MySpace Blows

One of my best friends moved to LA recently & decided to put a profile on MySpace because she hasn't had a lot of opportunities to meet cool people. I thought that my space was a children's site but what do I know?

Well, Lisa wants me to sign up as one of her friends & no matter what I do, MySpace will not let me register. I know it's not me, their site just sucks. I'm no techno-wizard but I can manage a halfway decent blog & I used to have a very cool website so I'm completely capable of registering myself for MySpace. (or not, because I'm still not registered. Who am I kidding?)

In fact, my tech skills are nothing to scoff at: I once helped a freind create elaborate profiles on a few personals sites in order for her to trap & humiliate her sleazy cheating husband. By the way, it worked really well & when it was over, I almost felt sorry for the guy she got him so good. But I didn't because cheating is a huge no-no in my book.

If you want to play the field & get around, just break it off with your significant other. Cheating is selfish at the least because obviously you know you have a good thing or else you'd dump him/her before stepping out, right?

What are the other possible motivations? You're a dog & don't care if you spread disease. Honesty & integrity are meaningless to you. Your tiny ego is so small that you simply have to manufacture ways to inflate it. Or, worst of all, you get off on making fools out of people that trust in you.

There are no good points to it. What's brought this on, you may wonder? No, it's not anything Mr. Steph did (because he knows his life would be worthless if he crossed me, [maniacal, mad-scientists-type laugh]) These thoughts are courtesy of a recent bitch-fest among a group of pals. It began with one of us running in to an ex last week.

Aaaahhh, good old ex-bashing. I was always one of those people who remained friendly with my exes & couldn't imagine bad-mouthing any of those guys for any reason.

Until I dated a world-class prick, then suddenly I developed the habit of wanting to punch anyone that said anything nice about him. I'm not normally a violent person, but the mere thought of this guy brings about the worst in me.

Jackass (names have been changed to prevent me from experiencing further shame) was quite possibly the most narcissistic person in the world. He was convinced that every woman wanted him & every man wanted to be him. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Among his other lame qualities, he had a band & made it his life's mission, even though they sucked. He insisted on writing all of their songs, being the only guitar player & using the band entirely as a means of self-promotion.

By this I mean, the band was named after him, their website is named after him & all promotional items regarding the band had his picture on them, conveniently omitting other members.

In the unusual event the band ever had a gig, he didn't even feel the need to ensure the other members were available to play. He believed them to be inconsequential to the whole thing because the important thing was that he was there.

In hindsight, it's a good thing he was such a dickless bitch because if he'd had balls, the combination of self-importance & complete delusion is the kind of stuff that usually creates serial killers.

I knew he was a loser but I'm a really nice person (really). At the time I was young & not nearly as assertive as I am now. It quickly evolved into a pity relationship. Then the bomb dropped: He was using my computer (he was too cheap to buy his own) to post online personals. He was having lengthy conversations via email, chat, etc. on my dime & was so technologically illiterate that he didn't have a clue how to hide it from me. I wasn't even looking, just found it by accident.

The worst part about it wasn't that being a nice person let a total dweeb walk all over me. No, the worst part about it was that not everyone he buddied up to was a chick. He had a thing for very young-looking Asian trannies, bordering on kiddie porn. Eeeeew on so many levels, I can't even put it into words.

Even after I broke it off, we remained friends for a while because I still felt a deep pity. I hadn't yet realized that you can be a bitch when it's warranted & still be a nice young lady. Now I'm older & wiser so I know these things.

It's a doozy, but luckily it's my only crappy boyfriend story which I realize makes me incredibly lucky considering some fo the horror stories my friends tell. My best dating horror story came from a night when I ran into an old friend from high school at a bar. He'd graduated a few years ahead of me & lost touch with a lot of old friends when he went away to college.

All night, I had been deflecting the advances of a persistant character named "Scooter" & thought he'd finally left me alone. As I was chatting with my friend, I didn't notice Scooter skulking around the perimeter of the table. Imagine my horror the next day when I received a call from Scooter, who had slimily eavesdropped & written down my unlisted phone number as I gave it to my friend!

My stories are pretty tame compared to most of those shared. One woman had been exclusively dating her man for almost 5 years when he expressed interest in asking out a coworker. She was flabbergasted & before she could even gather herself enough to speak, he said, "Well, it's not like we're married or really together, right?" FIVE YEARS.

One guy had been dumped by his fiance because she wanted to date more guys before settling down. Imagine his horror (pun intended) when she called him 6 months later out of the blue & asked him for his brother's number!

Most of the stories were about cheating & some of them were secondhand, such as the wife who left her husband & their 3 young kids for her tennis instructor. I thought that only happened on soap operas. I mean, who even has a tennis instructor?

I guess what kept me thinking about this topic was an article I read yesterday about a new book coming out. You know the crazy teacher that went to jail for screwing her 14 year old student? No, not that one, the blond chick that just recently got busted. Her ex-husband has a book coming out & the things he has to say are very strange.

There are seemingly endless stories about how to kill a relationship & uneccessarily hurt people who love you. Some of them are sad but most of them are hilarious once the victim has moved on. Send me stories to post here. Use of real names & details is solely at your discretion. Maybe you'd just like to vent or maybe you hope that this blog will catch on like bird flu & everyone will see the slimeball's story. Send em in!

Thursday Blues

Oooooh, it's Thursday. That means a visit from the creepy payroll guy is imminent. And no one is in the office today to help me look busy. My back-up is to pick up the phone when I hear someone at the door & hit time & temperature on speed-dial. Then I pretend to be engaged in animated conversation. It's actually a lot of fun to manufacture fake conversations & I enjoy having the opportunity now & then.

This weather is kind of depressing. I'm not getting enough vitamin D, I guess. Life has been very boring this week. I haven't seen or heard much of interest to write about. I have a new favorite blog to share. If you haven't visited Overheard in Pittsburgh, do it now. It's one of the funniest things you will ever see. The stuff they find to post here is great & will have you in stitches.

Now that we're both avid readers, Mr. Steph & I are wondering if snippets of our own conversation will someday grace their posts. In discussing the hilarity of OIP, we realized how strange some conversations must sound if a passerby were to hear just a snatch. Yesterday for instance, I had occasion to say something along the lines of, "Well I'd much rather have squid juice on my noodles than know that Crab-Gobblers' drool is all over the plate I'm eating from."

He pointed out that if someone had overheard that, it likely sounded sexual & extraordinarily perverted. But nothing could be further from the truth. We were discussing the horrifying news that a local Chinese buffet has received multiple health code violations. Among them, inspectors found that some foods were not stored properly & there was a risk of cross contamination because bowls of rice & noodles were left in such a position that juice from squid & shellfish may have dripped into the carbs. Another violation was that the dishawasher has no sanitizer! Eeeeew!! Perhaps most disturbing of all is that they caught employees touching food with bare hands, but the employees hadn't washed their hands before touching it.

The details were vague & that doesn't sit well with me. I mean, maybe someone wiped off the counter & didn't wash their hands after handling the rag. Kind of gross, but unlikely to make the diners ill. Or maybe someone swept the floor & didn't wash their hands after touching the dust pan. Kind of icky, but again, not a very high-risk situation. But it could mean just about anything. Maybe the employees don't wash their hands after they use the bathroom or maybe they caught a cook scratching his ass then touching that chicken. Who knows?

It hardly matters because we stopped eating there a long time ago, with good reason. The last time we visited this particular buffet, there was a couple sitting nearby that ate like cavemen. Normally, this can be easily ignored, especially because they were actually behind me so it's not as though I had to look at them. But in this case, the noises they made were loud & horrifying. These 2 people did not simply "eat", they attacked the food. And the food in question was crab legs.

They piled so many crab legs onto their plates that they couldn't get back to their table without losing some. I've never witnessed anything like it but they had to hold the food onto the plates, it was piled so high. Other diners were crossing the restaraunt to get a glimpse of the freaks & even the employees were coming out of the kitchen to see the show.

They ate like monsters, ripping the legs apart, crab meat flying. It sounded like something from animal planet & I expected to turn & see grizzlies eating a seal or something along those lines. The noises were really strange & very loud. Mr. Steph lost his appetite because the only way he could avoid seeing this freakshow was to hunch over his meal like a dog & who wants to eat like that? It was like a car crash & you just couldn't help but to look.

We called them the Crab-Gobblers & still crack up about it even though it was at least a year ago. Thanfully, we were already eating by the time they arrived so I don't have to live with the concern that I've eaten from the same unsanitized plates.

So that may be the kind of thing that inspires the fantastic quotes on Overheard. But it's great not to have an explanation & to simply revel in the hilarity. Share your own crazy dining experiences here. We can all use a good laugh on a yucky day like today.

I'm a Dinosaur

The other day at the bank it was very quiet then suddenly blaring techno music came out of nowhere & I turned to see a woman who was about 150 years old answering her cell phone. I looked at the teller & said, "Wow! That tune is very Night at the Roxbury" & we both giggled.

