pass the rest of my exams, I'll pass the course. This is one case where mediocrity is good enough for me & I will sacrifice the A (or even the B) to take my dog to the park, go fishing or just watch a TV show without feeling guilty.

And I've got my computer back, but it's still not fixed. It's barely 6 months old & I've had nothing but problems, have sent it back 3 times for repairs but received no satisfaction whatsoever. So if my blog ever halts permanently & without explanation, you'll know I finally snapped & strangled the bastard that sold it to me & am in prison with no means to blog.

Until then, I plan to keep it coming & be more regular with the posts. But thanks for asking!!!

Arrrrr, mateys

2006-07-13T08:34:00.000-04:00

Swashbuckle This
The other day at work, everyone was talking about movies. You know, what's your favorite, remember that scene, unforgettable quotes. Then it turned into a discussion of horrible movies, wastes of time, wish I had my $10 back, that kind of thing.

My pal Jim went on for almost 10 minutes about some particularly awful no-name-actors-straight-to-DVD-stranded-on-a-desert-island pirate flick. The "plot" is loosely based on a Survivor-type game show & the movie starts out pretty bad & gets progressively worse.

He couldn't even make it halfway through, that's an hour of his life he'll never get back, he can't believe he spent even $5 on this garbage, etc. So imagine my surprise when I walked in to work today & Jim comes skipping over to thrust this dvd into my hand.

"Hey, I thought you might want to check this out," he said.
"Isn't this the worst movie ever?"
"Well, yeah . . . " awkward pause . . .
"Ummm, thanks . . . I guess."

I'm a Cartoon Burglar
My fascination with pirates has combined with my total lack of fashion sense to bring a new, nautical-themed piece into my wardrobe. Feeling kitschy & cool, I flounced off to work in my new top but only got as far as my own kitchen before the heckling began.

"Did you escape from jail? Are you robbing me? Where's your little mask?"

It only got worse as the day progressed. By the time I got to my desk, I was considering a dash over to the dollar store for a different shirt. Yes, it was that bad. Henceforth, I'm now known in the office as The Hamburgler, or so I'm told.

Manly Men
Lest both of my readers suspect the pirate-themed posts have anything to do with that movie, I'll just nip that in the bud right now. Yes, I like pirates & I probably just have them on the brain because of all the baseball I've been watching lately. As far as carribbean pirates go, I'm just not interested. Not my kind of movie.

Plus, Johnny Depp is so feminine. Men that look like girls are creepy. Drag queens are cool because they go all-out & you've got to appreciate their abilities. But this quasi-feminine, metrosexual, pretty-boy thing -- whatever you want to call it -- gets on my nerves. Men shouldn't have hairdressers, wear make-up or have less body hair than small children.

Torturing Homophobes with Pirate-Themed Silliness
In high school, I worked at a pizza place with a guy who was extremely homphobic. He was constantly concerned that his male coworkers were "secretly gay" & checking him out. The paranoia was probably rooted in the fact that everyone stared at this guy all the time. Although we were firmly ensconced in the 90's, he was always wearing a leather vest & fingerless gloves.

Add his trademark dangly gold earring, too many cheap gold necklaces to count, shirt unbuttoned just enough to let a little chest hair peek out & you've got a real looker. Oh, plus he had a tail, which of course has never been, isn't & will never be ok. I used to call him "Early 80's Guy" but the nickname alone just wasn't enough.

His preoccupation was stupid, disruptive & annoying. I have a mischevious streak & just love to find an easy mark so this guy was throwing himself to me on a platter. I devised my own little game that seemed to eventually take on a life of it's own.

Whenever he walked by, I'd fake a cough & mutter "Ass Pirate". He'd flip out every time.

Frankly, I don't see any homosexual connotation in this phrase whatsoever. It doesn't even make any sense, it's just gibberish. But it drove him crazy & his tantrums were entertaining for all. Even his wife liked this game. His agitation was an aphrodisiac to the mischevious little devil Steph inside me so every few tantrums, I'd ramp up the "Ass-Pirate" game a notch.

It escalated to the point of little cartoons of a swashbuckling Dave marching little cartoon people with round, voluptious asses down the plank of his ship . . .

Those were good times indeed. Maybe I'm a terrible person & I'll burn in hell for flaunting my evil. But I've given tens of people hilarious memories that will last a lifetime so I have no regrets.

Tribute to OIP

2006-07-09T19:47:00.000-04:00

In the spirit of one of my favorite blogs, I just had to share my own very own "Overheard" moment of glory.

I only hope that I can convey the hilarity of this moment. I was in the Glenshaw Eat 'N Park with my sister & parents for a late dinner, maybe 9-ish. Anyone who's ever been there knows that this place is full of mutants & defies accurate description but I'll try so here goes:

Our meals had just arrived & everyone was digging in so it was pretty quiet. A flock of late-middle-aged dollar-store aficianados rolls past. Everyone is wearing some sort of stretch pants that leave nothing to the imagination. Their heaving bosoms are covered in cheap polyester in all it's bedazzled glory.

They're all oooh-ing & aaah-ing over some fantastic Romeo & talking about what a "lucky girl Julie is" to have him. They are so jealous of her!

"Right here! Right here!", one of them is shrieking excitedly. "This is where they had their first date so of course it's where he brought her to propose. Can you imagine anything more romantic?"

Umm, how about a proposal that doesn't feature the absolute most ghetto Eat 'N Park in the area? For that matter, how about a proposal sans Eat 'N Park altogether? Maybe I'm some kind of horrible snob but I prefer my romantic dinners at restaurants that don't make me sick on a regular basis.

For the very best of strange tidbits of mysterious & hilarious conversation, visit Overheard in Pittsburgh.

Again with the Weinermobile

2006-07-06T08:32:00.000-04:00

Creepy payroll guy may be a closeted Ask Steph reader becasue he's ceased to sexually harass me. Of course, he did say that he was accused of sexually harassing other clients (unfairly, of course) so maybe he's been disciplined in how to not be creepy to clients.

Sadly, he is now connected in my mind to my beloved Weinermobile. Although I'm not terribly fond of eating hotdogs, I do love the whimsical nature of this vehicle. The Weinermobile is celebrating it's 70th birthday & this compels me to share my own tale of this hallowed American treasure.

It's always been my dream to drive it. Is it a full-time job or more of a contract thing? Can you make a living driving the Weinermobile? I had no idea but I knew it was what I wanted to do. I never expected anyone to support this pipe-dream, least of all my parents because they had far more realistic expectations of their kids, like law school & engineering.

But at one time, my mom encouraged me to follow this dream. At a loss as to how to even apply for this job (not to mention they probably weren't even hiring), I was whining about it to her one day. She suggested I send them a letter & see what happened.

I promptly set to writing my masterpiece, full of admiration & detailing my dedication to this particular career field. I spent days drafting, editing, redrafting until I was driving everyone around me crazy. Finally, when it couldn't possibly be any better, I licked that fateful envelope.

There were butterflies in my stomach as I dropped the letter in the mailbox. I skipped home to wait, full of anticipation. I'd be perfect, I thought, how could they not want me? I'd be the best Weinermobile driver ever!

A few days later, my dream crashed around me when the latest issue of some popular magazine was brought to my attention. They had recently interviewed the guy that drives the Weinermobile & he said he got the job by sending a well-crafted letter inquiring about the position. After that interview was published, they were buried in letters & emails from everyone & their mom who wanted to drive the Weinermobile.

Mine was lost in the crush of thousands of pleas, never to be valued for it's sincerity or originality. My dream was irrevocably lost. Like the day we stopped at a gas station & my parents were in too much of a hurry to let me take the Pepsi challenge, this will haunt me forever, keeping me from ever being completely at peace. Sure I don't think about it every day, but these things are always there, just below the surface, occasionally rising into my consciousness to torture me with thoughts of what might have been, if only . . .

Tales of a Warped Childhood

2006-07-06T08:02:00.000-04:00

I'm sure both of my loyal readers are just dying for the next installment in the saga of my half-assed elementary school, so I won't make you wait any longer. I do apologize for the delay in posting; Let's suffice it to say that the last week has been somewhat hectic including yet another dog bite. But we'll leave it at that . . .

In second grade, I remember a particularly awful woman who actually shook a poor student for inadvertently making a pencil mark on a table. Maybe all first grade teachers routinely shake innocent children but I have a feeling it was unique to my school.

The fun really began in the sixth grade when the goal was to teach us a foreign language. It's a great idea & they should have been teaching us foreign languages, so no complaints there. The downfall was the teacher: He didn't speak any English so of course this experiment didn't last very long & was completely unproductive in every way.

The scariest thing about my school, hands down, was the evil witch that taught the 7th & 8th grades. I'm not using witch as a metaphor or a euphism here. She was thin & pinched with a pointy nose, scary bulging eyes & long, stringy, unkempt hair. Lest I offend any Wiccans, I'd like to clarify that this woman looked like the stereotypical cartoon witch & had a personality that would make Hitler seem like an ok guy.

She struck fear in the heart of the average student & was mercilessly mocked by the less easily intimidated. Helpless in the face of mockery, her response was to exert even more cruelty on the weak & innocent. She would pepper her speech with foreign words & phrases, in an attempt to seem educated & cosmopolitan. Unfortunately for her, even most middle-schoolers were familiar with these words & knew that she was using them incorrectly.

A ceaseless bully, there was hardly a parent that didn't come head-to-head with this dragon lady on a regular basis. Psychotic screaming fits, name-calling, belittling students, she was guilty of all these & more on any given day. She would punish students for not participating in church functions on weekends, but was herself exempt from them.

In 7th grade, she mercilessly skewered a girl who had opted to visit her dying grandfather one sunday, thereby skipping an annual religious procession -- in front of the entire class, no less. But in 8th grade, that same teacher spent an entire period detailing why she herself had skipped the festival that year by regaling us with a story of a "fantastic" marathon party she had attended instead. Ooookay.

Even as children, we realized that this was a desperate cry to belong. I mean, who has marathon parties anyway? And even if someone does, who goes to them? Better yet, who views a marathon party as more important than religious duties, but doesn't find visiting a dying grandparent a viable excuse?

We could only presume that this was the first time she had ever been invited to any party at all & that because of her desperate reaction, would probably be the last time as well.

Luckily for me, I was able to get into public school by 10th grade. The Catholic high schools around here are fine for regular students but when your education had been as severely handicapped as mine had been, you need some special help catching up to the rest of the world. After 3 years at one of the city's best magnets, I graduated with an honors diploma, college credits & a full scholarship to one of the most prestigous colleges in the US.

Luckily for everyone else, that school closed years ago & no other children will ever suffer as I have suffered in the name of neighborhood schooling, at least in my old neighborhood.

Fox Sports Net Sucks!!!

2006-06-29T18:26:00.000-04:00

S-U-C-K-S.

In all caps.

There are many reasons why FSN completely sucks, not the least of which is their stranglehold on our sports viewing. Yes, we all know that Fox owns DirecTv & we all know that they want you to buy their subscription sports packages.

Sure, they make a lot of money by withholding sporting events from the majority of viewers, thereby blackmailing the die-hard fans into these stupid, expensive packages.

But allowing us to occasionally view non-local teams surely won't destroy their monopoly. Many people enjoy thoroughly enjoy sports but simply can't afford to spend hundreds of dollars per year for access to the forbidden golden channels.

The extortion & holding out is bad enough but the indiscriminate dismissal of sports voices can't be overlooked. Isn't it bad enough that the Penguins are a horrible team that can barely generate interest? Taking away Mike Lange is a nail in the coffin of Pittsburgh hockey. There are certainly lukewarm viewers that won't tune in to the next disappointing season if it's not narrated by Mike.

Sure, the Pens can put him on the radio but if they pull the same slimy crap that CBS pulls during Steeler games, it will still cost the team fans. In case there's anyone out there who doesn't follow the NFL (although I believe that all 3 of my readers do), CBS delays video a few seconds to ensure that fans who mute their awful sportscasters & tune in to local radio broadcasts hear what happens well before they see it.

Now, CBS has some of the worst announcers in sportscasting history but if you want to watch your team play, you have to put up with the blathering of their nonsensical morons. This is in complete violation of the terms of their broadcasting contract with the NFL & they are ocassionally fined for it, yet they do it every game without fail.

I guess money is the only thing that matters to the media. They'll make theirs at any price, even if it means putting their bread & butter out of business. It's greed & sleaziness like this that make it hard not to hate the human race.

