Horror of horrors!

I recently had the most traumatizing experience! In fact, it was over a week ago but I'm only now able to discuss it in any detail.

My sister is getting married in July & I'm the maid of honor. Until now, I have successfully managed to avoid being in a wedding party since my few appearances as flower girl. So this whole bridesmaid dress thing has never been a part of my life, for which I'm truly grateful & consider myself quite lucky.

Like the crappy boyfriend that breaks up with you before a holiday to avoid giving you presents, I've always managed to distance myself from friends with impending nuptials so as not to have to be a part of the circus. Of course, I didn't really like those people much anyway so it was no big deal. I am rather fond of my sister, however, so that simply wasn't an option.

I'm happy for my sister & honored to be a part of her special day -- but eternally thankful that she wants to be in charge of everything, which means all I've got to do is plan a shower, buy the dress & show up at the church. Not a bad deal at all.

I think people make too big a deal out of their weddings & horribly inconvenience everyone around them. How many times have you had to pick up the slack for coworkers who spend all their time planning and/or talking about their wedding instead of doing actual work?

And how many times have you been invited to the wedding of someone you barely know or don't even like? I always think to myself, "Gee, I'd never invite you so why are you inviting me?"

Not to mention the seemingly normal friends & acquaintances who morph into weird wedding zombies, incapable of discussing anything else.

Most people do get married so a wedding is not a rare event. It's not like you're getting a Nobel Prize or something, you're doing something that people do everyday.

Thus my philosophy is that nobody cares about your wedding except for you, me included. The only wedding I've ever had any interest in is my own. I think that's the way it is for most people, but it's simply not socially acceptable to admit it.

So I'm happy to be a part of something that's important to my sister but relieved that it won't unfairly burden me by robbing me of time better spent. I skip off to get my dress but then the horror begins.

We have a noon appointment but we can't get down to business until my sister models her dress/veil/tiara for everyone. Ok, that's cool, we sufficiently oooh & ahhh, everyone touches the dress & we're ready to move on. And we're waiting but she's still posing in front of the full wall mirror in her dress. Still posing, still posing. Finally my mom has to tell her to get this show on the road.

In the meantime, people are walking in off of the street without appointments & the salespeople are swarming them. Why not? We're a sure thing because my sister has already chosen our dresses and we have to buy them here. But these people are fresh blood.

So we all stand around making small talk & being graciously patient while being completely ignored. For about an hour. But as we hit the 90 minute mark, tempers begin to flare. The salespeople simply can't be bothered to honor our appointment when they have new marks to woo so they just make their way around us like we don't exist.

Finally the seamstress comes out to measure us so I think things are going to move along. Nope. After measuring each one of us, we have to individually choose our dress size from the chart based on the measurements.

After choosing my size, I assume I can pay for my dress and leave. Nope. The seamstress can't generate invoices so we have to wait for a salesperson. The friendly seamstress yells across the store three times to a saleslady, telling her we need our invoices so that we can get going.

The saleslady just keeps ignoring us & rushing up to people as they walk through the door. I march toward the saleslady in question but the look in my eye must have been hot because someone slips the organza belt out of my hand as I approach her.

"Excuse me. We really need to get our invoices, please."

"Well, let me just measure these girls and help that lady & I'll get them for you."

"Well, we've been here for more than two hours & those people just walked in. They can wait."

She looked at me in shock & horror. Mission accomplished, or so I thought.

"I'll be right with you." She rushes over to the newcomers & begins browsing the dresses with the group, so I just decide to follow her around until she gets uncomfortable.

When she breaks away from the group for a moment, I swoop in for the attack. "Excuse me but our appointment was for noon & we still haven't had the privilege of dealing with anyone in sales. Can we get this show on the road? Some of these women have to drive back to Florida & Virginia today."

A woman is approaching from the newcomer group but I shoot her a look & she just keeps walking. When we finally get called over for our invoices, she painstakingly types slower than anyone I have ever seen. I get mine first & am free, finally. But it breaks my heart to leave the others there & I later find out that it took another hour for the miserable woman to generate 6 more invoices!

Hopefully, I'll pick my dress up in November & never have to set foot inside that hellhole again, since I'm having alterations done elsewhere. God willing, I will never have to speak of this again.

Plan J for Judgement

Now that the emergency contraception pill has been approved for OTC sales, there are a lot of laments from opponents. It’s outrageous, it’s depraved, it’ll hasten the end of the world. I’m tired of the whining & just want everyone to look at this issue rationally.

To hear these people talk, you’d think the government just mandated a glory hole in every American bathroom.

I wager that many women regularly engaging in irresponsible sex will be too lazy or stupid to use this pill. Let’s be honest, getting pregnant is the least of your worries if you’re having unprotected sex. If you don’t care enough to prevent your own untimely death, thus refuse to run out to the pharmacy for a box of condoms, why would you get off of your skanky ass to go buy this pill at the same pharmacy?

The women using this pill will most likely be rape victims & sexually responsible women who’ve had accidents. Really.

Purchasing this pill is the equivalent of buying many other forms of contraception. It’s not any easier to come by, cheaper to purchase or simpler to use than condoms, sponges, spermicides & the like. So the women buying it will most likely be the same women that already go into these same stores to purchase contraceptive devices.

It’s unbelievable that in the 21st century we’re still treating American women as second class citizens. I’ve never heard a single “moralist” decry Viagra. But look at it logically: if a man has to take a pill to get an erection, he’s got a short window of time in which to act on it. (Apparently less than 4 hours).

In his heightened sexual frenzy, is he going to take the time to responsibly use contraception as well as protection against disease? Any guy on this stuff is an A-1 candidate for irresponsible sexual activity. Yet I’ve never heard a single moralist question the responsibility of this drug or its users.

There was no protest at Viagra’s approval. No one was crying that it would lead to debauchery, the collapse of American society, etc.

So the message here is that men are sexually responsible simply because they are male. Men are supposed to “do it”. Frequently & proudly, even when nature has clearly mandated that they stop.

Thus, any device that leads to an increase in male sexual activity is unquestionably acceptable. Women are not given the same benefit of the doubt by any stretch of the imagination, nor are they given the same respect by society’s moral champions.

To those people I have but one question: If it’s ok for men to have sex but it’s not ok for women to have sex, just who should these men be banging?