What gave me pause was that I overheard Mother Time on her phone call & she was talking about having sent & received some pictures on her phone. That threw me because I am officially the last person in the nation that just has a regular cellphone which does not take pictures.

It's just not a big deal to me. I'm just not a chat-on-the-phone type of girl & anyone who knows me knows the liklihood of calling my cell & it ringing is slim to none. I never turn it on. Some months I look at the bill & see I haven't made or received a single call. So why upgrade to something fancier? It's just one more thing I'll eventually drop in the toilet or out of a moving Jeep & have to replace, right?

Maybe not. I may actually need a picture-taking cellhone & you'll never guess why. Over the past few weeks, I've noticed I keep seeing people that look like cartoon characters. Now, hear me out, I'm not completely insane. I was at a drive-thru the other morning (awaiting my first precious fountain coke of the day) & the guy in front of me looked exactly like the Sea Captain from the Simpsons. I swear to God.

Last time I went to the mall, I saw a kid in Spencers that looked exactly like Speed Racer. Today I sat in traffic & noticed that the woman in the car behind me looked just like "Carol" from SNL -- you know, when Horatio Sanz dresses up like that white trash chick.

If I could get pics of these people, I could start my own Mullets Galore-esque website to post them & bring the world hours of enjoyment. Guess I have to go out & get a new phone. Maybe I should buy one of those Nextel's made for contractors that are wrapped in a thick layer of waterproof rubber . . .

Ronnie James Dio, what are you ON?

A quintessential example of the ridiculous lyrics, Dio should receive some sort of trophy for his contributions. His music will frequently be showcased here. Don't get me wrong, I love the music but the words? Come on now. Check this out: For starters, what exactly is a "Holy Diver"? Does anyone even know? Is it a real thing? I think maybe he just wrote down words & then picked any word that rhymed with the first.

"Ride the tiger. You can see his stripes but you know he's clean. Oh, don't you see what I mean?" Well, no actually I don't.

"Between the velvet lies, there's a truth as hard as steel. The vision never dies. Life's a never ending wheel."

Huh? None of it makes any sense at all. But if you can prevent the logical portion of your brain from making you giggle, it's an awesome tune. Turn it up & "jam" to it at any redlight to freak out the motorists in the next car.

One of my all-time favorite bands is Rush & I particularly love the song "Time Stands Still". Yes, you could take a few bong hits & find some really deep meaning here but in reality, most of this is utter nonsense. How can you explain this:

"I let my skin get too thin, I'd like to pause. No matter what I pretend like some pilgrim who learns to transcend." Pilgrims? Pilgrims? WTF?

Some of them are just too much to break down. I suppose they deserve a post unto themselves. Take "Perfect Strangers", the Deep Purple song that Dream Theater covers even better than the original.

"Can you remember my name as I flow through your life. A thousand oceans I have flown & cold spirits of ice. All my life I am the echo of your past. I am returning the echo of a point in time."

Now, I'm no physicist so maybe there's something to this "echo of a point in time stuff" but I hardly think it's likely. I'll be the first to admit that I don't always get things & sometimes have to be schooled by a knowledgable pal. For instance, I love Kiss but had no idea what a deuce was until Mr. Steph selflessly explained, noble fellow that he is. But in this case, I'm banking on the fact that someone just took a whole lot of acid in the 70's & turned a couple of trips into a huge hit.

Live is one of my favorite bands but their lyrics are often absurd. These guys play great music but, if the lyrics are any indication, they're all crazy as shithouse rats. Aaaah, what a lovely picture that conjures. Ever wonder where these classic sayings come from. I mean, why si a rat in a bathroom any crazier than other rats? Are all rats crazy? If so, what gives with the "shithouse" designation? But I digress, as usual.

Pretty much anything by The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana, AIC & STP could be posted here & you could do an entire blog on Billy Corigan's lyrics without ever running out of things to note. But we'll get to all of them in good time. Right now, I'm waiting for Tino Martino to send me something from Krokus, that'll probably kick off the next rock lyrics post. Send me submissions on your favorite crazy rock songs.

I Love Rock 'n Roll

Actually I love all kinds of music, but rock 'n roll has a special place in my heart. If you could peer into my music collection, you'd see everything from old Sun Studios stuff to Lakota Sioux spirituals. If you name a genre, I probably have at least a few things that fall into that category. I'm a total music freak, there's nothing else I can say.

My homemade cd's drive my friends nuts, because my eclectic tastes annoy the hell out of them. Some people just can't bear a segue from say, Whitesnake to Maroon 5 or Misfits to Ghetto Boyz. I think that my Wilco/Ozzy/Mary J. Blige + others disc would easily be voted worst mix ever, (think Comic Book Guy) by most people. Although I have had a lot of complaints about my 80's dance/rat pack disc . . . .

Yes, I've seen fit to put Bob Marley on the same CD with ELO because there're a bunch of songs I'd like to hear on my way to the airport & I'll just throw them all on one disc. What's the big deal? Blank cd's cost like a nickel a piece. I can afford to make whatever kind of mix I want. A very vocal critic, Mr. Steph has an unhealthy preoccupation with trying to understand this mindset which is just a waste of his time.

He also likes to make fun of me for making labels because apparently my handicap (anal-retentiveness) is hilarious to the unafflicted. However, karma's on my side because Mr. I-don't-need-no-stinkin-labels gives his cd's names like "Google-Eyed Jerk" & "Me Like Cookies", which tell you nothing (except that he's kind of odd) so he never knows what's on them. Hah!

But I digress. My point is, there's all kinds of awesome music & it totally rules your life. Who among us doesn't sit in traffic or stand in line & think about what the soundtrack would be if this day in your life was a movie? Music totally affects your emotions as well. You can be in a glorious mood, humming & smiling at babies but if you get on a busy road with Metallica or GNR blaring, the onset of road rage is imminent. Likewise, there are songs you just can't hear without getting sad, happy, nostalgic, etc.

I was once at a great barbecue where the juice was flowing & things were really hoppin, then someone put on Coldplay. Sorry to all you fans out there, I know those guys are HUGE & they're ok, but that's just not party music. Unless it's some sort of depressed orgy of mass suicide.

The thing that seperates rock from all other music is the abject stupidity of the lyrics. You can get away with saying anything in a rock song & it does not have to make sense at all. Okay, satan's holy spawn Clearchannel will surely edit your lyrics but censorship notwithstanding, anything goes in rock 'n roll.

As a tribute to all of the great r-n-r out there, I'm going to break down some lyrics for you. This will be an ongoing thing & I've got quite the list of impressive prose to go through. Thanks to pghguy, I hope to be able to add some of the songs into future posts so you can hear the craziness for yourself. But the world can't wait for me to brush up on my technical skills so we'll just start out the old-fashioned way for now.

Of course, I need your input here. There are many hidden gems in this category & I can't possibly know them all. Send me your ridiculous rock songs & we'll analyze them here.

Do you have a dog?

If not, now is a great time to get one. I can't tell you how much a dog adds to your life. But be forewarned: they are not cheap pets. If you don't like to spend your time or money, get a hamster. Dogs are fairly expensive to own but it's well-worth it if you have the resources.

If you didn't see the recent piece on KDKA, some of our local shelters are so overcrowded that they're turning dogs away. As a result, people are abandoning pets that were once very well cared-for members of the family.

Action for Animals in Latrobe is particularly overcrowded & cases of abandonment in that general area are rising as a result. The humane officers can't keep up & have taken to feeding abandoned pets at the vacant houses where they find them. There's simply nowhere to take them right now.

That's where we got Rocco & we hope to go back soon to get him a buddy. Rocco just turned 2 & we think he may be ready to share us now that he's a little more mature. But in the meantime, we try to visit as often as we can to take items to the shelter. They have a wish list posted on their website & will give you a receipt because all donations are tax deductable.

Not to neglect our feline friends, the shelter has cats that need homes also -- but not nearly as many cats as dogs, so this is where the dire need comes in. If Latrobe is too far out of your way, check the web for other local shelters. All of them have wish lists. And check back periodically because I'd like to organize some sort of donations drive. That way, people can give items without having to worry about driving them all the way to Latrobe. Hopefully, it will be soon & definitely before the end of the summer.

Dogs Eating Grass

How do dogs know exactly what grass to eat to make themselves throw up? - Steve


I'm ashamed to say that I can't really answer this question. Everywhere I turn is contradictory information & nobody has ever actually studied this topic. But I can share some of the current theories & you can probably pick the one that makes the most sense for your dog.

The American Animal Hospital Association has an article posted in their library on this topic, but it's very short & not overly informative. It states that "no one has ever proven dogs are intelligent enough to use grass as a medicinal herb" so medical professionals tend to believe that they eat grass simply because they like the taste & vomit because they've eaten grass.

I think this is an ignorant statement -- just because no one has proven it (or even tried to prove it) doesn't mean it's not true. Look at Copernicus, for instance: He couldn't prove his theory but the Earth does in fact revolve around the sun. Five hundred years from now, dogs could be publishing scholarly critiques of these "primitive" AAHA articles, for all we know now.