Warped, at Best

2006-06-29T10:12:00.000-04:00

In case anyone wonders how I got to be so warped, here's a little background. I grew up in a loving but misguided family. In most ways, my parents provided all the neccessities for us to grow up & become productive members of society. There was just one shortcoming in our childhoods & I plan to showcase it here.

We lived in a quaint city neighborhood where my parents had been raised & everyone attended the local Catholic school. When mom & dad were kids, that was all well & good but by my time, the church school left a lot to be desired.

The first few years were fine but then things became somewhat questionable. By the time I was in the 4th grade, I knew I was in trouble. My teacher that year (we'll call her Linda K.) wasn't as smart as most of the children she was supposed to be teaching.

In particular she was critical of an essay I'd written, lecturing me at great length that there's no such word as "soam-ee-own". Concerned with retribution, I didn't bother to point out that the word was "someone". But I think she resented my tact even more because she was always really snotty after that . . .

By 5th grade, most of the real teachers had left to work at real schools so things just got worse. Important subjects like science were only taught on monday, wednesday & friday but nobody seemed to think it was a big deal. Art was a "treat" reserved for holidays & was generally just an hour of lame crafts.

Music was no longer on the horizon. After an unsuccessful attempt to bring all students K-8 into the cafeteria & teach us all to play the recorder, we just never spoke of it again. (To this day, I'm not sure if that's really an instrument per se or if it's more on par with the kazoo & those little whistles that sound like a dentists' drill.)

Phys Ed was also a "treat" & was denied to those who had broken any rules, as detention of some sort would require the inept administration to stay in the building after classes ended.

We had English "teachers" who said things like, "I don't want to hear none of that 'I ain't got my homework' crap," and made gratuitous use of the double negative.

While the rest of the world delights in watching The Simpsons, I shudder at times when Springfield Elementary's administrative failures hit just a little too close to home.

There's much more to come & it's even better than this. I swear I'm not making any of this up. It was an actual school & people paid good money to send their children to it! I have friends that attended other Catholic schools in the area, but mine seems to have been unique in so many ways, I can't even begin to list them all.

Eaten Alive

2006-06-21T16:03:00.000-04:00

It was bad enough when karma just bit me on the ass but now it's kind of devouring me. There seems to be a wave of bad luck washing over those around me as well.

One of my brothers recently hit a "racoon" which somehow left no marks on the vehicle but caused over $2000 worth of damage to special parts of the undercarriage. Unfortunately for him, he was driving my dad's car which is only a few months old & costs more than my bro will earn this year. So now I'm worried I'll be short one little brother, very soon.

Yesterday a vile, smelly woman speeding through the construction zone & attempting to cut off the real traffic by flying through the closed lane t-boned Mr. Steph.

It wasn't that bad of a hit except that she hit his truck in the exact same spot that the stupid cell-phone yapping stop-sign running bitch from Ass-hio hit it. Be still my weary heart lest this be curtains for The Onyx (our beloved truck).

Luckily, he has good insurance coverage because Smelly gave a fake phone number. I wasn't there but based on his description of the incident & the woman, my first thought was "crack whore in a stolen car" but what do I know?

By the way, it happened in Shaler, where the cops refuse to come take a report unless someone needs an ambulance or a tow truck. I find this ridiculous because they have a huge police force yet you rarely see them driving around so what are they doing instead of patrolling or reporting traffic incidents?

They're not preventing crime, according to friends that live in the Shaler Highlands apartment complex. Residents there claim a constant parade of degenerates through the complex, leaving behind such niceties as used condoms, beer cans & hypodermic needles.

So if the police don't patrol, don't take accident reports in high-traffic congested areas & don't prevent crime, what do they do? Just curious, so if anyone knows . . .

To top it all off, we aren't going to start dissecting cats in A&P this week! For the love of God, I've been taking A&P since January & have not yet touched an organ. WTF? Instead of cutting stuff up in our "labs" he just lectures.

Shockingly, no one is actually learning anything about anatomy or physiology by simply hearing someone drone on about it. Students have even offered to supply the cats if that's the problem, as we already skipped a pig heart dissection due to lack of scalpals. It sucks.

Mom has talked me into going to see a psychic tomorrow. I think it'll be cheesy but entertaining. I plan to amuse myself by reading her & trying to determine what clues of mine she picks up on & manipulates. Yes, I'm a stone cold cynic & no I don't expect this to be in any way useful. But I think it will be neat.

Although the way this week is going, she'll probably tell me that I'm dying or something . . .

Karma Bites Me on the Ass

2006-06-19T09:01:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had one of those moments that's just mortifyingly humiliating?

This morning I walked out of the gas station & was crossing the parking lot to my car. They just put tar over one of the handicapped spots & painted new lines & symbols on it & it must have been slippery in the rain.

I went down like a ton of bricks!! Scraped both knees, right elbow & shoulder & my left hand. Bleeding in 3 places & extraordinarily embarassed. There must have been 50 people in the lot & sitting in traffic at the light in front of the gas station.

I could actually SEE the people in the cars people laughing at me!

But the best part is that when I got back in my car & started to drive to work, something hit my leg . . . I must have fallen on my keys & bent one . . . the key to my office broke off! (It's not like I'm a 400 pound gorilla or anything, the key was already bent & cracked from a previous incident, ok?)

Luckily for me, we rent our office & the landlord has a business next door or I would have really been screwed because my boss is off today!!!

Hopefully, this is not indicative of what my week will be like. It begs the question: Is karma perhaps punishing me for using my blog for evil instead of good? Just in case, I'm only going to post nice things this week & won't make fun of anyone for a whole week. Not ex BF's, crappy neigboring states, our newly drafted future O.J. (Santonio Holmes) or even the jerk that killed the first known grizzly/polar bear mix. Starting now.

Burning Rivers Halt Neurological Development

2006-06-15T08:01:00.000-04:00

Wow, I'm not even trying but it's impossible to read the news without finding yet another reason to hate Ohio. I swear, I wasn't even looking for one! My existing ones are plenty . . .

Bengals & Browns fans are reveling in our QB's injuries, big deal. I'm not surprised nor does it bother me. I expect as much from these kinds of people, especially in Cleveland because it's not as though their own sports teams are anything worth discussing.

What irritates me are the proliferation of comments about Ben's loss of teeth & the large numbers of Ass-hions who believe that will allow him to fit right in here in Pittsburgh. What the hell do my teeth have to do with some idiot Browns fan (oh sorry, that was redundant)?

Lest they forget, I'll take this opportunity to remind them that a few years ago, they came here in droves to be baptized in Iron City by our tailgaters. So watching a football team -- any team -- is far more important than the pride, integrity or loyalty, of which they have none.

There's an interesting article in today's PG discussing this phenomenon with a local psychologist who confirms what I've always suspected: people who act like that have underdeveloped brains. Can't say I'm surprised. He unequivocally states that they are not normal. No surprise there.

Reveling in the misfortune of others - free.

Forcing the state to bury your deceased family members so you can spend the insurance money on yourself - extremely lucrative.

Being called out in a national paper by a psychologist as having malformed brains - priceless.

Another Reason to Hate Ohio

2006-06-12T08:58:00.000-04:00

With the exception of the NFL Hall of Fame, Ohio offers very little that interests me. I've always been indifferent to it but a series of events over the last few years have changed me. Now I hate Ohio or Ass-hio, as I like to call it.

Driving along a fairly busy 2-lane road in the middle of nowhere, some idiot on a cell phone ran a stop sign & t-boned us. She admitted fault to an extent but also claimed to have not been on the phone -- after she proceeded to hang up her first call, then call her husband & tell him to call their neighbor, the state trooper!

Luckily for us, the cops could see exactly what had happened since not one ignorant Ass-hioan bothered to stop, help or give a witness statement. Interestly, the idiot's husband tried to get the police to ticket Mr. Steph for using profanities in front of his inbred-looking children. (And what a string of profanities it was!)

The troopers responded by telling Mr. Idiot that if we'd been in a car instead of a truck, his wife would likely be being arrested for killing the passenger & critically injuring the driver so he'd best shut up. The impact had pulled a brand-new BF Goodrich tire off of the rim but AAA of Ohio wouldn't put it back on for us unless we paid $100, so we had to put the spare on ourselves. All in all, the truck came within $1000 of being totaled & has never been the same since.

A couple of years later, I got a speeding ticket on the way to Cleveland. I was already pissed that I even had to go to Cleveland because it's just plain wrong that Pittsburgh has no clubs & good bands rarely come to town. The ticket in itself wasn't the issue because I do have a lead foot.

The issue was the trooper. He pulled over only out-of-state plates even though other cars were flying. I was doing maybe 70 in a 65 but he tried to say I was doing 86. I wasn't. The ticket had been written for someone else & he just scratched out their plate number & wrote in mine. Oh & the ticket had been written approximately an hour before I even entered their state.

But the best part was he didn't speak very good english. Now, if you have the power to stop me, shoot at me, cuff me & drag my ass to jail, I have the right to know WTF you're accusing me of. Or at least I thought I did but I guess I don't have that right in Ass-hio.

I wanted to contest the ticket on the grounds that I wasn't in their state at the time of supposed violation but you have to attend a hearing just to plead not guilty & then return for the actual hearing. Minor traffic violations are prosecuted by DA's so you're unlikely to win unless you have an attorney & if you lose you pay the fine plus a fee for the officer's time & the DA's time.

Suffice to say the $80 ticket wasn't worth 2 more trips to the Crap State & I've managed to avoid it since then. Consindering the fact that creepy ex BF who liked underage trannies was an Ass-hio native & you can see why this trifecta of suck has turned me against the entire state.

But in case I need a reminder of why Ass-hio blows more than any other state in the nation, the Trib has an interesting story in today's edition. Turns out they have huge problems across the state with people refusing to claim the bodies of dead family members. Although in some cases the families are just too poor to bury the body, in many cases the people are just complete jerks.

Most give reasons such as they didn't like the person but in some cases, the beneficiaries of the estate would simply rather spend the money on themselves. Good old Ass-hio.

Lightning Bugs

2006-06-09T13:52:00.000-04:00

Dear Steph: Why do lightning bugs light up? Thanks, Jerry

Good question, Jerry. The flashes are the way that they mate. Males fly around flashing all the time while the women just sort of hang out until they feel like gettin' it on. When she's in the mood, she responds to a nearby male with her own signal.

The flashing itself is caused by bioluminescence which means that a chemical reaction in their bodies causes the light. There are many species of lb's & each one has it's own "code" for flashing to ensure that they only mate within their species.

Good thing humans don't mate like this 'cause I know some ho's whose asses would spontaneously combust!

Fun Things To Do

2006-06-09T13:24:00.000-04:00

As part of my lifelong effort to rescue the world from boredom, I like to throw out handy tidbits now & then. Let me know if you take the advice & if so, how much you enjoy yourself.

When you're sitting in traffic, find a nearby car with a small child or children in it. Make faces at them & enjoy their reaction. Stick out your tongue, cross your eyes, make antlers with your fingers, you get the idea.

Older kids will usually play along but the really little ones get very angry & that's even more fun.

Horrible Jobs

2006-06-08T09:53:00.000-04:00

In the spirit of warning you all about horrible places to work, I'm going to include this lovely tidbit about a job I held years ago.

While the company itself was completely awful, I had some great coworkers, many of whom are still friends & one in particular who eventually set me up with the little mister, so it was worth it -- but it cost me. A lot.

The owner of the company was a nice enough guy, but he's one of those serial marriers who was getting hitched to wife number #10 or something. She worked there too & we all knew her.

The little missus had a nasty streak & acted in an extremely unprofessional manner. Thrilled at the prospect of marrying a rich older man & thus sharing his bank account, she made a big production of her lavish spending habits.

Most notably, her nipple implants.

I am not making this up. I blocked out as much of it as possible & found ways to keep busy to avoid general office conversation. But there was always something else & it came to a head the day that they excitedly passed around wedding photos.

No big deal, right? Wrong! It was a naked wedding. Nothing like seeing an alcoholic, tanning bed addicted 60-something year old & his former pudding wrestler, nipple-implanted wife saying their vows in their birthday suits.

If only there were some way to clean my eyes . . .

Makes Dio Seem Like Shakespeare

2006-06-06T11:35:00.000-04:00

Many thanks to Michelle for the following post. Check out what she's got to say at Mick's Reality World.

Here's my contribution to your "I Love Rock 'n Roll" post:

My favorite group is Styx. Their music has touched my life in so many ways. One of the most silliest songs of theirs is called "Plexiglas Toilet" from their 1973 album "Serpent Is Rising". My friends and I have so many good memories poking fun at this song! Have fun analyzing this one!!