One good thing in this otherwise unenlightened article is that it contains a link to a survey you can take to explain your dogs habits. The University of California Davis School of Veterinary Medicine is currently conducting the first-ever study of grass eating in dogs & would like your input. Please take a few minutes to take the survey, it doesn't take long.

Many experts feel that dogs enjoy the flavor & texture of grass so they eat it. Our dogs' wild relatives (foxes, wolves, coyotes) eat their entire kill, which means that they are ingesting the stomaches of herbivores & indirectly getting a bunch of roughage in their diet this way. Domestic dogs may have an inborn craving for grass because of this.

Some dogs only eat grass that other animals have "marked", in this way erasing everyone else's scent from the area. If this is your dog's reason, it explains the choosiness of the selection & the fact that someone else whizzed on it could explain the barfing.

Theories abound about a lack of specific nutrients in the diet but research just doesn't support it. Even healthy dogs with well-balanced diets eat grass. And some dogs with less than perfect diest never eat grass.

Vetinfo.com has some interesting details on this topic, but no more information than you've just read. I say, that's even more reason to participate in the study, as it may help us to someday understand this behavior.

Pet Health

Hey there Steph - My mom has a ten and a half year old English Springer Spaniel. For several months now he has been losing his hair in patches and making his skin bleed. He was diagnoised with a thyroid condition. After being put on pills everyday, his condition has not changed. I've been telling my mom to seek another vet's opinion since nothing seems to be working. The new vet (hightly recommened) thinks it is Cushing's disease.

After doing a little research it definitely sounds like that is what my mom's dog has. All of the symptoms are there . . loss of the hair, drinking excessive water, having to pee a lot, pot-belly stomach, pants, loss of muscle. It would help out a lot if you could maybe do some more research for us on this disease. Not only for us, but it is important for other dog owners out there to be informed. Thanks bunches - Lisa

Cushing's Disease is when the adrenal gland produces too much corticosteroids. Some animals may be receiving prescription corticosteroids, so the new vet should fully evaluate any medications the dog is receiving regularly & stop certain treatments. In many cases, this can solve the problem. One very common medication that can cause this problem is prednisone.

If it's not due to medication, it's caused by a tumor in either the adrenal or pituitary gland. A simple blood panel can determine the hormone levels for a surefire diagnosis. Adrenal tumors can be removed by veterinary surgeons but pituitary tumors are usually not removed in animals.

There are drug treatments available for pituitary tumors but they need to be administered carefully. Basically, these treatments destroy part fo the gland so that the gland doesn't produce excess hormones. But if too much of the gland is destroyed, then you'll have the oposite problem of the gland not producing enough hormones which is just as much of a problem.

According to vetinfo.com the pituitary treatment won't cure the disease but it will ensure a better qaulity of life for your dog. The life-expectancy for a dog with Cushing's is about 2 years, but it's more of a guess than a statistic.

I hope that the vet can get to the bottom of the problem soon & start treatment. Please keep me updated on your dog's progress & let me know what's happening.

Banish Muffin Top

I'm writing to you today to inquire how I can lose that lower belly bulge. Overall I'm happy with my body but I cannot seem to get rid of that excess. I recently started working out and have been trying to eat healthier but nothing seems to be targeting that area. Are there any excercises that I can do to effectively eliminate this? - Anonymous

This is tricky but the first response to this question is always to lose a few pounds. For most women, fat goes to the abdominal area first so if you're not too overweight, just losing a few pounds can solve the problem.

But if you're a healthy weight already, you may not be able to lose even a few pounds without becoming dangerously underweight. Unfortunately, even the slimmest ladies may still have a layer of fat along the abdomen & there's no healthy way to rid yourself of it. It's just nature. The 6-packs you see on men aren't really possible for healthy women to achieve because their bodies naturally store fat in different areas than ours.

In that case, toning the abs is the best thing. There are lots of excercises that can target the area & firm it up. Toning that region will probably solve the problem. If you're a healthy weight, chances are this is an area of your body with flabby muscle tone, not fat.

There are some links below to a few sites with dependable information. All of them will give you pointers on overall health. The WebMD article discusses genetic traits & explains how to determine the course of action that's probably best for you.

The articles on Redbook's site are great because they're designed for busy women & offer a variety of solutions to exercise problems, such as ways to boost your metabolism & how to substitute everyday chores for some of your cardio workout.

Of course, I saved the best for last. iVillage has a great library of ab toning, belly reducing exercises. Their diet & fitness section is immense. It offers information & workouts for general health as well as specific exercises to target any area of the body. There's nutrition & diet information, expert advice from real doctors, trainers & nutritionists & also a forum where you can find answers to specific questions.

Don't neglect the strength training in your workout, either. Lots of women concentrate solely on cardio & are unsatisfied with the results of their workout. You need to build strong muscles for a variety of reasons but just having toned muscle mass burns more calories. So simply having fit muscles means your body burns more calories without an increase in exercise, which is huge. You're getting a bit of a workout even when you're not working out & that alone is reason enough.

This should give you all the ammo you need to wage war on your belly & win. Let me know if it's useful for you & keep me posted on your progress. Good luck!


WebMD: Banish Your Belly

Redbook Diet & Fitness

iVillage Health

Severe Weather Alert!

I've always been boggled by the weird preoccupation our local news stations have with weather. It's like they exist to give us a weather forecast & if they can squeeze in anything else, they'll mention something here or there about the war or bird flu or that gas is quickly reaching the price of platimum.

Weather used to be a small segment of the newscast. If there was a storm of some sort, they'd inform you that we'd be getting a storm, then they'd go back to reporting the news.

Today's news is obsessed with weather. If Youngstown is getting a light rain, WPXI will preempt the Olympics to do a "severe weather report". And frankly, their definition of severe & mine are vastly different.

Remember when Kennywood was hit by a mini tornado? That's probably the last storm we had that I would consider "severe". Everything else is just a thunderstorm & what's the big deal? It's not as though Pittsburgh is in the middle of tornado alley & they're doing some sort of public service that will save lives.

It's insulting to viewers' intelligence. Are we supposed to stay indoors lest we drown because -- without this dire warning -- perhaps we'd all be inclined to stand out in the gentle spring rain with our mouths open?

I suppose it would be funny if it didn't prevent us from getting news or watching primetime network programming. I wonder if other areas have the same problem or if it's unique to Pittsburgh. You know, there's that weird relationship between our own Sen. Rick Santorum & some odd for-profit companies that want to charge for weather information, so maybe it's just us.

It was a big deal not long ago because he wanted to stop the National Weather Service from just giving people weather reports, lest his supporters go out of business. If I started a company that sells something that's already available for free, would one of our most powerful US Senators have my back?

I may look into this. Think about it. There are all kinds of free things you could rip-off but how do you force suckers to pay for it? Maybe I could start a podcast that consisted of me listening to a local radio station & then playing whatever song they were playing. Only, Santorum would limit their radio signal thereby forcing many residents to subscribe to my "service" in order to continue listening to DVE.

Maybe he could force the local papers to charge $5.00 per daily paper. Then I could charge for blog subscriptions & summarize today's PG or Trib for you. You get the idea. It's worth consideration. Since your product is already available for free, your start-up costs are limited to lobbying costs. That means overhead is really low in comparison to starting an actual business the old-fashioned way (coming up with a good idea that people are willing to pay for).

Let's make this a blog for young entrepreneurs. I want to hear your ideas. Maybe we can make this work.

What's Wrong with It?

At the risk of tantalizing you all with sophmoric humor, I have to vent. Most days, I just dump all the junk from my email without a care in the world. Other days, it really bothers me. When things are really slow in the office, I sometimes take a few minutes to forward all of my spam to one of the spammers.

One of the things that's always bothered me about spam is the high volume of penis enlargement offers. It pains me to think of all the careful, painstaking marketing effort going to waste when they send their offers to people like me (read: girls, who usually don't have a penis to enlarge). But what I'd like to know is: if I did have a penis, who's to say that there'd be something wrong with it? It's insulting.

Laughing is Good for You

What are the funniest movies ever? Let's make a huge list for reference. Whenever I want to rent a movie, I stand in the middle of Blockbuster like an idiot because I can never remember what I wanted to see. I can rattle off tons of movies I love until I get to the store with my card in my hand. Then my mind goes completely blank.

To be honest, I'm a huge fan of the stupid-silly movies & I know that some of your probably prefer more intelligent humor. Dodgeball met & exceeded my expectations. ("Welcome to ESPN 8, The Ocho".) Anchorman is another one of my favorites ("What a beautiful rainbow. Do me on it!"). Not to ignore old faves, PCU is always good for a laugh & Animal House may well be the funniest movie ever ("Can I have ten thousand marbles, please?").

There are just so many & I feel completely put on the spot when it's time to choose. What are your favorites? Help me to expand my horizons.