Plexiglas Toilet

Don't sit on the Plexiglas toilet Said the momma to her son Wipe the butt clean with the paper Make it nice for everyone But don't sit down on the Plexiglas toilet yeah

A boy of 5 stands close to the toilet Holds the lid up with one hand Won't let go the lid for fear that On his banana it will land Don't sit down on the Plexiglas toilet yeah

Boy goes up he eats the enchilada With the sauce that burns the heart Family comes to visit family momma says don't belch and fart

Don't sit on the Plexiglas toilet Said the momma to her son Wipe the butt clean with the paper Make it nice for everyone But don't sit down on the Plexiglas toilet yeah

Everybody Sing!

Worst Job EVER!

2006-06-06T11:23:00.000-04:00

I have a friend that has what may possibly be the worst job ever. If I wasn't firsthand witness to some of the happenings I surely would not believe the stories. It makes me think back on my own horrible job experiences. They are legion, although I'm lucky to have a good job now where I don't have to deal with the hell of jobs past.

Isn't it amazing how sometimes you don't even realize that your job sucks & then some tiny little meaningless event removes the veil from your eyes?

There was a time when I was young & foolish & working 60 hrs. a week, salaried for greedy morons. No matter that I never took a lunch, came in early daily or worked many saturdays without compensation, I was always getting crap from somebody when I finally left for the day. As though somehow it was my fault I couldn't live off of their pittance of a "salary" & needed a second job to pay the rent.

For whatever reason, I believed that I had to work my way up & lived with it until one day the owner interrupted me in the middle of a meeting with an IRS auditor (also a red flag). He had misplaced his Diet Pepsi & it was the last cold can. Could I find it?

Suddenly, I could see things I had not seen before & everything became clear.

We've all had jobs from hell I'm sure. Share yours here to exorcise your demons & give us all a laugh. Not that this blog has widespread exposure but people do read it so feel free to couch your story in thinly veiled euphemisms. Perhaps a creepy boss or coworker from the past will read it & see themselves.

I Love Happy Bunny

2006-06-05T09:04:00.000-04:00

It's impossible to not like Happy Bunny. The creator, Jim Benton, is a genius.

This adorable little character makes even the most stinging insult socially acceptable to wear on your chest, stick on your ride or hang over your desk.

Who among us hasn't wanted to tell a coworker, "I'll be nicer when you're smarter"? I know I have.

How many times have you fought the urge to tell someone, "I know how you feel. I just don't care."? Well, you no longer have to fight that urge. Now you can give them Happy Bunny.

Present it as an unexpected gift & watch their reaction. If you're the non-confrontational type, anonymously leave it on their desk, vehicle or in the mailbox.

The point is, it gives us all options we've long hoped for. I know Happy Bunny isn't exactly new, but in my opinion he simply doesn't get enough exposure.

And don't try to deny it. I truly believe that, like me, every one of you knows someone who deserves to get Happy Bunny on the toilet saying, "I made a little sculpture of you."

If Dogs Had Newspapers

2006-06-04T14:59:00.000-04:00

For reasons I'm at a loss to explain, I've been thinking a lot lately what dog newspapers would have to say. Would they be informative from a dog's point of view?

Breaking news: There's a huge pile of dirt & old leaves in the Wilson's backyard. For those of you who've had baths today, head on over there to dirty up & show your owner who's boss.

Would they be more worldly & intelligent than we give them credit for?

Still, the American president is at a loss to explain his reasoning for keeping our troops in Iraq. Our own political correspondent, Rusty, traveled to the White House this week to ask him some pointed questions.

Would they have columnists that deal with "owner issues" the way we have columns that discuss pet topics? Would they exhalt us or crucify us in the press?

June 4, 2006: Issue One - Opposable Thumbs are Wasted on Humans

As I struggle with this timeless riddle, I hope to bestow some insight unto myself by giving Rocco his own voice. In the interest of important research, I've registered him for his own myspace profile & am keeping a blog of what i think he would want to say to the world.

As you can see, I will do anything to procrastinate from my real responsibilities. But if you too are avoiding some unpleasant task or chore, feel free to waste your time reading it at: http://www.myspace.com/rocco_dogg

It's a Conspiracy

2006-06-02T11:21:00.000-04:00

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I truly believe that the people who own all of the radio stations make them suck on purpose. I think they're the same people who own all of the subscription/satellite radio services & they're bent on making "free" radio suckier & suckier until we all break down & subscribe.

What other explanation could there be? There is plenty of music in the world so why do all of the Pittsburgh stations have a 100-song rotation -- and that's the better stations. The choices are lame, dorky, lamer or puncture-my-own-eardrums-to-end-the-suffering. It's torture.

I love all kinds of music, as I'm sure I've mentioned here repeatedly. The closest thing to listenable (is that a word?) is DVE but they frustrate & disapoint me constantly. Each day it gets worse & I'm approaching my breaking point. Yes, there's a disc player in my office but I think it's inappropriate to be changing cd's when my boss or a client walks in, you know?

Afternoon pirates games bring me some salvation but that's it. I can tolerate The X & K-rock only in a vehicle. Basically, they play about 50% good stuff & 50% suckness, so if there's a good song playing right now, the next song will suck enough to require changing of stations. Not to mention that they just copy each other most afternoons. How often do you switch from one to the other only to hear the same crappy song? Most of the time, that's how often.

It's a travesty, in my opinion. WRRK left a lot to be desired but they were still the best option & of course it was ripped away, as all good radio in Pittsburgh eventually is . . .

Oooh, now they're playing "Purple Haze". Haven't heard this since at least this time yesterday. I put on WJAS this morning rather than tolerate an acoustic in-studio performance by someone from the Clarks. They have maybe 1 song in rotation from AIC, Nirvana, Staind, Live, etc. but can fit the crappy Clarks in 3-4 times per day (shudder).

How can DVE ignore all of the good music in the world but play the same Green Day song 3-4 times in a 12 hour period? It's madness. Don't they realize that the Green Day audience is in school right now & probably don't have radios to listen to at recess? They'll beat "Black Betty" into the ground but God forbid they'd actually play a real blues song. Apparently, their entire studio would self-destruct or something.

What really gets me is that they'll promote bands yet not play them. I got to hear an interview with a member of Black Label Society on K-rock the other day (because he grew up in Canonsburg) but they don't have a single BLS song in their rotation. Go figure. They band only has at least 5 albums, a brand new release, packs the house at Ozzfest, kicks ass on club tours & has a huge following amongst headbangers, southern rock fans, guitar worshippers & blues afficianados. Why would any radio station want to appeal to (and appease) a wide variety of die-hard fans? Gee, I can't imagine.

If anyone out there has a pirate signal & plays real rock 'n roll -- i.e., songs written since my birth not just the ones older than me -- please send me your frequency. Please.

American Justice

2006-06-01T08:54:00.000-04:00

Years ago, I just happened to catch part of an HBO documentary that affected me in a very big way. Having been involved in Amnesty International, Innocence Projects & similar things growing up, I've always been interested in the justice systems & all of it's triumphs & flaws.

If you've never seen HBO's Paradise Lost:The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills & it's sequel, make some time to view them. When filmmakers Joe Berlinger & Bruce Sinofsky traveled to West Memphis, Arkansas, they'd planned to document this crime as part of a series on teen murderers. The goal of the project was to make a film investigating the proliferation of violence in our society in the hopes of explaining what causes teens to murder in cold blood.

What they found during the course of their work was that the 3 teens imprisoned for these murders were most likely not the killers. The evidence used to convict these boys was less than circumstantial, it was pure conjecture. Catalogued evidence from the courtroom used in the capital murder trial included Metallica t-shirts & library books on wicca. The filmmakers were so appalled that they completed their initial project immediately in order to focus solely on this case. They have since made a sequel to the original film & are in production of a thrid installment of the saga.

In this small southern town, the inexperienced investigators comprimised the crime scene, lost evidence & ignored potential leads. Based on the hypothesis of a local juvenile officer, the police force decided within minutes of discovering the bodies, that the town was under the influence of satanists & teens practicing satanism were the most likely culprits.

I'm not making this up. Investigators ignored important clues such as: a delusional man covered in blood who had run into a fast food restaurant near the murder site & locked himself in the bathroom; the fact that one of the victims was possibly sexually assaulted & was killed in such a way that usually signifies a parent as killer; the fact that witness testimony was recanted; and the list goes on & on.

The murders themselves are extremely chilling but the gross miscarriage of justice that has stratched for 13 years is more horrifying. It's hard to imagine any person of my generation not getting a chill from this story & thinking of the old adage "There but for the grace of God . . . "

For any armchair student of murder, American culture or crime & justice, the story of the West Memphis 3 is an absolute must. But it's the kind of story that every American should become familiar with, as it illustrates everything that is wrong with our system, as well as showcasing the intricacies of the role of the media in high-profile criminal cases.

Call on your spirit of activism & learn how you can help. June 6 is WM3 Awareness Day & also marks the 13th anniversary of the day the boys were arrested for murders they very likely did not commit. Only 17 & 18 at the time, they have since grown up in prison, one of them on death row.

With the release of the documentary, many concerned citizens from all over the world have become involved in the fight to demand a new trial for the WM3. The conclusive evidence of this case is that, even if these boys are guilty, they shouldn't have been convicted based on what they read & listen to, since the murders themselves were never actually investigated, only potential suspects were.

Many high-profile celebrities have jumped on board this cause but it's been the music world that's given the most to the movement. Supersucker's frontman Eddie Spaghetti, Henry Rollins, the latest incarnation of the Misfits & many others have recorded albums, given concerts & done book tours (of books written by these prisoners). The new Pearl Jam album just released last month features a song cowritten by Eddie Vedder & the guy on death row, Damien Echols.

For more information on this case, visit WM3.org. This is the kind of situation every American should be involved in because it could happen to any one of us.

MySpace Blows

2006-05-29T10:33:00.000-04:00

One of my best friends moved to LA recently & decided to put a profile on MySpace because she hasn't had a lot of opportunities to meet cool people. I thought that my space was a children's site but what do I know?

Well, Lisa wants me to sign up as one of her friends & no matter what I do, MySpace will not let me register. I know it's not me, their site just sucks. I'm no techno-wizard but I can manage a halfway decent blog & I used to have a very cool website so I'm completely capable of registering myself for MySpace. (or not, because I'm still not registered. Who am I kidding?)

In fact, my tech skills are nothing to scoff at: I once helped a freind create elaborate profiles on a few personals sites in order for her to trap & humiliate her sleazy cheating husband. By the way, it worked really well & when it was over, I almost felt sorry for the guy she got him so good. But I didn't because cheating is a huge no-no in my book.

If you want to play the field & get around, just break it off with your significant other. Cheating is selfish at the least because obviously you know you have a good thing or else you'd dump him/her before stepping out, right?

What are the other possible motivations? You're a dog & don't care if you spread disease. Honesty & integrity are meaningless to you. Your tiny ego is so small that you simply have to manufacture ways to inflate it. Or, worst of all, you get off on making fools out of people that trust in you.

There are no good points to it. What's brought this on, you may wonder? No, it's not anything Mr. Steph did (because he knows his life would be worthless if he crossed me, [maniacal, mad-scientists-type laugh]) These thoughts are courtesy of a recent bitch-fest among a group of pals. It began with one of us running in to an ex last week.

Aaaahhh, good old ex-bashing. I was always one of those people who remained friendly with my exes & couldn't imagine bad-mouthing any of those guys for any reason.

Until I dated a world-class prick, then suddenly I developed the habit of wanting to punch anyone that said anything nice about him. I'm not normally a violent person, but the mere thought of this guy brings about the worst in me.

Jackass (names have been changed to prevent me from experiencing further shame) was quite possibly the most narcissistic person in the world. He was convinced that every woman wanted him & every man wanted to be him. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Among his other lame qualities, he had a band & made it his life's mission, even though they sucked. He insisted on writing all of their songs, being the only guitar player & using the band entirely as a means of self-promotion.

By this I mean, the band was named after him, their website is named after him & all promotional items regarding the band had his picture on them, conveniently omitting other members.

In the unusual event the band ever had a gig, he didn't even feel the need to ensure the other members were available to play. He believed them to be inconsequential to the whole thing because the important thing was that he was there.

In hindsight, it's a good thing he was such a dickless bitch because if he'd had balls, the combination of self-importance & complete delusion is the kind of stuff that usually creates serial killers.

I knew he was a loser but I'm a really nice person (really). At the time I was young & not nearly as assertive as I am now. It quickly evolved into a pity relationship. Then the bomb dropped: He was using my computer (he was too cheap to buy his own) to post online personals. He was having lengthy conversations via email, chat, etc. on my dime & was so technologically illiterate that he didn't have a clue how to hide it from me. I wasn't even looking, just found it by accident.

The worst part about it wasn't that being a nice person let a total dweeb walk all over me. No, the worst part about it was that not everyone he buddied up to was a chick. He had a thing for very young-looking Asian trannies, bordering on kiddie porn. Eeeeew on so many levels, I can't even put it into words.

Even after I broke it off, we remained friends for a while because I still felt a deep pity. I hadn't yet realized that you can be a bitch when it's warranted & still be a nice young lady. Now I'm older & wiser so I know these things.

It's a doozy, but luckily it's my only crappy boyfriend story which I realize makes me incredibly lucky considering some fo the horror stories my friends tell. My best dating horror story came from a night when I ran into an old friend from high school at a bar. He'd graduated a few years ahead of me & lost touch with a lot of old friends when he went away to college.

All night, I had been deflecting the advances of a persistant character named "Scooter" & thought he'd finally left me alone. As I was chatting with my friend, I didn't notice Scooter skulking around the perimeter of the table. Imagine my horror the next day when I received a call from Scooter, who had slimily eavesdropped & written down my unlisted phone number as I gave it to my friend!

My stories are pretty tame compared to most of those shared. One woman had been exclusively dating her man for almost 5 years when he expressed interest in asking out a coworker. She was flabbergasted & before she could even gather herself enough to speak, he said, "Well, it's not like we're married or really together, right?" FIVE YEARS.

One guy had been dumped by his fiance because she wanted to date more guys before settling down. Imagine his horror (pun intended) when she called him 6 months later out of the blue & asked him for his brother's number!

Most of the stories were about cheating & some of them were secondhand, such as the wife who left her husband & their 3 young kids for her tennis instructor. I thought that only happened on soap operas. I mean, who even has a tennis instructor?

I guess what kept me thinking about this topic was an article I read yesterday about a new book coming out. You know the crazy teacher that went to jail for screwing her 14 year old student? No, not that one, the blond chick that just recently got busted. Her ex-husband has a book coming out & the things he has to say are very strange.

There are seemingly endless stories about how to kill a relationship & uneccessarily hurt people who love you. Some of them are sad but most of them are hilarious once the victim has moved on. Send me stories to post here. Use of real names & details is solely at your discretion. Maybe you'd just like to vent or maybe you hope that this blog will catch on like bird flu & everyone will see the slimeball's story. Send em in!

Thursday Blues

2006-05-25T09:08:00.000-04:00

Oooooh, it's Thursday. That means a visit from the creepy payroll guy is imminent. And no one is in the office today to help me look busy. My back-up is to pick up the phone when I hear someone at the door & hit time & temperature on speed-dial. Then I pretend to be engaged in animated conversation. It's actually a lot of fun to manufacture fake conversations & I enjoy having the opportunity now & then.

This weather is kind of depressing. I'm not getting enough vitamin D, I guess. Life has been very boring this week. I haven't seen or heard much of interest to write about. I have a new favorite blog to share. If you haven't visited Overheard in Pittsburgh, do it now. It's one of the funniest things you will ever see. The stuff they find to post here is great & will have you in stitches.

Now that we're both avid readers, Mr. Steph & I are wondering if snippets of our own conversation will someday grace their posts. In discussing the hilarity of OIP, we realized how strange some conversations must sound if a passerby were to hear just a snatch. Yesterday for instance, I had occasion to say something along the lines of, "Well I'd much rather have squid juice on my noodles than know that Crab-Gobblers' drool is all over the plate I'm eating from."

He pointed out that if someone had overheard that, it likely sounded sexual & extraordinarily perverted. But nothing could be further from the truth. We were discussing the horrifying news that a local Chinese buffet has received multiple health code violations. Among them, inspectors found that some foods were not stored properly & there was a risk of cross contamination because bowls of rice & noodles were left in such a position that juice from squid & shellfish may have dripped into the carbs. Another violation was that the dishawasher has no sanitizer! Eeeeew!! Perhaps most disturbing of all is that they caught employees touching food with bare hands, but the employees hadn't washed their hands before touching it.

The details were vague & that doesn't sit well with me. I mean, maybe someone wiped off the counter & didn't wash their hands after handling the rag. Kind of gross, but unlikely to make the diners ill. Or maybe someone swept the floor & didn't wash their hands after touching the dust pan. Kind of icky, but again, not a very high-risk situation. But it could mean just about anything. Maybe the employees don't wash their hands after they use the bathroom or maybe they caught a cook scratching his ass then touching that chicken. Who knows?

It hardly matters because we stopped eating there a long time ago, with good reason. The last time we visited this particular buffet, there was a couple sitting nearby that ate like cavemen. Normally, this can be easily ignored, especially because they were actually behind me so it's not as though I had to look at them. But in this case, the noises they made were loud & horrifying. These 2 people did not simply "eat", they attacked the food. And the food in question was crab legs.

They piled so many crab legs onto their plates that they couldn't get back to their table without losing some. I've never witnessed anything like it but they had to hold the food onto the plates, it was piled so high. Other diners were crossing the restaraunt to get a glimpse of the freaks & even the employees were coming out of the kitchen to see the show.

They ate like monsters, ripping the legs apart, crab meat flying. It sounded like something from animal planet & I expected to turn & see grizzlies eating a seal or something along those lines. The noises were really strange & very loud. Mr. Steph lost his appetite because the only way he could avoid seeing this freakshow was to hunch over his meal like a dog & who wants to eat like that? It was like a car crash & you just couldn't help but to look.

We called them the Crab-Gobblers & still crack up about it even though it was at least a year ago. Thanfully, we were already eating by the time they arrived so I don't have to live with the concern that I've eaten from the same unsanitized plates.

So that may be the kind of thing that inspires the fantastic quotes on Overheard. But it's great not to have an explanation & to simply revel in the hilarity. Share your own crazy dining experiences here. We can all use a good laugh on a yucky day like today.

I'm a Dinosaur

2006-05-23T15:26:00.000-04:00

The other day at the bank it was very quiet then suddenly blaring techno music came out of nowhere & I turned to see a woman who was about 150 years old answering her cell phone. I looked at the teller & said, "Wow! That tune is very Night at the Roxbury" & we both giggled.

What gave me pause was that I overheard Mother Time on her phone call & she was talking about having sent & received some pictures on her phone. That threw me because I am officially the last person in the nation that just has a regular cellphone which does not take pictures.

It's just not a big deal to me. I'm just not a chat-on-the-phone type of girl & anyone who knows me knows the liklihood of calling my cell & it ringing is slim to none. I never turn it on. Some months I look at the bill & see I haven't made or received a single call. So why upgrade to something fancier? It's just one more thing I'll eventually drop in the toilet or out of a moving Jeep & have to replace, right?

Maybe not. I may actually need a picture-taking cellhone & you'll never guess why. Over the past few weeks, I've noticed I keep seeing people that look like cartoon characters. Now, hear me out, I'm not completely insane. I was at a drive-thru the other morning (awaiting my first precious fountain coke of the day) & the guy in front of me looked exactly like the Sea Captain from the Simpsons. I swear to God.

Last time I went to the mall, I saw a kid in Spencers that looked exactly like Speed Racer. Today I sat in traffic & noticed that the woman in the car behind me looked just like "Carol" from SNL -- you know, when Horatio Sanz dresses up like that white trash chick.

If I could get pics of these people, I could start my own Mullets Galore-esque website to post them & bring the world hours of enjoyment. Guess I have to go out & get a new phone. Maybe I should buy one of those Nextel's made for contractors that are wrapped in a thick layer of waterproof rubber . . .

Ronnie James Dio, what are you ON?

2006-05-23T13:33:00.000-04:00

A quintessential example of the ridiculous lyrics, Dio should receive some sort of trophy for his contributions. His music will frequently be showcased here. Don't get me wrong, I love the music but the words? Come on now. Check this out: For starters, what exactly is a "Holy Diver"? Does anyone even know? Is it a real thing? I think maybe he just wrote down words & then picked any word that rhymed with the first.

"Ride the tiger. You can see his stripes but you know he's clean. Oh, don't you see what I mean?" Well, no actually I don't.

"Between the velvet lies, there's a truth as hard as steel. The vision never dies. Life's a never ending wheel."

Huh? None of it makes any sense at all. But if you can prevent the logical portion of your brain from making you giggle, it's an awesome tune. Turn it up & "jam" to it at any redlight to freak out the motorists in the next car.

One of my all-time favorite bands is Rush & I particularly love the song "Time Stands Still". Yes, you could take a few bong hits & find some really deep meaning here but in reality, most of this is utter nonsense. How can you explain this:

"I let my skin get too thin, I'd like to pause. No matter what I pretend like some pilgrim who learns to transcend." Pilgrims? Pilgrims? WTF?

Some of them are just too much to break down. I suppose they deserve a post unto themselves. Take "Perfect Strangers", the Deep Purple song that Dream Theater covers even better than the original.

"Can you remember my name as I flow through your life. A thousand oceans I have flown & cold spirits of ice. All my life I am the echo of your past. I am returning the echo of a point in time."

Now, I'm no physicist so maybe there's something to this "echo of a point in time stuff" but I hardly think it's likely. I'll be the first to admit that I don't always get things & sometimes have to be schooled by a knowledgable pal. For instance, I love Kiss but had no idea what a deuce was until Mr. Steph selflessly explained, noble fellow that he is. But in this case, I'm banking on the fact that someone just took a whole lot of acid in the 70's & turned a couple of trips into a huge hit.

Live is one of my favorite bands but their lyrics are often absurd. These guys play great music but, if the lyrics are any indication, they're all crazy as shithouse rats. Aaaah, what a lovely picture that conjures. Ever wonder where these classic sayings come from. I mean, why si a rat in a bathroom any crazier than other rats? Are all rats crazy? If so, what gives with the "shithouse" designation? But I digress, as usual.

Pretty much anything by The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana, AIC & STP could be posted here & you could do an entire blog on Billy Corigan's lyrics without ever running out of things to note. But we'll get to all of them in good time. Right now, I'm waiting for Tino Martino to send me something from Krokus, that'll probably kick off the next rock lyrics post. Send me submissions on your favorite crazy rock songs.

I Love Rock 'n Roll

2006-05-23T12:59:00.000-04:00

Actually I love all kinds of music, but rock 'n roll has a special place in my heart. If you could peer into my music collection, you'd see everything from old Sun Studios stuff to Lakota Sioux spirituals. If you name a genre, I probably have at least a few things that fall into that category. I'm a total music freak, there's nothing else I can say.

My homemade cd's drive my friends nuts, because my eclectic tastes annoy the hell out of them. Some people just can't bear a segue from say, Whitesnake to Maroon 5 or Misfits to Ghetto Boyz. I think that my Wilco/Ozzy/Mary J. Blige + others disc would easily be voted worst mix ever, (think Comic Book Guy) by most people. Although I have had a lot of complaints about my 80's dance/rat pack disc . . . .

Yes, I've seen fit to put Bob Marley on the same CD with ELO because there're a bunch of songs I'd like to hear on my way to the airport & I'll just throw them all on one disc. What's the big deal? Blank cd's cost like a nickel a piece. I can afford to make whatever kind of mix I want. A very vocal critic, Mr. Steph has an unhealthy preoccupation with trying to understand this mindset which is just a waste of his time.

He also likes to make fun of me for making labels because apparently my handicap (anal-retentiveness) is hilarious to the unafflicted. However, karma's on my side because Mr. I-don't-need-no-stinkin-labels gives his cd's names like "Google-Eyed Jerk" & "Me Like Cookies", which tell you nothing (except that he's kind of odd) so he never knows what's on them. Hah!

But I digress. My point is, there's all kinds of awesome music & it totally rules your life. Who among us doesn't sit in traffic or stand in line & think about what the soundtrack would be if this day in your life was a movie? Music totally affects your emotions as well. You can be in a glorious mood, humming & smiling at babies but if you get on a busy road with Metallica or GNR blaring, the onset of road rage is imminent. Likewise, there are songs you just can't hear without getting sad, happy, nostalgic, etc.

I was once at a great barbecue where the juice was flowing & things were really hoppin, then someone put on Coldplay. Sorry to all you fans out there, I know those guys are HUGE & they're ok, but that's just not party music. Unless it's some sort of depressed orgy of mass suicide.