Perverts

The creepy payroll delivery guy just left. Luckily, I wasn't alone in the office today. The guys know he's skeevy so if someone's in my office when he arrives, they stick around & we pretend to be very busy.

There's something to be said about men who make inappropriate remarks at work. Obviously the woman is trapped so it's quite the desperate pick-up move. In a very social work environment this can be acceptable but for the occasional visitor to a very small office, it's a big no-no. Even more disturbing is when there's no pick-up attempt involved & it's just raunchy remarks or lame innuendo for the sake of . . . well, I'm not sure what the goal is there.

I used to get a lot of that from the mailman but luckily he retired. I was never sure if he was actually hitting on me or making fun of me, but either way I didn't appreciate it.

The Murphy's Law of Womanhood is "Only the freaks approach you". Most of the guys I've dated have been set-ups or I approached them. But the mutants are on me like white on rice. I must send out some sort of freak vibe that says "Hey, gentlemen, this lady loooves a handlebar mustache, poor dental hygeine & suspenders. And shoes with velcro are a real bonus, too."

For instance, the mailman had a handlebar mustache & was significantly older than my father. We also have an extremely hot delivery guy who comes in almost daily, is very friendly & never even comes close to flirting with me. Do you see the reason for my frustration here? I should take this opportunity to apologize to Mr. Steph (who's not a mutant at all & is in fact extremely hot himself): You now I love you dearly but I'm not blind. And I'm just making a point here. ("I'm just making a point here, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it." Today's trivia: name this hilarious movie & impress all 6 of my readers.)

The delivery guy may be married, gay, simply not attracted to me or he may be very professional in his work, choosing to hit on chicks on his own time. But my point is, nothing, nada, zip from the hottie yet bums routinely walk in off of the street to tell me I'm pretty & ask if I'm single.

It should still be flattering, I know, because who am I to judge, right? But I'm a judgemental bitch & even on a bad day, it's hard to appreciate.

Please share your stories about unwanted advances in the workplace. I may not be much help in deflecting them but we can have a good time discussing them.

Thought for the Day

I feel kind of bad about the whiny list of pet peeves I posted recently. I'm supposed to be answering your questions & here I am pointing out annoying things that maybe you hadn't noticed before but, since they've been brought to your attention, will now bother the hell out of you. Yeah, you're welcome.

In an attempt to redeem myself, I've decided to share some of my tried & true solutions to annoying situations. I can't take credit for creating them all but can personally attest to their success.

When standing in a line, you find yourself being encroached upon by a "creeper". This is a misguided soul who believes that invading your personal space will somehow compel the high school girl at the register to stop flirting with the bag boy & actually ring up your groceries.

One thing that works well is a move I call The Igor. When you next step forward, use only one leg & leave the other foot in it's original place. Now one leg is sticking out from behind you & prevents the weirdo from getting thisclose.

Also fairly effortless, scratch a random part of your body really hard. If alone, scratch in a few different places. That usually makes people back up. If you're with a companion, this is a great opportunity to say "Wow, I can't BELIEVE how fast this rash is spreading. How about yours?"

Some people just can't take a hint & you really have to beat them over the head with it. I don't recommend this except in the most extreme cases & in very casual surroundings. If nothing else works, turn around, look the creeper straight in the eye & say, "I didn't take my medicine today & I feel stabby." It works every time!

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Some of SNL's most shining moments:

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.


Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.


What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.


To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.


As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!


Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.


Have a good laugh? If you enjoy these insightful musings, you can check out the entire collection of Deep Thoughts at www.cco.net/~jpete/deepthou.htm

You Don't Care, I know

Nobody cares about politics, as evidenced by the approximately 23% voter turnout for yesterday's primary. While standing outside of the poll, I was actually approached by people who wanted to know what was on the ballot.

They made the effort to get into their cars, drive to the poll, park, seek out a stranger & ask -- just so they could conclude that it's not important to vote in a primary because it's not a real election. Then they got back into their cars (without ever setting foot inside the poll) & returned to the dank rocks under which they live. WTF?

Sorry, I know the net shorthand is lame but I can't bring myself to desecrate my blog with unnecessary gutter-mouth. You have to save the f-bomb for really important things & use it as an amplifier.

Need Advice

Okay, ladies, this one's for you. I've just been christened maid of honor for my sister's upcoming wedding. Now, I've never been what you'd call a girly-girl & I don't know much about these things. Weddings, tea parties, any type of shower that doesn't involve water - I'm clueless.

I know I'm too old to have never been a bridesmaid but believe it, I haven't. My friends & I are somewhat eclectic so there have been lots of Vegas-type weddings & not a lot of tradition. I'm the oldest in my family out of all siblings, cousins, etc. so this is the first traditional wedding I've been a part of since I relinquished my flower girl duties at the age of 6.

A friend has suggested I purchase some book (MOH for Dummies, perhaps?). Do I need a book? The chances of me actually reading a work of non-fiction that doesn't feature foresnsics or serial killers is slim to none. Would this money be better spent toward the bachelorette party or is this the kind of undertaking for which I'll need a handbook? I want to be a really good MOH & make this very special for her . . . but needing a book just seems really dorky. Your thoughts please.

Hangover Remedies

pghguy asks: What's the best way to combat a hangover?

What always works for me is a Wendy's #1 combo with a large Coke. Mr. Steph swears by Goodie's Headache Powder & a bloody mary, but I personally can't choke down Goodie's or juice made from vegetables (no matter how much liquor you add to it, it's still a vegetable) so I can't vouch for this personally. Avoid a hot shower when you wake up. Heat constricts the blood vessels in your head & amplifies the trolls jackhammering your brain.

I've found one way to (mostly) avoid hangovers. Every few drinks, have a big glass of water. If you're drinking A LOT, you'll need to drink a lot of water but if you're like me (wasted off of 6-8 beers) 2 glasses while binging will be enough.

After drinking take a couple of aspirin or ibuprofen & eat a meal. Have a sober pal hit a drive-thru or cart your drunk ass to a diner. If the possibility of a sober pal appearing with you in a public place other than the bar is unlikely, prepare something at home beforehand so that you can just heat it up & chow. Wash down your meal with cool water. You won't feel as good in the a.m. as you do when you get to sleep sober, but it will be damn close.

Don't ever take Tylenol when drinking or for a hangover. There's stuff in Tylenol that can cause liver failure if mixed with even a little alcohol. In fact, it's so dangerous with alcohol that if you drink regularly, don't even use the stuff. Stick with aspirin or ibuprofen. Hope this helps.

Have a favorite hangover remedy? Share it here!

Donald Duck for Congress?

My disdain for politicians knows no party lines. I'm an equal-opportunity hater so party is of no matter to me. If you suck at your job, you should be fired.

One of my personal pet peeves is that Sen. Rick Santorum is still in office. Every time he opens his mouth something embarassingly stupid comes out & it casts a pallor of shame across our entire state.

That's why I was pleased to hear 3 different voters say that they voted against Santorum in today's primary. He's running unopposed so a vote against him is a write-in. Write-ins are a very cool way of letting your party know how extraordinarily disappointed you are in their endorsement & I'm a huge fan of the write-in, especially in the primary.

What's interesting about these 3 voters is that they all chose to write in Donald Duck. They didn't vote together & these 3 people claimed not to know one another & insisted that there is no organized campaign to write in Donald against Santorum. Why Donald? Couldn't get a real explanation from any of them except that it was the first thing that popped into their head. Interesting. If enough Republicans feel as strongly as these 3, Donald may win. Go Donald!

Idiots that Drive

Michelle wanted to vent: "My pet peeve is when drivers fail to yield at a yield sign. Yield means to SLOW DOWN, YIELD to oncoming traffic."

Excellent point, Michelle. I wholeheartedly agree. People do lots of stupid things when they're driving. I've recently noticed an alarming trend - cars at stop signs don't pull out when the road is clear but instead wait until a car is coming & then pull out in front of it, unneccessarily cutting off some innocent driver. Has anybody else noticed this or am I crazy? (Perhaps both, but that's a whole different post.)

Each day I have to cross a very dangerous intersection multiple times. It sucks but the road I live on can only be accessed here, lest I drive about 7 miles out of my way to avoid it. It's really scary because traffic from one direction ignores a yield sign, traffic from another direction routinely ignores a stop sign & traffic from the 3rd direction is normally disrupted by people entering a road marked "exit only". I'm not a mousy driver, nor am I easily intimidated but at least once a week I get a serious scare at this intersection. It's been the site of numerous horrific accidents yet the police never patrol it.

What can we do about it? Probably nothing, unless you're a traffic cop & want to hang out there. I hesitate to make this accusation but I think that there are a lot of stupid people in the world & also a lot of lazy people in the world. They disregard the safety of others (as well as their own) & cause a lot of trouble. They also take their drivers license for granted.

I propose a controversial but rational solution: Every 4 years when you renew your license, you should have to take the written test again to refresh your knowledge of traffic laws. It shouldn't be hard to pass unless you're a moron. Even morons could just study for the test. You passed it once, right? So what's the big deal?