The thing that seperates rock from all other music is the abject stupidity of the lyrics. You can get away with saying anything in a rock song & it does not have to make sense at all. Okay, satan's holy spawn Clearchannel will surely edit your lyrics but censorship notwithstanding, anything goes in rock 'n roll.

As a tribute to all of the great r-n-r out there, I'm going to break down some lyrics for you. This will be an ongoing thing & I've got quite the list of impressive prose to go through. Thanks to pghguy, I hope to be able to add some of the songs into future posts so you can hear the craziness for yourself. But the world can't wait for me to brush up on my technical skills so we'll just start out the old-fashioned way for now.

Of course, I need your input here. There are many hidden gems in this category & I can't possibly know them all. Send me your ridiculous rock songs & we'll analyze them here.

Do you have a dog?

2006-05-22T13:51:00.000-04:00

If not, now is a great time to get one. I can't tell you how much a dog adds to your life. But be forewarned: they are not cheap pets. If you don't like to spend your time or money, get a hamster. Dogs are fairly expensive to own but it's well-worth it if you have the resources.

If you didn't see the recent piece on KDKA, some of our local shelters are so overcrowded that they're turning dogs away. As a result, people are abandoning pets that were once very well cared-for members of the family.

Action for Animals in Latrobe is particularly overcrowded & cases of abandonment in that general area are rising as a result. The humane officers can't keep up & have taken to feeding abandoned pets at the vacant houses where they find them. There's simply nowhere to take them right now.

That's where we got Rocco & we hope to go back soon to get him a buddy. Rocco just turned 2 & we think he may be ready to share us now that he's a little more mature. But in the meantime, we try to visit as often as we can to take items to the shelter. They have a wish list posted on their website & will give you a receipt because all donations are tax deductable.

Not to neglect our feline friends, the shelter has cats that need homes also -- but not nearly as many cats as dogs, so this is where the dire need comes in. If Latrobe is too far out of your way, check the web for other local shelters. All of them have wish lists. And check back periodically because I'd like to organize some sort of donations drive. That way, people can give items without having to worry about driving them all the way to Latrobe. Hopefully, it will be soon & definitely before the end of the summer.

Dogs Eating Grass

2006-05-22T13:14:00.000-04:00

How do dogs know exactly what grass to eat to make themselves throw up? - Steve

I'm ashamed to say that I can't really answer this question. Everywhere I turn is contradictory information & nobody has ever actually studied this topic. But I can share some of the current theories & you can probably pick the one that makes the most sense for your dog.

The American Animal Hospital Association has an article posted in their library on this topic, but it's very short & not overly informative. It states that "no one has ever proven dogs are intelligent enough to use grass as a medicinal herb" so medical professionals tend to believe that they eat grass simply because they like the taste & vomit because they've eaten grass.

I think this is an ignorant statement -- just because no one has proven it (or even tried to prove it) doesn't mean it's not true. Look at Copernicus, for instance: He couldn't prove his theory but the Earth does in fact revolve around the sun. Five hundred years from now, dogs could be publishing scholarly critiques of these "primitive" AAHA articles, for all we know now.

One good thing in this otherwise unenlightened article is that it contains a link to a survey you can take to explain your dogs habits. The University of California Davis School of Veterinary Medicine is currently conducting the first-ever study of grass eating in dogs & would like your input. Please take a few minutes to take the survey, it doesn't take long.

Many experts feel that dogs enjoy the flavor & texture of grass so they eat it. Our dogs' wild relatives (foxes, wolves, coyotes) eat their entire kill, which means that they are ingesting the stomaches of herbivores & indirectly getting a bunch of roughage in their diet this way. Domestic dogs may have an inborn craving for grass because of this.

Some dogs only eat grass that other animals have "marked", in this way erasing everyone else's scent from the area. If this is your dog's reason, it explains the choosiness of the selection & the fact that someone else whizzed on it could explain the barfing.

Theories abound about a lack of specific nutrients in the diet but research just doesn't support it. Even healthy dogs with well-balanced diets eat grass. And some dogs with less than perfect diest never eat grass.

Vetinfo.com has some interesting details on this topic, but no more information than you've just read. I say, that's even more reason to participate in the study, as it may help us to someday understand this behavior.

Pet Health

2006-05-19T09:39:00.000-04:00

Hey there Steph - My mom has a ten and a half year old English Springer Spaniel. For several months now he has been losing his hair in patches and making his skin bleed. He was diagnoised with a thyroid condition. After being put on pills everyday, his condition has not changed. I've been telling my mom to seek another vet's opinion since nothing seems to be working. The new vet (hightly recommened) thinks it is Cushing's disease.

After doing a little research it definitely sounds like that is what my mom's dog has. All of the symptoms are there . . loss of the hair, drinking excessive water, having to pee a lot, pot-belly stomach, pants, loss of muscle. It would help out a lot if you could maybe do some more research for us on this disease. Not only for us, but it is important for other dog owners out there to be informed. Thanks bunches - Lisa

Cushing's Disease is when the adrenal gland produces too much corticosteroids. Some animals may be receiving prescription corticosteroids, so the new vet should fully evaluate any medications the dog is receiving regularly & stop certain treatments. In many cases, this can solve the problem. One very common medication that can cause this problem is prednisone.

If it's not due to medication, it's caused by a tumor in either the adrenal or pituitary gland. A simple blood panel can determine the hormone levels for a surefire diagnosis. Adrenal tumors can be removed by veterinary surgeons but pituitary tumors are usually not removed in animals.

There are drug treatments available for pituitary tumors but they need to be administered carefully. Basically, these treatments destroy part fo the gland so that the gland doesn't produce excess hormones. But if too much of the gland is destroyed, then you'll have the oposite problem of the gland not producing enough hormones which is just as much of a problem.

According to vetinfo.com the pituitary treatment won't cure the disease but it will ensure a better qaulity of life for your dog. The life-expectancy for a dog with Cushing's is about 2 years, but it's more of a guess than a statistic.

I hope that the vet can get to the bottom of the problem soon & start treatment. Please keep me updated on your dog's progress & let me know what's happening.

Banish Muffin Top

2006-05-19T08:35:00.000-04:00

I'm writing to you today to inquire how I can lose that lower belly bulge. Overall I'm happy with my body but I cannot seem to get rid of that excess. I recently started working out and have been trying to eat healthier but nothing seems to be targeting that area. Are there any excercises that I can do to effectively eliminate this? - Anonymous

This is tricky but the first response to this question is always to lose a few pounds. For most women, fat goes to the abdominal area first so if you're not too overweight, just losing a few pounds can solve the problem.

But if you're a healthy weight already, you may not be able to lose even a few pounds without becoming dangerously underweight. Unfortunately, even the slimmest ladies may still have a layer of fat along the abdomen & there's no healthy way to rid yourself of it. It's just nature. The 6-packs you see on men aren't really possible for healthy women to achieve because their bodies naturally store fat in different areas than ours.

In that case, toning the abs is the best thing. There are lots of excercises that can target the area & firm it up. Toning that region will probably solve the problem. If you're a healthy weight, chances are this is an area of your body with flabby muscle tone, not fat.

There are some links below to a few sites with dependable information. All of them will give you pointers on overall health. The WebMD article discusses genetic traits & explains how to determine the course of action that's probably best for you.

The articles on Redbook's site are great because they're designed for busy women & offer a variety of solutions to exercise problems, such as ways to boost your metabolism & how to substitute everyday chores for some of your cardio workout.

Of course, I saved the best for last. iVillage has a great library of ab toning, belly reducing exercises. Their diet & fitness section is immense. It offers information & workouts for general health as well as specific exercises to target any area of the body. There's nutrition & diet information, expert advice from real doctors, trainers & nutritionists & also a forum where you can find answers to specific questions.

Don't neglect the strength training in your workout, either. Lots of women concentrate solely on cardio & are unsatisfied with the results of their workout. You need to build strong muscles for a variety of reasons but just having toned muscle mass burns more calories. So simply having fit muscles means your body burns more calories without an increase in exercise, which is huge. You're getting a bit of a workout even when you're not working out & that alone is reason enough.

This should give you all the ammo you need to wage war on your belly & win. Let me know if it's useful for you & keep me posted on your progress. Good luck!

WebMD: Banish Your Belly

Redbook Diet & Fitness

iVillage Health

Severe Weather Alert!

2006-05-18T14:19:00.000-04:00

I've always been boggled by the weird preoccupation our local news stations have with weather. It's like they exist to give us a weather forecast & if they can squeeze in anything else, they'll mention something here or there about the war or bird flu or that gas is quickly reaching the price of platimum.

Weather used to be a small segment of the newscast. If there was a storm of some sort, they'd inform you that we'd be getting a storm, then they'd go back to reporting the news.

Today's news is obsessed with weather. If Youngstown is getting a light rain, WPXI will preempt the Olympics to do a "severe weather report". And frankly, their definition of severe & mine are vastly different.

Remember when Kennywood was hit by a mini tornado? That's probably the last storm we had that I would consider "severe". Everything else is just a thunderstorm & what's the big deal? It's not as though Pittsburgh is in the middle of tornado alley & they're doing some sort of public service that will save lives.

It's insulting to viewers' intelligence. Are we supposed to stay indoors lest we drown because -- without this dire warning -- perhaps we'd all be inclined to stand out in the gentle spring rain with our mouths open?

I suppose it would be funny if it didn't prevent us from getting news or watching primetime network programming. I wonder if other areas have the same problem or if it's unique to Pittsburgh. You know, there's that weird relationship between our own Sen. Rick Santorum & some odd for-profit companies that want to charge for weather information, so maybe it's just us.

It was a big deal not long ago because he wanted to stop the National Weather Service from just giving people weather reports, lest his supporters go out of business. If I started a company that sells something that's already available for free, would one of our most powerful US Senators have my back?

I may look into this. Think about it. There are all kinds of free things you could rip-off but how do you force suckers to pay for it? Maybe I could start a podcast that consisted of me listening to a local radio station & then playing whatever song they were playing. Only, Santorum would limit their radio signal thereby forcing many residents to subscribe to my "service" in order to continue listening to DVE.

Maybe he could force the local papers to charge $5.00 per daily paper. Then I could charge for blog subscriptions & summarize today's PG or Trib for you. You get the idea. It's worth consideration. Since your product is already available for free, your start-up costs are limited to lobbying costs. That means overhead is really low in comparison to starting an actual business the old-fashioned way (coming up with a good idea that people are willing to pay for).

Let's make this a blog for young entrepreneurs. I want to hear your ideas. Maybe we can make this work.

What's Wrong with It?

2006-05-18T13:23:00.000-04:00

At the risk of tantalizing you all with sophmoric humor, I have to vent. Most days, I just dump all the junk from my email without a care in the world. Other days, it really bothers me. When things are really slow in the office, I sometimes take a few minutes to forward all of my spam to one of the spammers.

One of the things that's always bothered me about spam is the high volume of penis enlargement offers. It pains me to think of all the careful, painstaking marketing effort going to waste when they send their offers to people like me (read: girls, who usually don't have a penis to enlarge). But what I'd like to know is: if I did have a penis, who's to say that there'd be something wrong with it? It's insulting.

Laughing is Good for You

2006-05-18T10:42:00.000-04:00

What are the funniest movies ever? Let's make a huge list for reference. Whenever I want to rent a movie, I stand in the middle of Blockbuster like an idiot because I can never remember what I wanted to see. I can rattle off tons of movies I love until I get to the store with my card in my hand. Then my mind goes completely blank.

To be honest, I'm a huge fan of the stupid-silly movies & I know that some of your probably prefer more intelligent humor. Dodgeball met & exceeded my expectations. ("Welcome to ESPN 8, The Ocho".) Anchorman is another one of my favorites ("What a beautiful rainbow. Do me on it!"). Not to ignore old faves, PCU is always good for a laugh & Animal House may well be the funniest movie ever ("Can I have ten thousand marbles, please?").

There are just so many & I feel completely put on the spot when it's time to choose. What are your favorites? Help me to expand my horizons.

Perverts

2006-05-18T09:48:00.000-04:00

The creepy payroll delivery guy just left. Luckily, I wasn't alone in the office today. The guys know he's skeevy so if someone's in my office when he arrives, they stick around & we pretend to be very busy.

There's something to be said about men who make inappropriate remarks at work. Obviously the woman is trapped so it's quite the desperate pick-up move. In a very social work environment this can be acceptable but for the occasional visitor to a very small office, it's a big no-no. Even more disturbing is when there's no pick-up attempt involved & it's just raunchy remarks or lame innuendo for the sake of . . . well, I'm not sure what the goal is there.