They could charge you an extra $20 to do it & that extra money could be used to fix the bridges that fall down all over the state. Okay, I work for a company that makes parts of bridges so I'm somewhat biased but as a driver, I'd like to know that some of my money goes to infrastructure. Use it to lessen the gas tax or something.

That averages out to $5 per year to drive & I'll bet that it would decrease accidents. Less accidents mean lower insurance premiums for drivers, less victimization of innocent motorists by idiots, less money spent on emergency personnel by government. Insurance companies require a drivers license to insure you so they could police it. They check your driving record, personal credit history & who knows what else every year so they will know if you let your license lapse. If you do, they will cancel your insurance & notify PennDOT, as well as whoever may be financing your vehicle.

They already do this when you cancel an insurance policy (say, if you change insurers) so it's not adding any extra work to the insurance company. There would have to be extra administrative steps involved simply because PennDOT would be required to revoke your registration if you let the license lapse but how hard is that? I think it's a great idea, what do you think?

VOTE!!!

Today I stood out in the rain all morning to beg votes for a local candidate in the State Rep primary. Now, I've always hated those tools that stand there & ask you to vote for someone. I mean, I kind of already decided who I was voting for or I wouldn't be at the poll yet, duh.

Well, today I was one of those tools. I expected my own disdain to really come back to bite me on the ass today, but everyone was very nice. Even the people that refused my handout were polite. There were other folks there shilling for my candidate's opponents & you might think that would be sort of uncomfortable but it wasn't at all. Everyone was very friendly & we all stood around talking politics & generally being agreeable.

Mr. Steph was shilling for another candidate in a different district. His candidate warned volunteers that the opponent's been known to send union organizers to agitate at the polls. For me this would be entertaining & I was kind of wishing I'd volunteered in a slimier district. Mr. Steph was really looking forward to people trying to intimidate him, as ignoring people is one of his specialties. I can tell you from experience that being ignored is very irritating. He can really piss you off without saying a word & by simply doing nothing at all. It's like some sort of sick gift.

Bummer for him but nobody showed up from the opponents' camp at all. He was very bored. Except for the fact that he was snubbed by a bunch of nuns (would Jesus have ignored him? I think not, ladies) it was very uneventful. My poll had more traffic & some fellow volunteers to talk to so I wasn't really bored but it wasn't the most fun I ever had. Mostly, I watched a bunch of ducks playing in the puddles which was kind of cool. And I saw a huge hawk snatch a chipmunk. That hawk lives near me & I see him often so I've named him "Hawkie". Sometimes when I walk Rocco we disturb his hunting & he scares the hell out of us both, but I digress.

I was just glad that no one yelled at me the way they did when I made phone calls & circulated petitions for candidates. No matter what anyone says, never approach old ladies you don't know. They are very mean & like strange dogs, should be ignored unless there's a handler you can deal with directly.

It was an interesting experience & I'd probably do it again but I definitely won't make a habit out of it. If you care at all about your quality of life & the fact that politicians are making all kinds of uneducated decisions about your world, get involved. It only takes a few hours to help out a campaign, you can give as much or as little time or money as you like & you really do make a difference. Most importantly, it's for your own good.

Obscure Songs from Commercials

Okay, have you seen the commercial for 7UP or one of those kinds of caffienated drinks with Jimmy Fallon and the girl that may or may not be Parker Posey dancing down the street all crazy to that crazy song? Then he throws her in the air, and she doesn't come back?! I WANT that crazy song, can you find out what it is for me? - Heather

My pleasure, Heather. The song is called Streamline & it's by Newton, who I've never heard of before. According to the buzz, go to LimeWire (one of my bibles) and search for it by title & artist or search under the title Pepsi Combustion. I haven't tried it yet myself but that site has always come through for me.

Incidentally, I got into this weird habit thanks to a snippet of a crazy dance song from a Dentine Ice commercial a few years ago & have become something of an expert at it. Keep 'em coming!

Reasons not to work

As if you needed any more, but here goes.

Need to appear busy at the office while you're actually wasting time? Then don't visit these sites because it will be really obvious that you're just screwing off.

www.chucknorrisfacts.com For the fan or the uninitiated alike, this site is full of interesting psuedo-facts such as, "Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world & punch himself in the back of the head."

www.mulletsgalore.com Excellent tribute to the mullet, a Pittsburgh favorite. The thing that makes this site so fantastic is that strangers are taking pictures of unsuspecting mullets then posting them on the internet & making up stories about these people. It's awesome.

There are 10 classifications of mullets & countless interesting facts here. All mullets are rated on mulletude & aggressiveness, then lists the mullet's favorite bands & hobbies. Each profile is summed up with recommendations on where these mullets can be sighted. I'm going to move on now because if I have to type mullet one more time, I'll have to punch myself.

www.thesimpsons.com If you like a challenge, visit the Simpsons website to play great games. The challenging part of this isn't the games themselves, it's finding them. I'll give you a hint, there are at least 3 that I can find.

www.bobandtom.com Since Pittsburgh's last decent radio station was conquered by Satan (there's just no other viable explanation for the BOB FM format), mornings at work are even more pathetic & depressing. Listen to the Bob & Tom Show on your computer. The jokes are funny, the gags aren't stale & the endless parade of guest comedians can't be topped. On any given show you may hear Rodney Carrington, Tim Wilson, Ron White, Haywood Banks, Brian Regan or any one of a slew of other hilarious people that regularly visit.

Now get back to work!

Pet Peeves

I need to vent. The world gets on my nerves a lot of the time. There are so many stupid people in the world & somehow I come into contact with a lot of them on a regular basis. Here is a list of my personal pet peeves. Of course, this is fluid & will change whenever someone pisses me off.

1. People who stand too close in a line (like breathing on my neck will speed things up? Not likely, but it could get you an "accidental" kick in the shin).

2. People who take mean dogs to the dog park. If your dog bites people, don't come here. Duh.

3. Noisy neighbors. (Now accepting suggestions for creative vengeance. Please submit.)

4. People who can't tell jokes but try anyway (No, wait, ummm the priest said that, not the rabbi).

5. When you go to the zoo & want to pet the kangaroos but they all just lie there looking strung- out. What the hell do they do to these kangaroos & is it legal?

6. When you add considerable time to your morning commute by visiting a local fast-food restaurant for a fountain coke & it's watered down. I mean, is cola syrup that expensive that McDonalds is forced to hoard it?

7. When you want a milkshake but the milkshake machine is broken.

8. Christian rap.

9. The guy that delivers our company payroll & attempts to make innuendo out of the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile on my computer. Wrong on so many levels I can't even begin . . .

10. Reality television.

11. Paris Hilton. If I'd known you could get rich & famous by being a questionably attractive drunk, I may have made some different choices in life.

12. That I never win the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes even though I get all of my magazine subscriptions through them just in case it's real.

13. The fact that nobody with any authority over my student loans speaks English.

14. When you're trying to do something & see a HUGE spider on the wall but by the time you get a shoe it's gone & you have no idea where it is & can't relax in your own home because surely a spider that large has to be some sort of dangerous mutant.

15. The gay story line on The Sopranos. I don't have a problem with it but don't waste the limited, valuable time of this once-awesome show with lame soap opera crap. When I wait 2 years to see a gangster series finally resume, leave that shit to Bravo & show me some serious ass-kicking action. If I want to watch anybody making out, there are other channels I can subscribe to besides HBO. I watch HBO because I want to see gangsters doing "some serious gangster shit".

If you can name the character & the movie this quote is from, you win a prize. It's a stupid prize that will probably disapoint you, so don't go to any trouble but there is a prize.


What are your pet peeves? Get them off of your chest & share them with the world here.

Non-Controversy

In an attempt to do some "investigative reporting", I've recently contacted a controversial group with a request to join. They've ignored me. I can't tell you how annoying that has been for me.

With all this talk about border problems & illegal immigrant rallies, I couldn't help but notice that the nation is sharply divided over the group The Minutemen (or at least the people who have heard of them are sharply divided).

It's a sort of vigilante group that's taken it upon themselves to reinforce our borders. I can respect that. Crazy vigilante groups have always held a fascination for me. Someday, I'll delve into this more deeply with an ode to Batman, greatest superhero ever. But I digress.

There is definitely a need for tighter border security in our country, as evidenced by the fact that large groups of criminals are organizing rallies around the country. But the fact that "security", as it is, is being left up to Bubba & Cletus Everyman is just as disturbing.

In an attempt to do our civic duty of investigating this buzzed-about movement, Mr. Steph & I went to The Minuteman website & filled out a form stating that we wanted to start a chapter here. Never got a response. Huge bummer, no acknowledgement whatsoever. I know that Pittsburgh isn't exactly a hotbed of illegal immigration. Hell, most of the people born here flee at some point in their lives. But you'd think a truly fanatical movement would appreciate the need for prevention & embrace proactive attempts.