I used to get a lot of that from the mailman but luckily he retired. I was never sure if he was actually hitting on me or making fun of me, but either way I didn't appreciate it.

The Murphy's Law of Womanhood is "Only the freaks approach you". Most of the guys I've dated have been set-ups or I approached them. But the mutants are on me like white on rice. I must send out some sort of freak vibe that says "Hey, gentlemen, this lady loooves a handlebar mustache, poor dental hygeine & suspenders. And shoes with velcro are a real bonus, too."

For instance, the mailman had a handlebar mustache & was significantly older than my father. We also have an extremely hot delivery guy who comes in almost daily, is very friendly & never even comes close to flirting with me. Do you see the reason for my frustration here? I should take this opportunity to apologize to Mr. Steph (who's not a mutant at all & is in fact extremely hot himself): You now I love you dearly but I'm not blind. And I'm just making a point here. ("I'm just making a point here, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it." Today's trivia: name this hilarious movie & impress all 6 of my readers.)

The delivery guy may be married, gay, simply not attracted to me or he may be very professional in his work, choosing to hit on chicks on his own time. But my point is, nothing, nada, zip from the hottie yet bums routinely walk in off of the street to tell me I'm pretty & ask if I'm single.

It should still be flattering, I know, because who am I to judge, right? But I'm a judgemental bitch & even on a bad day, it's hard to appreciate.

Please share your stories about unwanted advances in the workplace. I may not be much help in deflecting them but we can have a good time discussing them.

Thought for the Day

2006-05-17T20:09:00.000-04:00

I feel kind of bad about the whiny list of pet peeves I posted recently. I'm supposed to be answering your questions & here I am pointing out annoying things that maybe you hadn't noticed before but, since they've been brought to your attention, will now bother the hell out of you. Yeah, you're welcome.

In an attempt to redeem myself, I've decided to share some of my tried & true solutions to annoying situations. I can't take credit for creating them all but can personally attest to their success.

When standing in a line, you find yourself being encroached upon by a "creeper". This is a misguided soul who believes that invading your personal space will somehow compel the high school girl at the register to stop flirting with the bag boy & actually ring up your groceries.

One thing that works well is a move I call The Igor. When you next step forward, use only one leg & leave the other foot in it's original place. Now one leg is sticking out from behind you & prevents the weirdo from getting thisclose.

Also fairly effortless, scratch a random part of your body really hard. If alone, scratch in a few different places. That usually makes people back up. If you're with a companion, this is a great opportunity to say "Wow, I can't BELIEVE how fast this rash is spreading. How about yours?"

Some people just can't take a hint & you really have to beat them over the head with it. I don't recommend this except in the most extreme cases & in very casual surroundings. If nothing else works, turn around, look the creeper straight in the eye & say, "I didn't take my medicine today & I feel stabby." It works every time!

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

2006-05-17T20:01:00.000-04:00

Some of SNL's most shining moments:

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Have a good laugh? If you enjoy these insightful musings, you can check out the entire collection of Deep Thoughts at www.cco.net/~jpete/deepthou.htm

You Don't Care, I know

2006-05-17T19:30:00.000-04:00

Nobody cares about politics, as evidenced by the approximately 23% voter turnout for yesterday's primary. While standing outside of the poll, I was actually approached by people who wanted to know what was on the ballot.

They made the effort to get into their cars, drive to the poll, park, seek out a stranger & ask -- just so they could conclude that it's not important to vote in a primary because it's not a real election. Then they got back into their cars (without ever setting foot inside the poll) & returned to the dank rocks under which they live. WTF?

Sorry, I know the net shorthand is lame but I can't bring myself to desecrate my blog with unnecessary gutter-mouth. You have to save the f-bomb for really important things & use it as an amplifier.

Need Advice

2006-05-17T13:59:00.000-04:00

Okay, ladies, this one's for you. I've just been christened maid of honor for my sister's upcoming wedding. Now, I've never been what you'd call a girly-girl & I don't know much about these things. Weddings, tea parties, any type of shower that doesn't involve water - I'm clueless.

I know I'm too old to have never been a bridesmaid but believe it, I haven't. My friends & I are somewhat eclectic so there have been lots of Vegas-type weddings & not a lot of tradition. I'm the oldest in my family out of all siblings, cousins, etc. so this is the first traditional wedding I've been a part of since I relinquished my flower girl duties at the age of 6.

A friend has suggested I purchase some book (MOH for Dummies, perhaps?). Do I need a book? The chances of me actually reading a work of non-fiction that doesn't feature foresnsics or serial killers is slim to none. Would this money be better spent toward the bachelorette party or is this the kind of undertaking for which I'll need a handbook? I want to be a really good MOH & make this very special for her . . . but needing a book just seems really dorky. Your thoughts please.

Hangover Remedies

2006-05-16T14:30:00.000-04:00

pghguy asks: What's the best way to combat a hangover?

What always works for me is a Wendy's #1 combo with a large Coke. Mr. Steph swears by Goodie's Headache Powder & a bloody mary, but I personally can't choke down Goodie's or juice made from vegetables (no matter how much liquor you add to it, it's still a vegetable) so I can't vouch for this personally. Avoid a hot shower when you wake up. Heat constricts the blood vessels in your head & amplifies the trolls jackhammering your brain.

I've found one way to (mostly) avoid hangovers. Every few drinks, have a big glass of water. If you're drinking A LOT, you'll need to drink a lot of water but if you're like me (wasted off of 6-8 beers) 2 glasses while binging will be enough.

After drinking take a couple of aspirin or ibuprofen & eat a meal. Have a sober pal hit a drive-thru or cart your drunk ass to a diner. If the possibility of a sober pal appearing with you in a public place other than the bar is unlikely, prepare something at home beforehand so that you can just heat it up & chow. Wash down your meal with cool water. You won't feel as good in the a.m. as you do when you get to sleep sober, but it will be damn close.

Don't ever take Tylenol when drinking or for a hangover. There's stuff in Tylenol that can cause liver failure if mixed with even a little alcohol. In fact, it's so dangerous with alcohol that if you drink regularly, don't even use the stuff. Stick with aspirin or ibuprofen. Hope this helps.

Have a favorite hangover remedy? Share it here!

Donald Duck for Congress?

2006-05-16T14:21:00.000-04:00

My disdain for politicians knows no party lines. I'm an equal-opportunity hater so party is of no matter to me. If you suck at your job, you should be fired.

One of my personal pet peeves is that Sen. Rick Santorum is still in office. Every time he opens his mouth something embarassingly stupid comes out & it casts a pallor of shame across our entire state.

That's why I was pleased to hear 3 different voters say that they voted against Santorum in today's primary. He's running unopposed so a vote against him is a write-in. Write-ins are a very cool way of letting your party know how extraordinarily disappointed you are in their endorsement & I'm a huge fan of the write-in, especially in the primary.

What's interesting about these 3 voters is that they all chose to write in Donald Duck. They didn't vote together & these 3 people claimed not to know one another & insisted that there is no organized campaign to write in Donald against Santorum. Why Donald? Couldn't get a real explanation from any of them except that it was the first thing that popped into their head. Interesting. If enough Republicans feel as strongly as these 3, Donald may win. Go Donald!

Idiots that Drive

2006-05-16T13:46:00.000-04:00

Michelle wanted to vent: "My pet peeve is when drivers fail to yield at a yield sign. Yield means to SLOW DOWN, YIELD to oncoming traffic."

Excellent point, Michelle. I wholeheartedly agree. People do lots of stupid things when they're driving. I've recently noticed an alarming trend - cars at stop signs don't pull out when the road is clear but instead wait until a car is coming & then pull out in front of it, unneccessarily cutting off some innocent driver. Has anybody else noticed this or am I crazy? (Perhaps both, but that's a whole different post.)

Each day I have to cross a very dangerous intersection multiple times. It sucks but the road I live on can only be accessed here, lest I drive about 7 miles out of my way to avoid it. It's really scary because traffic from one direction ignores a yield sign, traffic from another direction routinely ignores a stop sign & traffic from the 3rd direction is normally disrupted by people entering a road marked "exit only". I'm not a mousy driver, nor am I easily intimidated but at least once a week I get a serious scare at this intersection. It's been the site of numerous horrific accidents yet the police never patrol it.

What can we do about it? Probably nothing, unless you're a traffic cop & want to hang out there. I hesitate to make this accusation but I think that there are a lot of stupid people in the world & also a lot of lazy people in the world. They disregard the safety of others (as well as their own) & cause a lot of trouble. They also take their drivers license for granted.

I propose a controversial but rational solution: Every 4 years when you renew your license, you should have to take the written test again to refresh your knowledge of traffic laws. It shouldn't be hard to pass unless you're a moron. Even morons could just study for the test. You passed it once, right? So what's the big deal?

They could charge you an extra $20 to do it & that extra money could be used to fix the bridges that fall down all over the state. Okay, I work for a company that makes parts of bridges so I'm somewhat biased but as a driver, I'd like to know that some of my money goes to infrastructure. Use it to lessen the gas tax or something.

That averages out to $5 per year to drive & I'll bet that it would decrease accidents. Less accidents mean lower insurance premiums for drivers, less victimization of innocent motorists by idiots, less money spent on emergency personnel by government. Insurance companies require a drivers license to insure you so they could police it. They check your driving record, personal credit history & who knows what else every year so they will know if you let your license lapse. If you do, they will cancel your insurance & notify PennDOT, as well as whoever may be financing your vehicle.

They already do this when you cancel an insurance policy (say, if you change insurers) so it's not adding any extra work to the insurance company. There would have to be extra administrative steps involved simply because PennDOT would be required to revoke your registration if you let the license lapse but how hard is that? I think it's a great idea, what do you think?

VOTE!!!

2006-05-16T13:16:00.000-04:00

Today I stood out in the rain all morning to beg votes for a local candidate in the State Rep primary. Now, I've always hated those tools that stand there & ask you to vote for someone. I mean, I kind of already decided who I was voting for or I wouldn't be at the poll yet, duh.

Well, today I was one of those tools. I expected my own disdain to really come back to bite me on the ass today, but everyone was very nice. Even the people that refused my handout were polite. There were other folks there shilling for my candidate's opponents & you might think that would be sort of uncomfortable but it wasn't at all. Everyone was very friendly & we all stood around talking politics & generally being agreeable.

Mr. Steph was shilling for another candidate in a different district. His candidate warned volunteers that the opponent's been known to send union organizers to agitate at the polls. For me this would be entertaining & I was kind of wishing I'd volunteered in a slimier district. Mr. Steph was really looking forward to people trying to intimidate him, as ignoring people is one of his specialties. I can tell you from experience that being ignored is very irritating. He can really piss you off without saying a word & by simply doing nothing at all. It's like some sort of sick gift.

Bummer for him but nobody showed up from the opponents' camp at all. He was very bored. Except for the fact that he was snubbed by a bunch of nuns (would Jesus have ignored him? I think not, ladies) it was very uneventful. My poll had more traffic & some fellow volunteers to talk to so I wasn't really bored but it wasn't the most fun I ever had. Mostly, I watched a bunch of ducks playing in the puddles which was kind of cool. And I saw a huge hawk snatch a chipmunk. That hawk lives near me & I see him often so I've named him "Hawkie". Sometimes when I walk Rocco we disturb his hunting & he scares the hell out of us both, but I digress.

I was just glad that no one yelled at me the way they did when I made phone calls & circulated petitions for candidates. No matter what anyone says, never approach old ladies you don't know. They are very mean & like strange dogs, should be ignored unless there's a handler you can deal with directly.

It was an interesting experience & I'd probably do it again but I definitely won't make a habit out of it. If you care at all about your quality of life & the fact that politicians are making all kinds of uneducated decisions about your world, get involved. It only takes a few hours to help out a campaign, you can give as much or as little time or money as you like & you really do make a difference. Most importantly, it's for your own good.

Obscure Songs from Commercials

2006-05-16T13:10:00.000-04:00

Okay, have you seen the commercial for 7UP or one of those kinds of caffienated drinks with Jimmy Fallon and the girl that may or may not be Parker Posey dancing down the street all crazy to that crazy song? Then he throws her in the air, and she doesn't come back?! I WANT that crazy song, can you find out what it is for me? - Heather

My pleasure, Heather. The song is called Streamline & it's by Newton, who I've never heard of before. According to the buzz, go to LimeWire (one of my bibles) and search for it by title & artist or search under the title Pepsi Combustion. I haven't tried it yet myself but that site has always come through for me.