So I'm left to wonder what all the fuss is about. Apparently this group is less fanatic than their critics would have you believe. It makes me wonder exactly how they're protecting our borders & why naysayers make such a big deal out of it. My mental images of drunken hillbillies brandishing automatic weapons has forever been tarnished. In it's place, there are equally frightening images of somewhat liberal rednecks offering the scofflaws baloney sandwiches & casually driving them back to the other side of some unseen line in a new Gator, with a stern admonishment "not to try that again".

I don't know what to think. It's disapointing when one's stereotypes are called into question and it truly shakes one's foundations, I'll tell you what.

In celebration of the wholly American redneck way of life, don't forget to set the DVR for tonight's episode of King of the Hill. It's a special 200th episode celebration.

Ms. Know-It-All

Why did you decide to answer everyone's questions? - Anonymous comment

That's a good question. Everyone tells me that I'm a real know-it-all & since my friends & family don't seem to embrace my meddling, I thought maybe others would.

Seriously though, I'm not here to offer professional calibur advice. Mostly I pride myself on knowing lots of trivial things & being able to find the answers to trivial things. I have a real knack for hunting down obscure songs from weird commercials, if you haven't read my first-ever post.

There are a lot of self-serving reasons, too. I put together a very cool website not long ago but don't have the time to update it regularly & a blog is much easier. My greatest achievement is that I am a font of useless knowledge & it's my only real talent. I'm a so-so artist, can't carry a tune in a bucket, dance like Elaine from Seinfeld & I've been in college off & on for more than 10 years without ever getting a degree. But people tell me that I have an entertaining writing style so I thought maybe I could contribute to the world by finding answers to people's questions.

Science Question

Why can i hear a television when it's on, even when there is nothing coming out of the speakers?

Well, Anonymous, I hate to be the one to break this to you but the electromagnetic waves from your television set are apparently interacting with the government-implanted chip in your brain. The only way to prevent them from reading your thoughts at all times it to cover all of your windows with aluminum foil & make yourself a helmet out of it as well.

Seriously, though, your television is a mechanical device. There are moving parts working inside of it. Even though they are very quiet, there are things running in there & they make a noise. I'm no mechanical engineer so I can't be more specific but that is the reason that you can hear you're TV even when the sound of the programming is muted.

Dating in Pittsburgh (or the lack thereof)

Hi Steph,

WHERE are all the women in Pittsburgh? They're obviously hiding somewhere . . . and I'm not talking about the kind of girls that go to the dance clubs and listen to that jungle rap music and grind themselves all over some sweaty black guy, nor am I talking about the girl that you take out on ONE date and then the next day she calls you 46 times and asks why you haven't called her already and says she's been sitting at home all night crying because you haven't called yet . . . I'm talking about a real, nice, sweet, NORMAL white girl . . .

Also, and since I noticed that you're 32, this kind helps since you have the proper perspective . . . How do I approach a woman in her 30s or early 40s? Thanks. - Sick of dating in Pittsburgh.

You know, I had to do some serious research into this one. Sadly, I work full-time & go to school in the evenings so I have a very limited social life. Luckily, I have a lot of friends (even if they do rag on me for always having to study on Friday nights or having an 8 am class every Saturday - and you know who you are), so I was able to canvas people with real social lives for some input.

The overwhelming response was to stay away from the clubs. I know it goes against every dating rule we've ever known but that's what they're telling me. It actually makes a lot of sense if you think about it. Clubs & bars are very noisy places so it's not as though you can have any kind of meaningful conversation. And by meaningful, I'm not talking about the meaning of life, either. Meaningful in the sense that you can make out every word the person says.

Most of the people I spoke with have met their their significant others in one of three ways: Through their job/work, friends or a hobby. If your social circle is small, stagnant or just plain boring you're not going to meet anyone there. And your work isn't going to offer a lot of opportunities unless you deal with many people in your job. So hobbies seem to be the real key here. Making friends as an adult may be the one thing more difficult than dating. How do you make new friends without seeming like a loser, gay, etc. short of pretending you just moved here?

There are countless opportunities out there for people who want to meet people & make friends. Take a class at one of the zillion schools in Pittsburgh (all of them offer non-credit opportunities as well as college courses). There are classes in art, wine, writing, computer stuff & just about anything you can name through various organizations & community groups. Join a dart, softball, flag football, ultimate or pinball league. Right now, I'm helping my sister plan her wedding & she met her future husband bowling. I met Mr. Steph through some friends that were just sure we'd hit it off. We both fought like champs & managed to avoid "the fix-up" for months but we've been inseperable since our first date.

I don't recommend letting people fix you up willy-nilly with anyone who's single. It's guaranteed to disapoint all around. If your friend just has to fix up everyone because she thinks it's her life's calling or the coworker old enough to be your mom tries to get every guy under 40 to give her niece "a chance", just say no. But if you have a wide social circle, fix-ups are unavaoidable & worth it. At the very least you'll meet a nice woman that may not be right for but could have a friend that is.

In the meantime, you'll make new friends & have a good time. You'll go places you may not have gone otherwise & your mere presence in the right place at the right time is all that it takes. A guy shooting pool or playing ball with a group of friends is attractive & approachable. Just ask my sister. She has a beautiful smile, a contagious laugh & it caught the eye of a cute guy across the bowling alley. The rest is history.


Dear Steph,

Do you have any suggestions as to why I might be afraid to get close to someone? It's been over a year since my last real relationship and I know I'm over her. I've met some very nice people since but just not sure why I haven't been able to get attached to anyone. - pghguy


There are many possible reasons & it could even be a combination of reasons. The most likely reason is that you haven't met the right woman yet. Just because someone is nice or fun or pretty doesn't mean you'll want to be with her. Just because there isn't anything wrong with her doesn't mean she's right for you. The world is full of nice people, fun people, intelligent people whose company is enjoyable. But it takes more than that to form an attachment to someone.

Speaking from experience, I myself have never found a datable man when I was looking for one. Often you find someone when the timing is horrible because you've got so much to juggle right now that getting to know someone & building a relationship is the last thing you have time & energy for. Many people I've talked to feel that this is sort of the Murphy's Law of the dating world & I have to agree that it's always held true for me.

I've read that just wanting a relationship can give off vibes of desperation -- even if a person isn't desperate, it can be noticeable on some level to the opposite sex, even very subtly. That can turn people off to you. So the dating law may have some truth to it. When you aren't looking for an attachment, one finds you.

The best thing to do is to not question yourself or doubt your feelings. You can't make yourself interested in someone if the spark isn't there. Trying to force it will only disapoint you & possibly hurt her if she's getting attached to you. Just be sure that you've given these women a chance & gotten to know them well enough that you'd feel it if it's there. If you're sure you've given these opportunities a chance & still feel nothing, don't sweat it.

In the meantime, be social & active. The more fun you have, the more attractive you'll be to those around you & the more people you'll get to know. Eventually, one of those pals will be the woman you can't help but get attached to.

Have dating suggestions for Pittsburgh's singles? Send 'em in! And check out pghguy's cool blog, A Pittsburgh Guy's Blog, for more insight.

For the Guys . . .

I've been getting some kinda personal questions from our male readers. I'm going to sweetly assume that these are real questions & not just a lame attempt to make a strange woman think about your naughty bits. Nothing is off limits here so don't be afraid to ask. If your question is too crass I may not post it but that doesn't mean I won't answer it. Even if it seems like a joke, it will probably make the site because I have a great sense of humor & like to be a clown. Which brings me to my first guy query . . .

Why are my balls itchy? - Jerry Itchynuts

Jerry, hygeine is a very important part of life. The initial concern that comes to mind is: are you washing properly? If the answer is yes, then you need to make sure to use a very mild soap, so as not to irritate delicate skin. I suggest using something like Johnson's Baby soap but if you don't want to smell like a girl, try lathering your hands & washing off your sensitive parts, rather than rubbing the bar of soap directly on your boys.

The other possibilities are: you're not rinsing off the soap completely or you just aren't drying off totally. Dampness can lead to problems so make sure you dry off completely & if there's still a problem you may want to use a jock-itch cream or spray to clear it up for good, then follow the above instructions to keep it from recurring. And make sure you're shaking off well after each whiz. Urine drying on the scrotum is most likely an irritant. Hope this helps.

I've found that being alone, I often pleasure myself up to 4 times a day. Do you think this is a bit excessive? Oh, and I'm thinking of getting a wax job. Any comments from the female perspective on this? - Single guy in Pittsburgh

I have to say, that does seem a little excessive. Are you sure you don't have OCD? It seems to me that if you're doing it 4 times a day, maybe you should save up your horniness for 1 really good one. You'd save time & potential johnson wear & tear. I'm thinking that one really good one would hold you & make 3 more sessions unnecessary. But that's just a guess.

The second part of your question makes me wonder if the first part could be a result of you looking like a sasquatch. But you've had relationships before so I'm guessing you're no hairier than any other guy. I'm totally against male waxing but I could be in the minority here. Frankly, I'm turned off by guys who feel the need to wax, get manis/pedis, spend a day at the spa or use any kind of department-store-bought designer skin creams.

Many of my friends agree that we don't want our men to be as feminine as we are. However, if you read trashy ladies mags like Cosmo, the reader polls claim that women like their men hairless as babies & fashionably metrosexual. But these polls also reveal that most readers who vote in their polls are total skanks that sleep with their guy's friends when he travels on business, lie to potential suitors to steal their friends' crushes & make out with other girls in bars to get free drinks. So I guess it all depends on what you want to attract.

I hate to tell you to wear your fur with pride & stop getting your nails buffed, because maybe that's what a lot of women want in a man. But at the same time, I don't see a need to go through it. Men are supposed to have hair on their bodies. It's what makes them different from women & the differences are what attract us to men in the first place, right? Otherwise we'd all be lesbians & enjoy free drinks for life.

The bottom line is what kind of image you want to project to the world. I see a waxee as a high-maintenance guy that spends too much time looking in the mirror & agonizing over himself. I get enough of that from myself & my girl friends so I don't want to have to deal with it from my man. But many people view it as a perfectly acceptable or even necessary habit & who am I to say they're shallow & nitpicky?

If you insist on doing it, ask your doctor for some painkillers. It's excruciating, gawdawful pain but alcohol will just make you bleed even more. No professional is going to let you bleed all over them or their equipment so a respectable place won't wax ya if you're tanked. By the way, same goes for tattoo parlors but getting inked is a walk in the park in comparison.

Help Homeless Animals

Visit the Animal Rescue Site & click on the icon to feed animals. It's free to you, it only takes a few seconds & sponsors donate .06 bowls of food for every click.

They even have a simple form that you can use to email the link to your friends. Register on their site & they'll email you a daily reminder to click. They do not share your email address with anyone - I've been a member for years & don't get any spam from it at all.

Live Wolf Cams

If you love animals, then visit the International Wolf Center's live wolf cams.

Much of the time the wolves are just snoozin' on a warm rock in the sun or shade. But if you catch them when they're frisky, it's a lot of fun to watch them play.

Mafia Nickname Generator

Do you love The Sopranos, Goodfells, Casino & The Godfather trilogy? Then I have a website for you. Go to the mafia name generator site & get your very own personalized mob nickname.

I was a little disapointed in mine (The Umpire, what the hell is that?). Some of my friends got really cool ones, like Steve "The Executioner" and Rege "The Ox". However, they were more fortunate than others.

My beloved companion, Rocco the bossy dog, will forever be branded "The Self-Toucher" in the world of organized crime. While not entirely inaccurate, it hardly seems fair.

Rapid Fire Session

Hi Steph,

Saw your post for help on Craigslist. So, here's few questions:

I wear glasses on some days, and my contacts on other days. Why does it seem like every time I wear my glasses, it rains, causing water droplets to get all over my glasses?!

What is your take on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

What is the time after time? (haha) Thanks! - Heather Frazier


Hi Heather. My, you're an inquisitive lady but thanks for the vote of confidence, I'll do my best.

Now the glasses & rain thing has always been a personal pet peeve of mine. If you hate wearing glasses (like me) rain is the ultimate indignity. I truly believe that it's the work of higher powers bullying us mere mortals.

When I was a small & inquisitive child adults used to give me half-assed explanations for everything, such as thunder is the sound of angels bowling. I suppose that warped me because I'm now pretty sure that some being(s) in the sky make it rain when I wear my glasses just to yank my chain. It's the mystical equivalent of a wedgie.

The TomKat thing is just plain creepy & I welcome the opportunity to give the world my 2 cents. I'm particularly creeped out by young women that want to do guys old enough to be their dad or grandpa. It's just icky.

There a lots of hot older guys & I enjoy them they way I enjoy a great painting or a mustang GT -- plain old eye candy. It's awesome to look at but I don't particularly have to have it. Just because hot older guys exist doesn't mean you have to do them. I mean, mountains are really fantastic & I'm awed by the wonders of nature but I'm never going to climb one.

That said, the gossip rags are rife with claims that the pregnancy was fake, the pregnant woman was a Katie lookalike & all kinds of other strange theories. The fake pregnancy idea holds some water (no pun intended) because the only part of her that changed was her belly. I mean, pregnant women usually appear to have various physical changes (larger breasts, swollen ankles, a hint of weight gain in their faces, etc.) but not "Katie".

Personally I believe she's either been brainwashed or was paid a lot of money to go through this charade. I'm sure it has something sinister to do with Scientology & the fact that Cruise seems to be a complete nutcase. No, she hasn't done anything since Dawson's Creek wrapped but who wants a career as a freak show exhibit? Not the best way to stay famous.

The 'time after time thing' is quite the riddle, isn't it? Nope. This is just one of those phrases coined by some college kid with a huge bong that fancies himself a philosopher. When time ends, there will no longer be time. Yeah, you could go all Stephen Hawking or Socrates about it & construct some complex theory that will never be tested but you probably have a life so why bother? Things like this are only interesting to discuss: 1. if there is pot involved & you're under 21 or 2. the argument offers the opportunity to annoy someone that takes themself way too seriously.

Visit Heather's really cool blog, Slightly Dramatic, to check out the interesting stuff she has to say. As always, feel free to weigh in on any topic. Keep the questions coming!

All About Ticks (yay!)

Hi Steph,

My boyfriend and I have found 2 ticks on our dog this week. Can people get ticks, and if so, how? Thanks! - Heather

Heather, you have come to the right place. Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of my first tick experience & it was a doozy. I learned all about them firsthand so here goes:

Yes, people can get ticks & they can give you Lyme Disease, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and other debilitating illnesses. You can get a tick by walking through tall grass, bushes, etc. Animals are much more likely to get them than people because ticks like to get into their fur. And if you find one tick on your dog, there are probably a lot more you can't see.

I came home from a trip to Gettysburg & found 2 ticks on myself (eek!). I thought that Rocco was protected because I put Frontline on him every month but I bought tick shampoo & washed him just to be safe & a ton of ticks fell off of my poor dog. Turns out that Frontline is just for fleas & I should have been using Frontline Plus.

Generally, we don't have a big tick population in Western PA so you don't have to be overly concerned with them. But we do have deer ticks, which can carry Lyme Disease (destroys your nervous system). And if you travel just a wee bit outside of W PA, the risk of a tick bite increases greatly.

One of the quickest ways to get a tick is to go to Erie. I know it sounds odd but they're quite prevelant there. A day on the beach, a bike ride or a nature walk around Lake Erie (especially Presque Isle) is risky if you're not protected. (They have other types in addition to the deer tick, too.)

The eastern side of our lovely state, Southern NY & parts of West Virginia also have large tick populations (mostly deer ticks). Lyme Disease is mainly a problem in the north-eastern US but other parts of the country have ticks that give you other diseases.

If you find a tick remove it with tweezers & take it to your vet to be analyzed. If it's not infected with anything, then no big deal but if it is, you & your dog need antibiotics to keep from getting sick.

Because Rocco has very thick fur, there were a lot of ticks on him. I sprayed my house & the interior of my Jeep with flea & tick spray then took all clothes & luggage from the trip to the laundromat. Over a 2 week period, I found about 5 more, usually around Rocco's bed or places he laid. So just to be safe, I bug-bombed the house.

Hartz makes a great line of flea & tick items. The bombs are pet/child safe & you only have to leave the house for about 2 hours (one hour while it's going off, then come back to open all the windows & let it air out for another hour). Yes, you do have to wash all of your dishes afterward but it doesn't smell up the place or stain anything so you don't have to worry about your furniture or clothes. And there was the added bonus that I didn't have a spider in here for almost 6 months. (I get big, scary spiders in here a lot & the bug bomb was so simple that I'm actually considering another blast . . .)

To protect against Lyme Disease, Rocco receives a vaccination every 6 months because we spend a lot of time in high-risk areas.

I got really stern lectures from my vet, my doctor & the nurses in his office about protecting myself in the future. You should take your pup for the shot. It's cheap (maybe $15) and it protects against a very serious disease. Frontline Plus once a month will kill anything on your dog & protects against fleas, ticks & mosquitos which is great because your dog can also get sick from mosquito bites. According to multiple vets & groomers, it's the best product on the market.

If you need a good vet, try Penn Animal Hospital in the Strip. They have evenings, weekend & also walk-in hours, so you can always get in to see a doctor. They're great & very knowledgable (trust me, we go there a lot).

You don't have to be worried all of the time about ticks but if you do encounter them, you have to be very thorough to make sure you completely exterminate them. The best protection for you is protecting your pets because they are at much greater risk than you are & will bring them into your home & vehicle. Use the Frontline Plus & you can take your dog everywhere with you & never have to worry.

I hope this information helps. Let me know how things turn out with the situation.