Incidentally, I got into this weird habit thanks to a snippet of a crazy dance song from a Dentine Ice commercial a few years ago & have become something of an expert at it. Keep 'em coming!

Reasons not to work

2006-05-15T13:37:00.000-04:00

As if you needed any more, but here goes.

Need to appear busy at the office while you're actually wasting time? Then don't visit these sites because it will be really obvious that you're just screwing off.

www.chucknorrisfacts.com For the fan or the uninitiated alike, this site is full of interesting psuedo-facts such as, "Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world & punch himself in the back of the head."

www.mulletsgalore.com Excellent tribute to the mullet, a Pittsburgh favorite. The thing that makes this site so fantastic is that strangers are taking pictures of unsuspecting mullets then posting them on the internet & making up stories about these people. It's awesome.

There are 10 classifications of mullets & countless interesting facts here. All mullets are rated on mulletude & aggressiveness, then lists the mullet's favorite bands & hobbies. Each profile is summed up with recommendations on where these mullets can be sighted. I'm going to move on now because if I have to type mullet one more time, I'll have to punch myself.

www.thesimpsons.com If you like a challenge, visit the Simpsons website to play great games. The challenging part of this isn't the games themselves, it's finding them. I'll give you a hint, there are at least 3 that I can find.

www.bobandtom.com Since Pittsburgh's last decent radio station was conquered by Satan (there's just no other viable explanation for the BOB FM format), mornings at work are even more pathetic & depressing. Listen to the Bob & Tom Show on your computer. The jokes are funny, the gags aren't stale & the endless parade of guest comedians can't be topped. On any given show you may hear Rodney Carrington, Tim Wilson, Ron White, Haywood Banks, Brian Regan or any one of a slew of other hilarious people that regularly visit.

Now get back to work!

Pet Peeves

2006-05-15T09:25:00.000-04:00

I need to vent. The world gets on my nerves a lot of the time. There are so many stupid people in the world & somehow I come into contact with a lot of them on a regular basis. Here is a list of my personal pet peeves. Of course, this is fluid & will change whenever someone pisses me off.

1. People who stand too close in a line (like breathing on my neck will speed things up? Not likely, but it could get you an "accidental" kick in the shin).

2. People who take mean dogs to the dog park. If your dog bites people, don't come here. Duh.

3. Noisy neighbors. (Now accepting suggestions for creative vengeance. Please submit.)

4. People who can't tell jokes but try anyway (No, wait, ummm the priest said that, not the rabbi).

5. When you go to the zoo & want to pet the kangaroos but they all just lie there looking strung- out. What the hell do they do to these kangaroos & is it legal?

6. When you add considerable time to your morning commute by visiting a local fast-food restaurant for a fountain coke & it's watered down. I mean, is cola syrup that expensive that McDonalds is forced to hoard it?

7. When you want a milkshake but the milkshake machine is broken.

8. Christian rap.

9. The guy that delivers our company payroll & attempts to make innuendo out of the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile on my computer. Wrong on so many levels I can't even begin . . .

10. Reality television.

11. Paris Hilton. If I'd known you could get rich & famous by being a questionably attractive drunk, I may have made some different choices in life.

12. That I never win the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes even though I get all of my magazine subscriptions through them just in case it's real.

13. The fact that nobody with any authority over my student loans speaks English.

14. When you're trying to do something & see a HUGE spider on the wall but by the time you get a shoe it's gone & you have no idea where it is & can't relax in your own home because surely a spider that large has to be some sort of dangerous mutant.

15. The gay story line on The Sopranos. I don't have a problem with it but don't waste the limited, valuable time of this once-awesome show with lame soap opera crap. When I wait 2 years to see a gangster series finally resume, leave that shit to Bravo & show me some serious ass-kicking action. If I want to watch anybody making out, there are other channels I can subscribe to besides HBO. I watch HBO because I want to see gangsters doing "some serious gangster shit".

If you can name the character & the movie this quote is from, you win a prize. It's a stupid prize that will probably disapoint you, so don't go to any trouble but there is a prize.

What are your pet peeves? Get them off of your chest & share them with the world here.

Non-Controversy

2006-05-14T10:12:00.000-04:00

In an attempt to do some "investigative reporting", I've recently contacted a controversial group with a request to join. They've ignored me. I can't tell you how annoying that has been for me.

With all this talk about border problems & illegal immigrant rallies, I couldn't help but notice that the nation is sharply divided over the group The Minutemen (or at least the people who have heard of them are sharply divided).

It's a sort of vigilante group that's taken it upon themselves to reinforce our borders. I can respect that. Crazy vigilante groups have always held a fascination for me. Someday, I'll delve into this more deeply with an ode to Batman, greatest superhero ever. But I digress.

There is definitely a need for tighter border security in our country, as evidenced by the fact that large groups of criminals are organizing rallies around the country. But the fact that "security", as it is, is being left up to Bubba & Cletus Everyman is just as disturbing.

In an attempt to do our civic duty of investigating this buzzed-about movement, Mr. Steph & I went to The Minuteman website & filled out a form stating that we wanted to start a chapter here. Never got a response. Huge bummer, no acknowledgement whatsoever. I know that Pittsburgh isn't exactly a hotbed of illegal immigration. Hell, most of the people born here flee at some point in their lives. But you'd think a truly fanatical movement would appreciate the need for prevention & embrace proactive attempts.

So I'm left to wonder what all the fuss is about. Apparently this group is less fanatic than their critics would have you believe. It makes me wonder exactly how they're protecting our borders & why naysayers make such a big deal out of it. My mental images of drunken hillbillies brandishing automatic weapons has forever been tarnished. In it's place, there are equally frightening images of somewhat liberal rednecks offering the scofflaws baloney sandwiches & casually driving them back to the other side of some unseen line in a new Gator, with a stern admonishment "not to try that again".

I don't know what to think. It's disapointing when one's stereotypes are called into question and it truly shakes one's foundations, I'll tell you what.

In celebration of the wholly American redneck way of life, don't forget to set the DVR for tonight's episode of King of the Hill. It's a special 200th episode celebration.

Ms. Know-It-All

2006-05-13T13:33:00.000-04:00

Why did you decide to answer everyone's questions? - Anonymous comment

That's a good question. Everyone tells me that I'm a real know-it-all & since my friends & family don't seem to embrace my meddling, I thought maybe others would.

Seriously though, I'm not here to offer professional calibur advice. Mostly I pride myself on knowing lots of trivial things & being able to find the answers to trivial things. I have a real knack for hunting down obscure songs from weird commercials, if you haven't read my first-ever post.

There are a lot of self-serving reasons, too. I put together a very cool website not long ago but don't have the time to update it regularly & a blog is much easier. My greatest achievement is that I am a font of useless knowledge & it's my only real talent. I'm a so-so artist, can't carry a tune in a bucket, dance like Elaine from Seinfeld & I've been in college off & on for more than 10 years without ever getting a degree. But people tell me that I have an entertaining writing style so I thought maybe I could contribute to the world by finding answers to people's questions.

Science Question

2006-05-13T13:18:00.000-04:00

Why can i hear a television when it's on, even when there is nothing coming out of the speakers?

Well, Anonymous, I hate to be the one to break this to you but the electromagnetic waves from your television set are apparently interacting with the government-implanted chip in your brain. The only way to prevent them from reading your thoughts at all times it to cover all of your windows with aluminum foil & make yourself a helmet out of it as well.

Seriously, though, your television is a mechanical device. There are moving parts working inside of it. Even though they are very quiet, there are things running in there & they make a noise. I'm no mechanical engineer so I can't be more specific but that is the reason that you can hear you're TV even when the sound of the programming is muted.

Dating in Pittsburgh (or the lack thereof)

2006-05-13T12:04:00.000-04:00

Hi Steph,

WHERE are all the women in Pittsburgh? They're obviously hiding somewhere . . . and I'm not talking about the kind of girls that go to the dance clubs and listen to that jungle rap music and grind themselves all over some sweaty black guy, nor am I talking about the girl that you take out on ONE date and then the next day she calls you 46 times and asks why you haven't called her already and says she's been sitting at home all night crying because you haven't called yet . . . I'm talking about a real, nice, sweet, NORMAL white girl . . .

Also, and since I noticed that you're 32, this kind helps since you have the proper perspective . . . How do I approach a woman in her 30s or early 40s? Thanks. - Sick of dating in Pittsburgh.

You know, I had to do some serious research into this one. Sadly, I work full-time & go to school in the evenings so I have a very limited social life. Luckily, I have a lot of friends (even if they do rag on me for always having to study on Friday nights or having an 8 am class every Saturday - and you know who you are), so I was able to canvas people with real social lives for some input.

The overwhelming response was to stay away from the clubs. I know it goes against every dating rule we've ever known but that's what they're telling me. It actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it. Clubs & bars are very noisy places so it's not as though you can have any kind of meaningful conversation. And by meaningful, I'm not talking about the meaning of life, either. Meaningful in the sense that you can make out every word the person says.

Most of the people I spoke with have met their their significant others in one of three ways: Through their job/work, friends or a hobby. If your social circle is small, stagnant or just plain boring you're not going to meet anyone there. And your work isn't going to offer a lot of opportunities unless you deal with many people in your job. So hobbies seem to be the real key here. Making friends as an adult may be the one thing more difficult than dating. How do you make new friends without seeming like a loser, gay, etc. short of pretending you just moved here?

There are countless opportunities out there for people who want to meet people & make friends. Take a class at one of the zillion schools in Pittsburgh (all of them offer non-credit opportunities as well as college courses). There are classes in art, wine, writing, computer stuff & just about anything you can name through various organizations & community groups. Join a dart, softball, flag football, ultimate or pinball league. Right now, I'm helping my sister plan her wedding & she met her future husband bowling. I met Mr. Steph through some friends that were just sure we'd hit it off. We both fought like champs & managed to avoid "the fix-up" for months but we've been inseperable since our first date.

I don't recommend letting people fix you up willy-nilly with anyone who's single. It's guaranteed to disapoint all around. If your friend just has to fix up everyone because she thinks it's her life's calling or the coworker old enough to be your mom tries to get every guy under 40 to give her niece "a chance", just say no. But if you have a wide social circle, fix-ups are unavaoidable & worth it. At the very least you'll meet a nice woman that may not be right for but could have a friend that is.

In the meantime, you'll make new friends & have a good time. You'll go places you may not have gone otherwise & your mere presence in the right place at the right time is all that it takes. A guy shooting pool or playing ball with a group of friends is attractive & approachable. Just ask my sister. She has a beautiful smile, a contagious laugh & it caught the eye of a cute guy across the bowling alley. The rest is history.

Dear Steph,

Do you have any suggestions as to why I might be afraid to get close to someone? It's been over a year since my last real relationship and I know I'm over her. I've met some very nice people since but just not sure why I haven't been able to get attached to anyone. - pghguy

There are many possible reasons & it could even be a combination of reasons. The most likely reason is that you haven't met the right woman yet. Just because someone is nice or fun or pretty doesn't mean you'll want to be with her. Just because there isn't anything wrong with her doesn't mean she's right for you. The world is full of nice people, fun people, intelligent people whose company is enjoyable. But it takes more than that to form an attachment to someone.

Speaking from experience, I myself have never found a datable man when I was looking for one. Often you find someone when the timing is horrible because you've got so much to juggle right now that getting to know someone & building a relationship is the last thing you have time & energy for. Many people I've talked to feel that this is sort of the Murphy's Law of the dating world & I have to agree that it's always held true for me.

I've read that just wanting a relationship can give off vibes of desperation -- even if a person isn't desperate, it can be noticeable on some level to the opposite sex, even very subtly. That can turn people off to you. So the dating law may have some truth to it. When you aren't looking for an attachment, one finds you.

The best thing to do is to not question yourself or doubt your feelings. You can't make yourself interested in someone if the spark isn't there. Trying to force it will only disapoint you & possibly hurt her if she's getting attached to you. Just be sure that you've given these women a chance & gotten to know them well enough that you'd feel it if it's there. If you're sure you've given these opportunities a chance & still feel nothing, don't sweat it.

In the meantime, be social & active. The more fun you have, the more attractive you'll be to those around you & the more people you'll get to know. Eventually, one of those pals will be the woman you can't help but get attached to.

Have dating suggestions for Pittsburgh's singles? Send 'em in! And check out pghguy's cool blog, A Pittsburgh Guy's Blog, for more insight.

For the Guys . . .

2006-05-13T11:02:00.000-04:00

I've been getting some kinda personal questions from our male readers. I'm going to sweetly assume that these are real questions & not just a lame attempt to make a strange woman think about your naughty bits. Nothing is off limits here so don't be afraid to ask. If your question is too crass I may not post it but that doesn't mean I won't answer it. Even if it seems like a joke, it will probably make the site because I have a great sense of humor & like to be a clown. Which brings me to my first guy query . . .

Why are my balls itchy? - Jerry Itchynuts

Jerry, hygeine is a very important part of life. The initial concern that comes to mind is: are you washing properly? If the answer is yes, then you need to make sure to use a very mild soap, so as not to irritate delicate skin. I suggest using something like Johnson's Baby soap but if you don't want to smell like a girl, try lathering your hands & washing off your sensitive parts, rather than rubbing the bar of soap directly on your boys.

The other possibilities are: you're not rinsing off the soap completely or you just aren't drying off totally. Dampness can lead to problems so make sure you dry off completely & if there's still a problem you may want to use a jock-itch cream or spray to clear it up for good, then follow the above instructions to keep it from recurring. And make sure you're shaking off well after each whiz. Urine drying on the scrotum is most likely an irritant. Hope this helps.

I've found that being alone, I often pleasure myself up to 4 times a day. Do you think this is a bit excessive? Oh, and I'm thinking of getting a wax job. Any comments from the female perspective on this? - Single guy in Pittsburgh

I have to say, that does seem a little excessive. Are you sure you don't have OCD? It seems to me that if you're doing it 4 times a day, maybe you should save up your horniness for 1 really good one. You'd save time & potential johnson wear & tear. I'm thinking that one really good one would hold you & make 3 more sessions unnecessary. But that's just a guess.

The second part of your question makes me wonder if the first part could be a result of you looking like a sasquatch. But you've had relationships before so I'm guessing you're no hairier than any other guy. I'm totally against male waxing but I could be in the minority here. Frankly, I'm turned off by guys who feel the need to wax, get manis/pedis, spend a day at the spa or use any kind of department-store-bought designer skin creams.

Many of my friends agree that we don't want our men to be as feminine as we are. However, if you read trashy ladies mags like Cosmo, the reader polls claim that women like their men hairless as babies & fashionably metrosexual. But these polls also reveal that most readers who vote in their polls are total skanks that sleep with their guy's friends when he travels on business, lie to potential suitors to steal their friends' crushes & make out with other girls in bars to get free drinks. So I guess it all depends on what you want to attract.

I hate to tell you to wear your fur with pride & stop getting your nails buffed, because maybe that's what a lot of women want in a man. But at the same time, I don't see a need to go through it. Men are supposed to have hair on their bodies. It's what makes them different from women & the differences are what attract us to men in the first place, right? Otherwise we'd all be lesbians & enjoy free drinks for life.

The bottom line is what kind of image you want to project to the world. I see a waxee as a high-maintenance guy that spends too much time looking in the mirror & agonizing over himself. I get enough of that from myself & my girl friends so I don't want to have to deal with it from my man. But many people view it as a perfectly acceptable or even necessary habit & who am I to say they're shallow & nitpicky?

If you insist on doing it, ask your doctor for some painkillers. It's excruciating, gawdawful pain but alcohol will just make you bleed even more. No professional is going to let you bleed all over them or their equipment so a respectable place won't wax ya if you're tanked. By the way, same goes for tattoo parlors but getting inked is a walk in the park in comparison.

Help Homeless Animals

2006-05-12T14:22:00.000-04:00

Visit the Animal Rescue Site & click on the icon to feed animals. It's free to you, it only takes a few seconds & sponsors donate .06 bowls of food for every click.

They even have a simple form that you can use to email the link to your friends. Register on their site & they'll email you a daily reminder to click. They do not share your email address with anyone - I've been a member for years & don't get any spam from it at all.

Live Wolf Cams

2006-05-12T14:15:00.000-04:00

If you love animals, then visit the International Wolf Center's live wolf cams.

Much of the time the wolves are just snoozin' on a warm rock in the sun or shade. But if you catch them when they're frisky, it's a lot of fun to watch them play.

Mafia Nickname Generator

2006-05-12T14:04:00.000-04:00

Do you love The Sopranos, Goodfells, Casino & The Godfather trilogy? Then I have a website for you. Go to the mafia name generator site & get your very own personalized mob nickname.

I was a little disapointed in mine (The Umpire, what the hell is that?). Some of my friends got really cool ones, like Steve "The Executioner" and Rege "The Ox". However, they were more fortunate than others.

My beloved companion, Rocco the bossy dog, will forever be branded "The Self-Toucher" in the world of organized crime. While not entirely inaccurate, it hardly seems fair.

Rapid Fire Session

2006-05-12T09:04:00.000-04:00

Hi Steph,

Saw your post for help on Craigslist. So, here's few questions:

I wear glasses on some days, and my contacts on other days. Why does it seem like every time I wear my glasses, it rains, causing water droplets to get all over my glasses?!

What is your take on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

What is the time after time? (haha) Thanks! - Heather Frazier

Hi Heather. My, you're an inquisitive lady but thanks for the vote of confidence, I'll do my best.

Now the glasses & rain thing has always been a personal pet peeve of mine. If you hate wearing glasses (like me) rain is the ultimate indignity. I truly believe that it's the work of higher powers bullying us mere mortals.

When I was a small & inquisitive child adults used to give me half-assed explanations for everything, such as thunder is the sound of angels bowling. I suppose that warped me because I'm now pretty sure that some being(s) in the sky make it rain when I wear my glasses just to yank my chain. It's the mystical equivalent of a wedgie.

The TomKat thing is just plain creepy & I welcome the opportunity to give the world my 2 cents. I'm particularly creeped out by young women that want to do guys old enough to be their dad or grandpa. It's just icky.

There a lots of hot older guys & I enjoy them they way I enjoy a great painting or a mustang GT -- plain old eye candy. It's awesome to look at but I don't particularly have to have it. Just because hot older guys exist doesn't mean you have to do them. I mean, mountains are really fantastic & I'm awed by the wonders of nature but I'm never going to climb one.

That said, the gossip rags are rife with claims that the pregnancy was fake, the pregnant woman was a Katie lookalike & all kinds of other strange theories. The fake pregnancy idea holds some water (no pun intended) because the only part of her that changed was her belly. I mean, pregnant women usually appear to have various physical changes (larger breasts, swollen ankles, a hint of weight gain in their faces, etc.) but not "Katie".

Personally I believe she's either been brainwashed or was paid a lot of money to go through this charade. I'm sure it has something sinister to do with Scientology & the fact that Cruise seems to be a complete nutcase. No, she hasn't done anything since Dawson's Creek wrapped but who wants a career as a freak show exhibit? Not the best way to stay famous.

The 'time after time thing' is quite the riddle, isn't it? Nope. This is just one of those phrases coined by some college kid with a huge bong that fancies himself a philosopher. When time ends, there will no longer be time. Yeah, you could go all Stephen Hawking or Socrates about it & construct some complex theory that will never be tested but you probably have a life so why bother? Things like this are only interesting to discuss: 1. if there is pot involved & you're under 21 or 2. the argument offers the opportunity to annoy someone that takes themself way too seriously.

Visit Heather's really cool blog, Slightly Dramatic, to check out the interesting stuff she has to say. As always, feel free to weigh in on any topic. Keep the questions coming!

All About Ticks (yay!)

2006-05-11T19:07:00.000-04:00

Hi Steph,

My boyfriend and I have found 2 ticks on our dog this week. Can people get ticks, and if so, how? Thanks! - Heather

Heather, you have come to the right place. Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of my first tick experience & it was a doozy. I learned all about them firsthand so here goes:

Yes, people can get ticks & they can give you Lyme Disease, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and other debilitating illnesses. You can get a tick by walking through tall grass, bushes, etc. Animals are much more likely to get them than people because ticks like to get into their fur. And if you find one tick on your dog, there are probably a lot more you can't see.

I came home from a trip to Gettysburg & found 2 ticks on myself (eek!). I thought that Rocco was protected because I put Frontline on him every month but I bought tick shampoo & washed him just to be safe & a ton of ticks fell off of my poor dog. Turns out that Frontline is just for fleas & I should have been using Frontline Plus.

Generally, we don't have a big tick population in Western PA so you don't have to be overly concerned with them. But we do have deer ticks, which can carry Lyme Disease (destroys your nervous system). And if you travel just a wee bit outside of W PA, the risk of a tick bite increases greatly.

One of the quickest ways to get a tick is to go to Erie. I know it sounds odd but they're quite prevelant there. A day on the beach, a bike ride or a nature walk around Lake Erie (especially Presque Isle) is risky if you're not protected. (They have other types in addition to the deer tick, too.)

The eastern side of our lovely state, Southern NY & parts of West Virginia also have large tick populations (mostly deer ticks). Lyme Disease is mainly a problem in the north-eastern US but other parts of the country have ticks that give you other diseases.

If you find a tick remove it with tweezers & take it to your vet to be analyzed. If it's not infected with anything, then no big deal but if it is, you & your dog need antibiotics to keep from getting sick.

Because Rocco has very thick fur, there were a lot of ticks on him. I sprayed my house & the interior of my Jeep with flea & tick spray then took all clothes & luggage from the trip to the laundromat. Over a 2 week period, I found about 5 more, usually around Rocco's bed or places he laid. So just to be safe, I bug-bombed the house.

Hartz makes a great line of flea & tick items. The bombs are pet/child safe & you only have to leave the house for about 2 hours (one hour while it's going off, then come back to open all the windows & let it air out for another hour). Yes, you do have to wash all of your dishes afterward but it doesn't smell up the place or stain anything so you don't have to worry about your furniture or clothes. And there was the added bonus that I didn't have a spider in here for almost 6 months. (I get big, scary spiders in here a lot & the bug bomb was so simple that I'm actually considering another blast . . .)

To protect against Lyme Disease, Rocco receives a vaccination every 6 months because we spend a lot of time in high-risk areas.

I got really stern lectures from my vet, my doctor & the nurses in his office about protecting myself in the future. You should take your pup for the shot. It's cheap (maybe $15) and it protects against a very serious disease. Frontline Plus once a month will kill anything on your dog & protects against fleas, ticks & mosquitos which is great because your dog can also get sick from mosquito bites. According to multiple vets & groomers, it's the best product on the market.

If you need a good vet, try Penn Animal Hospital in the Strip. They have evenings, weekend & also walk-in hours, so you can always get in to see a doctor. They're great & very knowledgable (trust me, we go there a lot).

You don't have to be worried all of the time about ticks but if you do encounter them, you have to be very thorough to make sure you completely exterminate them. The best protection for you is protecting your pets because they are at much greater risk than you are & will bring them into your home & vehicle. Use the Frontline Plus & you can take your dog everywhere with you & never have to worry.

I hope this information helps. Let me know how things turn out with the situation.

Interesting Fact About: Your Spleen

2006-05-11T13:44:00.000-04:00

You know how your mom always said don't go swimming for an hour after eating or you'll get cramps & drown? Some of you probably thought it was a myth but some of you may actually abide by that rule. What you probably don't know is that you should avoid all strenuous exercise for about an hour after eating.

Since I avoid strenuous exercise as a general rule of thumb, this doesn't affect me much but I think the reason behind it is interesting enough to share. It seems that your spleen is responsible for storing up extra blood for emergencies. If you're ever bleeding severely, the spleen contracts to release the extra blood, helping you to survive longer.

When you're digesting food, a lot of the blood in the body goes to the digestive tract to assist in processing your meal, which can take up to an hour. During exercise your muscles require a lot more blood than usual. Since much of it's elsewhere when you're digesting food, your body perceives this as a shortage & may initiate the spleen to release it's blood reserve.

Spleen contractions are extremely painful cramps, according to people who have experienced them so do your best to avoid them!

Interesting Fact About: Pit Vipers

2006-05-10T14:18:00.000-04:00

Did you know that some of our most popular prescription medication has been synthesized from snake venom? If you take an ACE Inhibitor for high blood pressure, thank a cobra.

If bitten by a pit viper, the venom will eventually suppress your cardiovascular system. While studying the effects of snake bites, scientists discovered that a component of the venom inhibits production of a chemical called renin. Renin is produced by your kidneys & makes your body increase your blood pressure.

Modern medicine has been able to synthesize the stuff from the venom & turn it into a safe, effective prescription drug to help people control a destructive & potentially deadly condition.

Nature is so cool.