Interesting Fact About: Your Spleen

You know how your mom always said don't go swimming for an hour after eating or you'll get cramps & drown? Some of you probably thought it was a myth but some of you may actually abide by that rule. What you probably don't know is that you should avoid all strenuous exercise for about an hour after eating.

Since I avoid strenuous exercise as a general rule of thumb, this doesn't affect me much but I think the reason behind it is interesting enough to share. It seems that your spleen is responsible for storing up extra blood for emergencies. If you're ever bleeding severely, the spleen contracts to release the extra blood, helping you to survive longer.

When you're digesting food, a lot of the blood in the body goes to the digestive tract to assist in processing your meal, which can take up to an hour. During exercise your muscles require a lot more blood than usual. Since much of it's elsewhere when you're digesting food, your body perceives this as a shortage & may initiate the spleen to release it's blood reserve.

Spleen contractions are extremely painful cramps, according to people who have experienced them so do your best to avoid them!

Interesting Fact About: Pit Vipers

Did you know that some of our most popular prescription medication has been synthesized from snake venom? If you take an ACE Inhibitor for high blood pressure, thank a cobra.

If bitten by a pit viper, the venom will eventually suppress your cardiovascular system. While studying the effects of snake bites, scientists discovered that a component of the venom inhibits production of a chemical called renin. Renin is produced by your kidneys & makes your body increase your blood pressure.

Modern medicine has been able to synthesize the stuff from the venom & turn it into a safe, effective prescription drug to help people control a destructive & potentially deadly condition.

Nature is so cool.

Eagles & Tattoos

Is there a web site I can go to or a book that will show me some good drawings of eagles , I want one as a tattoo? Thank you - Rege in Pittsburgh

You've come to the right place, Rege. I happen to be an avid wildlife watcher & have a very close friend that's a total "bird nerd". I found a couple of sites with a lot of great pictures that you should check out:

http://www.hickerphoto.com/eagle-pictures-cat.htm

http://www.wildnatureimages.com/BaldEaglePhotos.htm

In addition to finding a photo, you may want to check out websites that offer tatto designs. Some of them allow you to purchase a stencil of a specific design. If you find something you like, take it to your tattoo artist & have them customize it in some way so that it's totally original & unique to you.

http://www.tattoofinder.com/find_tattooDB.asp

I would also interview tattoo artists & shop around to find someone that has a lot of experience with realistic, complex designs as well as animal images. You're job will be a lot easier if you can find an artist who has done a bunch of them comfortably & can design something specifically for you.

And I may have a couple of really awesome eagle pics on my old hard drive that I can email to you. I'll try to dig them up here shortly. If you don't find anything you like, let me know because we have some great bird books at my house with good pictures that may be useful to you.

Good luck with the tatttoo & when are we going to go out drinking? It's been a while.

If you're interested in wildlife watching, nature trails, zoos birwatching, etc. contact me. I have a great database of zoos, animal parks, state & national parks, etc.

Zombie Question

How do you kill a zombie? - Anonymous


Let me begin by saying that I hope this is a theoretical question because my research has led to conflicting accounts of zombie death.

According to some, zombies can be killed by decapitation but other sources claim that this only stops the zombie's body, while the head continues to live.

Other conflicted points include the "powers" of a zombie, i.e. - the zombie's resistance to destruction. I have to point out that hard-core zombie afficianados will give you a loooong, very boring lecture such as "they are already DEAD so you're not killing them, you're destroying them . . . blah blah blah blah".

Semantics aside, some experts instruct you to shoot a zombie in the middle of the forehead, thereby blowing it's head completely apart. For good measure, I also suggest chopping the body up into many small pieces just to ensure that it can't continue to function.

In doing this research, I learned that there are many different kinds of zombies. Until now, I thought that there was just 1 kind of zombie & a drink named for it. Different types of zombies may have different powers, abilities or means of being destroyed, depending on who you ask.

There's a great website all about zombies that even includes a survival guide outlining the types of weapons, skills & tools one would need to survive in a world taken over by zombies. Visit the I Love Zombies website at http://www.zombiejuice.com for more information.

Good luck with . . . whatever and if this was a serious question, please consult a zombie expert for less entertaining, more specific instructions.

Have you ever had an experience with zombies, werewolves, vampires, mothman, Bigfoot, elves, etc.? If so, I'd really like to hear from you.

Square Root of Stupid?

Dear Steph,

Everyone at work refers to me as "stupid" or more exactly, the "square root of stupid". What does this mean, and should I be offended? Can I actually be a square root of stupid? My woman thinks so. How about you? Sincerely - Dazed & Confused in Pittsburgh

Don’t you listen to them! First of all, there is no such thing as “the square root of stupid”, although I must admit it’s a very clever barb. Obviously, you are not stupid at all. For starters, you found my extremely obscure blog so that’s pretty wily of you. Also, you were able to comment on my blog & you have an email address. There are CEO’s of major worldwide corporations that can’t check their own email. Einstein couldn’t even remember to tie his shoes most days.

You need to surround yourself with people who aren’t jerks so that they don’t destroy your self-esteem any more. It’s bad enough to take it from your coworkers but your woman should be more supportive. I say kick her to the curb & find a lady that appreciates you & acknowledges your good qualities. And tell her that she should be glad you even have a job because you could be mooching off of her while you try to start your lame rap career, a la K. Fed & Britney.

Feel free to stick up for yourself to these bullies & send them to me if you think they need to be straightened out. And remember the immortal words of Stuart Smalley, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me.”

Have a tale about a bully? Share it here & let me know how you dealt with it.

The American Entrepreneurial Spirit

Hello Steph,

As a fellow Craigslister, I thought I would ask you a question about my Craigslist ad. Tell me if you think this has the potential to work for me:

http://pittsburgh.craigslist.org/wan/159002690.html

Basically, the ad tells you everything you need to know. I'm hoping to find enough people to donate their pocket change to help me pay off my auto loan.

I know that Karyn of "Save Karyn" had her debt paid off and there's even the guy trading a paper clip for a house. It seems reasonable that through the power of the Internet, I should be able to reach enough people to achieve my goals.

What do you think? Thanks – Andrew in Pittsburgh

Hi Andrew! You are now one of my idols. This is no small feat because that list is quite distinguished & even includes Batman (greatest superhero ever). I too have heard about Karyn & more recently the guy trading a red paper clip for a house. He’s supposedly getting a movie deal out of it, too.

I think it’s a great idea & have actually been considering something along the same lines myself. Even though I have a good job, I have massive amounts of student loan debt & will probably have my social security checks garnished when I’m 80 (if social security is even available to us as oldsters).

As a gesture of goodwill, I pledge a contribution equivalent to one 32 oz. Hardee’s fountain coke (my daily equivalent of the morning cup of coffee). By the way, the ad itself is pretty cool with the meter & everything. I admire your technical skills. Good luck & please keep me informed on the progress.

Working with Know-It-Alls

I work with a guy who is a major know-it-all and an all-around pain in the butt. What do I do when he corrects the pronunciation of everything everyone says?

Also, since he is a new employee, he gets very hostile when other workers inform him that he did something incorrectly. What are we to do? – Linda in Pittsburgh

Well, I understand your dilemma completely. We’ve all had a very annoying coworker, you know - the kind of person you’d like to sneak up behind & smack in the back of the head, smooshing their face into the desk . . .

Sorry, I got carried away reminiscing. But really, violence is not the answer. In a situation like this, the best thing to do is to look the person straight in the eye and ask where he got his English Language degree. If he actually has one, then ask him why he’s employed at a finance company, underscoring the fact that he sure screws up a lot & should maybe stick with what he knows.

You could also broach the subject by saying something smart, such as “Thanks, Teacher.” Then, when he screws up in his work, keep the school theme going by telling him he’s just received 2 demerits and any more will lead to detention.

Of course, if you wish to avoid confrontation while annoying your coworker, I recommend singing the old tomato/to-mah-to song. This works especially well if you are completely unable to carry a tune. After hearing it a few times, that should shut the guy up permanently.

Basically, when a coworker does stupid things on a regular basis, you should make a note of it: date, time & offense. Have your colleagues do the same. Just telling your superior that “Joe keeps correcting my grammar” may seem whiny. But if everyone in the department approaches the supervisor with a list of Joe’s “quirks” and describes the lost productivity caused by his English lessons & temper tantrums, you may well see action without repercussion. Translation: the boss sees dollar signs going down the drain every time Joe opens his mouth . . .

Incidentally, it sounds like this guy is a real weenie that makes work suck even more than work normally sucks. I highly recommend watching past episodes of the fantastic show The Office for great prank ideas. A few examples: Remove items from his desk & put them into the vending machine so that he’s forced to buy back his supplies. Every day, unscrew the mouthpiece on his phone & insert a couple of nickels. The handset will gradually become heavier. Once it has reached capacity, secretly remove all nickels & then watch him smack himself in the head the next time he answers the phone. Good luck!

Let's hear your best stories about annoying coworkers. I want to know what they did & how you put them in their place or learned to live with it.